


Dancing to the Masochism Tango

by BeholdIAmDeath



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anime Spoilers, Cannibalism, Canon - Manga, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Death, Childbirth, Drug-Induced Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Heavy Angst, Illiteracy, Manga Spoilers, Masochism, Mental Instability, Murder, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Relationship(s), Physical Abuse, Pregnancy, Prostitution, Pseudo-Incest, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Rough Sex, Sadism, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Ugly Duckling, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-04
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 03:23:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 73,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2717075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeholdIAmDeath/pseuds/BeholdIAmDeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Masochism (n.): The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one's own pain or humiliation.</p><p>Tango (n.): A ballroom dance characterized by marked rhythms and postures and abrupt pauses.</p><p>No matter what they do, they continue to take part in the vicious cycle. It's never-ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A stale wind swept the dust off the ground through the town known as Schrein. The name meant coffin. Fitting. A tinge of cold night air made an attempt to reach their spines, but the First Interior Squad members standing outside the gates of the town were far too focused to allow a measly shiver to take hold. Among them was Zina Kortakovsky. She shut her eyes, a random mantra running through her mind to ready herself. The team swung through the streets, each going into a house. Zina, however, wasn't satisfied with random choice. She noticed a young woman praying to a Titan statue. Perfect. She would kill the traitors of humanity as the King's right hand.

The woman turned and drew a short breath before the bullet sliced clean through her chest. Her eyes went wide as the cold metal reduced her to nothing but a corpse. Take that, Titan loving whore. She marked another presence in the area by a shocked gasp, and without a second thought she used the Anti-Human gear to close the short distance between them. It was a man this time. He ended up with an empty skull and dangling eyeballs. She turned towards a scream, swinging herself around before advancing. The woman was wide-eyed, her scream piercing the air for a moment before the gun was in her mouth. Shock consumed her as she lost the ability to continue screaming. Bam! Another victory for humanity. This was the work of the goddesses performed by her hands.

Zina decided she deserved a quick breather to admire the silence as well as her work. She was an artist, and the blood of the unworthy was her paint. She moved her foot over a small rock as she felt another presence enter the area.

"What is going on here?"

Without a word, Zina turned swiftly and fired three shots. There was a dick shot, a chest shot and a head shot. Gorgeous. With that she turned down a random street, her mind blank as she made it to the first house she saw without a bloody stripe on it. Jumping forward, she kicked through the front door and ran inside. She turned a corner to see a startled man and woman at a table, they looked at her, saw the blood and fear overtook them. Jumping forward, Zina kicked the woman in the face, effectively sending her to the nearest wall smashing her skull instantly from the sudden impact. She fired into the man while he gawked at the pretty woman's dead eyes. Zina smiled and dipped her hand in the blood before painting a stripe on the door.

No sooner than she reached the street did she see another house to enter, and in a similar fashion, she "opened" the door. She sprinted into the two story house, looking for the ones inside. She ran upstairs and kicked down the first door that held the two civilians, laying together tangled up in bed. They looked up from their activities in shock as Zina jumped through the air. She fired through the man's back, killing both lovers in an instant. She turned to search the rest of the house when she saw a young boy, no older than her own daughter, cowering in the hallway with a kitchen knife clasped tighter than necessary. His body shook with fear. Zina's mind was a silent as she advanced towards the boy. She avoided the knife that would have grazed her hip as she grabbed the boy's head in her hand and twisted. There was a short yelp before the boy fell limp in her grasp. All for the cause.

When she stepped out of the last house on the street, she met up with a superior who was asking for a head count. "Thirty-six adult civilians, fifteen children, twelve military trainees and four infants."

She turned her attention back towards the square, planning on returning there to go towards another street when her prey actually came to her. Using her gear, she launched herself at the group. They were all dead by the time her anchors were fully retracted. Without a word she turned to the next street. It had been three full streets of houses since she had given a count to her superior. Curiosity peaked, Zina went to find her superior. Dead. Zina swore and used a pen to write on her arm:

55 adult civilians

78 students

28 military trainees

12 children

23 infants

She focused a minute to rid herself of the faces that were becoming harder and harder to ignore. She was on the last street, and at the end was the only house left unmarked. She didn't need to walk far, rounding a turn before she found herself in a kitchen, a woman sitting at the table with her elbows propping her hands up, her head resting in both hands as she prayed. She fiddled with a Titan necklace. Zina thought she was about to puke. She didn't look up to acknowledge her.

"The priests told us to take cover and hide in our houses," her voice was shaky. "They said...the government was...going to eliminate us."

Her eyes quivered and began to tear as she pulled out a knife. She ran at Zina, but Zina easily sidestepped and watched as the fall plunged the blade into her gut. Zina stood there for only a moment before giggling and walking down the hall. There was a man praying fervently. Bam! Dead. There was no one else though. Mission complete.

* * *

 

"Honestly, why do we always get stuck with these weird jobs?"

"Because we can't drink yet, and our superiors can."

"Tch. Fuck that. I-" the Military Police officer froze as soon as he saw the carnage. "Damn."

The pair stared in horrified awe at the scene before them. They were everywhere. Humans. Covered in dirt and grime as they lay in frozen terror. There were patches of space, or so it seemed, among them. They followed these, but when they went to a patch, there would be a body. An unmoving body. A dead body. A mother. A father. A sister. A brother. An adult. A child. An infant. There was another team there already, tossing bodies into a bonfire, polluting the air with the stench of burning flesh. Human flesh. Then the ashes were collected and all of the miserable, dead mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, adults and children, were carted away and buried. Innate fear of such agony and loss of life made many look away.

"You two!” a superior called. “Search the houses for any survivors."

"Let's go," the girl, Mina, said. "I'll get sick if I keep looking."

"I doubt we'll find anything," the boy, Johnathan, with her huffed. "This happened days ago."

“Who do you think could’ve done this?”

“This was a village of Titan worshipers. Anybody could’ve done this.”

“Why would they-“

“Don’t go down that road. Just focus on our work.”

But they did find something. In the last house of an empty street. Mina Harker had been the one responsible for searching the house while her friend Johnathan searched the other side of the street. She screamed when she looked in and saw what was there. A small child no older than four years old was sitting next to her mother, chewing. Blood dripped from her chin and fingers as she swallowed and bent down to take another chunk of her mother's flesh into her mouth. She looked at Mina with dead, sleep-deprived eyes.

Mina had to puke. When soldiers came running, all she could do was point. When they looked, everyone seemed to be disgusted, horrified or shocked.

"What should we do with her?" one man questioned.

The child looked at them and stood. She ran up to the soldiers and held out her arms, letting a whimper escape her lips. Everyone seemed uneasy with being so close to her. In this world, cannibalism was the unforgivable sin. Mina stopped and thought though. That was probably the only food source the poor thing could get to. Finally, one woman picked her up and wiped off her face. The child hugged the woman tightly and started crying. She had likely seen unimaginable horrors. The woman, likely a mother, consoled her. After a while, the little girl finally calmed down enough for her to be passed off to Mina. She struggled and whined for a little while, but she soon relaxed.

"Take her to a town, give her some money and drop her off."

"What about an orphanage?" Mina asked.

"Full. All of them. Even in Sina. She'll have a better chance of surviving if she's on her own. Maybe someone will take her in. Dismissed.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki: age 5  
> Erwin: age 10

A little girl snuck into the marketplace on the main road with every intention of not leaving empty handed. Her clothes were tattered and ragged and falling off of her shoulders. Her face was dirty and pale, and her hair was tangled around her bony cheeks. The little girl was small for her age likely due to malnutrition. The people who she pushed past seemed disgusted by her, but she didn't mind. She hardly noticed it anymore just like she hardly noticed the pain in her feet from stepping on those nails many weeks ago and made her toes get puss –filled holes in them.

For a while, she just observed the market. That was rule number one: observe the target. When she found a pattern, she crept behind a booth where a vendor was selling freshly baked bread. Just the smell was enough to make her stomach start to cramp again. Her mouth watered as she grabbed a piece that had fallen into the dirt and devoured it. She lay there waiting until the vendor had her back turned. When she was positive no one was around, she grabbed half of a loaf and made a run for it.

"Thief!"

"I'll get them," she heard someone say confidently.

"Erwin! Stop!"

Petrified, the little girl ran faster but not fast enough. Her chaser was faster than her. Probably bigger too, though that wasn't much of an accomplishment. She felt herself tackled to the ground viciously by something really heavy. She refrained from hissing at the pain in her now flayed arms and tried to scramble to her feet, only to be pushed down again. She slowly looked up at who had caught her from behind her scraggly hair. It was a boy with big blue eyes and blonde hair. Man, those eyebrows were huge.

When he saw her, his gaze softened. "You…you're a girl," he said, surprised.

Apparently, girls weren't normally pegged as thieves. Big surprise. Her bread was on the ground, and the boy picked it up. Right on cue, her stomach grumbled and her eyes hardened into a glare. It was just like those others who lived in the alleyway. They always stole her food because she was little and couldn't fight as well as them. Meanies. He was probably no better.

"You're hungry," the boy said. He held out a hand for her and softly smiled. "I'm Erwin. What's your name?"

The girl stood up herself and didn't respond.

He seemed surprised; she took that as a chance to get away, leaving her bread behind. Maybe she could get one of the older people to give her some food. She could fish through trash if pickings got slim. If those people with horses on their backs caught her though, they'd cut her hand off for trying to steal. As soon as she thought it though, one of them did show up. The woman grabbed her by the back of her neck and started yelling at her. The girl squirmed in her grasp, trying to get her to let go. Then a man was coming from the growing crowd of watchers. He looked like that kid with the big eyebrows only wrinklier and with glasses.

"I'll take it from here, officer," he said. "Johannes Smith. I'll just pay for the bread, and we'll be on our way. No harm-" He was cut off by the actions taken by the girl.

She bent under the lady's arm and punched her in the stomach then lifted her head up to butt her in the head when she doubled over. She learned that from watching the Military Police train in the mornings while waiting for the breakfast trash to be taken out. The lady let go! The girl retrieved her freedom and ran for it. She ran towards where the bread was, but the lady was right behind her again. Damn her short stature and tiny legs!

The lady grabbed her wrist as the little girl was knelt down to pick her food up. "That's it!" she snapped as she pulled the girl over to a booth, pinning her arm down with one of her own. She snatched a butcher knife from one of the booths and aimed at the girl's wrist.

"Wait!" Mr. Big-Eyebrows yelled. "She's just a hungry child. If you must punish her, at least don't take the whole hand. You'll be handicapping her for life."

The girl screamed as the knife suddenly fell. She looked and saw that her pointer and middle finger were gone. She started fighting as hard as she could when she saw the blood. Something in her got a weird feeling around blood, and she tried to avoid it. Then the lady grabbed her other hand. The child bucked and snarled up until the lady took the same two fingers from the other hand. The lady threw her on the ground and started walking away. The girl stared at her fingers shakily before standing and running at the woman, but Mr. Big-Eyebrows caught her before she could get to her. The girl was kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs.

"We just want to help you. Are you hungry?"

The girl froze and looked back at Mr. Big-Eyebrows warily. After a brief silence, she nodded.

"Will you come with us then?"

The girl looked at him and then at Less-Big-Eyebrows before answering with another hesitant nod.

"Good, then. Erwin, go get Dr. Anghelescu."

The girl allowed herself to be carried as Mr. Big-Eyebrows held her with the groceries hanging from one hand. He told her to keep her hands above her head to help with the blood. The girl didn't need to be told twice. As he walked, she realized she hadn't remembered ever doing this before. It was like flying. She couldn't help but giggle to herself as the man tossed her up slightly to get a better grip on her. Her stomach did a flip. When they got to the house, another man was there to greet them. He had a big black bag with him, and Less-Big-Eyebrows was there too. They walked in, and the girl thought she was in a castle. It was so big! Way bigger than the trash bin she slept in. She was put down on a table, and the man with the bag came up to her.

She didn't want him near her, so she growled at him. He stared at her for a moment, but he continued to come closer. When that didn't work, she started screaming. The doctor didn't seem fazed as he sat in front of her and started looking through his bag. He pulled a bright orange circle and offered it to her.

"Take it. It's candy. To eat."

As soon as the word "eat" was out of his mouth, the girl snatched the candy up out of his hand and stuck it in her mouth. There was a burst of flavor as soon as it touched her tongue and she grinned. If he gave her food, he couldn't be that bad of a person. Especially when the food tasted so good.

"That's better," the man said with a gentle smile. "My name is Dr. Anghelescu. You can just call me Dr. Angel. May I ask your name?"

The girl didn't answer.

He sighed. "Yes, they said you didn't talk."

"Maybe she's just not that smart," Less-Big-Eyebrows said.

"Am too smart!" she snapped. "My name is Loki!"

The doctor grinned. "Oh, good. I'd like to ask you some questions, Loki. If you'll answer them," he said.

Loki gazed suspiciously at the three people. "Okay…do I get more food?"

"Of course. Have you ever seen a doctor?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"How long have you been living on the street?" he asked.

"Forever."

"Do you know where your parents are?"

Blood. Blood everywhere. Loki put her hands over her eyes and screamed as something flashed through her mind. Something horrible. She flailed and screamed and kicked until she fell off the table and hit her head. Then everything got blurry and she got sleepy. Maybe it was time for a little nap.

* * *

There she was standing in a familiar street in the dead of night. The moon was shining above with clouds rolling by at a speed that was a little too fast to be normal. Everything was in black and white; everything, that is, besides the ruby color of blood smeared against the buildings and streets. Loki let out a scream as she witnessed the ease at which the lady in black killed. Her blaster shot through three men's throats. Each one of those men wore a necklace with a weird face and each one fell to the ground, but the amount of blood that fell was even more terrifying.

The ground was littered with dead bodies and small rivers of dark red blood, and Loki made her way through it all, following the lady as if she were connected to her by some invisible, unbreakable strand of thread. No! She didn't want to see this! She didn't want to hear the voices crying out for mercy! And then all was quiet and clean; every horror from before completely gone. She was at another street that was oddly familiar. As he continued to walk, she could hear the sound of herself stepping in something a bit thicker than water.

_Plop, plop, plop._

She dared to look down and immediately found herself standing in a pool of crimson blood coming from a woman at a table. It had chunks of stuff in it. Loki thought she was going to throw up. More blood sprayed over her from a man praying to a funny looking statue. The statue was picked up by someone: the lady in black. Loki watched as she started banging it on the ground. It was so loud.

* * *

Loki woke up on a bed. That doctor man was looking at her fingers. They were completely gone, and there was no blood anymore. There was a black line though. She reached to touch it, but Mr. Big-Eyebrows stopped her, telling her they would hurt if she touched them. The doctor moved to her feet, and she saw that the three toes on her right foot with the holes in them where missing. She whined and used her ring finger to point at them.

"They were infected. The doctor had to do it."

"Here." Less-Big-Eyebrows offered her a chunk of bread.

Loki grinned and snatched it from him with both hands before devouring it. When she was done, she grinned at him. "Thanks…Erwin."

"So what's wrong with her?" Mr. Big-Eyebrows asked, concerned.

The doctor frowned. "I'm a doctor, not a therapist, but if I had to guess, some kind of post trauma disorder. Are you planning on letting her stay here?"

"I certainly can't let her go back out on the streets."

"Just let her think you're her family and the memories should just slip away in time."

"Wouldn't that do more harm than good?"

"Her mind seems to be in the process of repressing whatever happened. It'd probably be better for her if you just let her think it never happened."

The two adults left the room, but Erwin stayed behind. He sat on the bed beside her and watched as she inhaled the bread. She couldn't help that it tasted so good. It practically melted on her tongue. "After you fell, we took you in here. Dad said you could stay here and live with us."

"Really?"

"If you want to. How old are you?"

"Uh...somebody said I was a hand."

"So that means you're five. I'm two hands. That's ten."

"Woah," Loki stared in awe. This kid was smart.

"Since you're staying here, that makes us brother and sister."

Loki grinned. "Okay."

"I'm your older brother which makes you my baby sister."

"I'm not a baby!" she yelled. "I can't help that I'm short!"

"Alright, alright, you're my younger sister. Is that better?"

Loki nodded and ate the last bits of the bread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the beginning of the chapters, I'll be putting down Loki and Erwin's ages. If there is no age posted, then they're the same age as previously posted.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki quit running from them after the third time they ganged up on her. It wasn't worth wasting the energy, and she'd just get beat up even worse than if she were submissive. She learned from living on the streets to conserve energy when fighting so you could manage to walk away. Then again, she couldn't have Erwin finding out about this again. Last time he and dad both gave her a stern talking to about calling for help. Like that would do anything. As soon as she realized they were coming, she started walking from her playing ground next to the riverway as fast as she could towards the house without them noticing she was trying to get away. She was dumb, but they were much dumber.

They caught up to her, like they always did every single time, and knocked her down onto her knees. She skidded on the ground, ripping her knees and palms open. She looked at the blood on one of her hands in awe. To think...her body was filled with this thick, red, beautiful fluid. She didn’t know when blood stopped scaring her or when it became so fascinating. It happened sometime in the first few months of staying with the Smiths. Now, she’d been there for seven months.

Six of them surrounded her, pulling her out of her thoughts and back to reality where she’d rather not have been. She tended to zone out when she saw blood...always. She never understood why. There were far more of the kids than normal: Sybil and Bene, Jousef, Kitty, Sadie and Alexandre. Usually it was only three, but apparently today was her lucky day. She should’ve run.

"What'cha up to, stray?" Sybil spoke first. The others laughed. "Still trying to learn how to use a fork?"

"Betcha she eats with her feet."

“How could she? She doesn’t have toes!”

"Just hurry up and hit me,” Loki glared at them.

"Alright then, but first, count to ten on your fingers."

Loki's eyes hardened and she locked her jaw as she glared at each of them. Fuck them. That's right, she said a bad word. She learned it when she lived next to the guy with an umbrella handle for a hand. Fuck them and their privileged lives. Though…she really did pity their shallow-mindedness though. They were idiots who would never get far in life until they keeled over and died a boring, pointless death. She couldn't wait. She and Erwin though...they would get way further. Loki would make sure of it.

"Hey!" Sybil rammed her elbow into the side of her head that sent her sprawling. "Don't ignore her, fucking brat!"

The others took that as their cue to join in. "Yeah, you shit! Do it!" they shouted, pushing her over and kicking her.

The burst of violence stopped as quickly as it started. Bene grabbed her by the hair and hauled her to her feet. "Go on, here's your chance."

Loki spit in his fat face. "I hope you become titan shit."

Bene drove a fist into her gut. "That wasn't nice. Don't you know what titans do?"

"Bet she's too stupid," Sybil grinned. "But we can teach her, right?"

"You wanna know why no one likes titans?"

"I already know, dumbass."

* * *

 

Loki jolted when she heard screams intermingled with sobs. She opened her eyes and searched the room frantically. She wasn't at home; she was in some weird building sitting in daddy's lap. She remembered then. Erwin woke her up early and got her dressed in itchy black clothes for something called a funeral. She felt daddy's hand cradle her head as she lay back down against his chest, but something was wrong. Everyone was crying. Even Erwin and daddy were upset even though they didn't cry.

Loki frowned and wriggled her way in between Erwin and her daddy, grabbing Erwin's hand. "What's going on?"

"This is the funeral. We're honoring someone who died."

"What's died?" she whispered.

"When something stops waking up forever."

"How?"

"It just happens. There are lots of ways."

"How did they die?" Loki pointed to the wood box with the dead person in it. Well…half a dead person.

"They were eaten...by Titans."

"Titans?"

"They're giant monsters that eat people. They can't get inside though because of huge Walls."

“Then how did he get eaten?”

“He was in the Survey Corps. They go out and fight and study titans. A lot of people die when they go into that part of the military.”

"Oh," Loki stared at her feet. She was wearing shoes because Erwin said she had to. She hated shoes.

Loki crawled back into her daddy's lap and curled up against his chest. She was still holding Erwin's hand though. She didn't want him to be sad like everyone else.

* * *

 

Hands grabbed at her and Loki twisted away, an instinctual flinch that achieved absolutely nothing. They tore her threadbare dress as they pinned her to the wall, making the neck of it tear slightly. She snarled at them incoherently as her bare toes barely scraped at the harsh ground. Then they started kicking her again.

"What the hell?!"

Loki's eyes widened. It was Erwin. He was running up with a glare as they continued spitting at her and punching her and kicking her. He had left his books on the side of the street and was coming over to help her. She tried to tell him without saying anything aloud to stay away; she didn’t want him getting hurt. When he grabbed onto Bene's shoulder, Bene turned and punched Erwin in the jaw. Everything in Loki became alive like a spring-loaded bear trap.

She screamed and charged, grabbing the boy's hand and biting down on his thumb as hard as she could. She started to grind and twist her teeth as soon as she tasted blood. There were hands trying to pull her away, and something was beating against her skull. When she felt her teeth sink between the joint, she pulled. She heard tendons and muscle snap as blood squirted across her face.

She grinned and spit out the appendage while Bene cried and screamed. "That's what Titan's do."

After becoming fifty shades paler, the group ran off, including Bene. Everyone was gone except for Erwin. He just stared at the finger oozing blood onto the hot ground. Then he looked up at Loki’s manic, grinning face.

"Let's get going before they come back," he said, taking her hand.

They dodged through the alleys and hid behind trash bins just to make sure they wouldn't get caught. Just then, there was a shout from around the corner. Apparently those kids recovered and recruited a few adults to boot. Loki's head jerked around at the sound.

“Get down!” she hissed.

* * *

 

When Erwin and Loki finally got home, he took in Loki's face. Her left eye was swollen and looking worse with each minute they sat there. Her nose was bleeding, dripping onto her dress. Erwin grabbed a rag from the kitchen and pinched it over her nose. She gave a yelp of protest as he bent her forward but complied when he told her to stay there and stay still.

“I don’t need your help,” she grumbled.

“Apparently you do. What were you doing just standing there anyway? I thought you told Dad they weren't bugging you anymore."

"This time was different."

"How?"

"Before they called me ugly. Today, they said I was a stray. That’s different."

Erwin rolled his eyes.

It was true though; Loki did look a lot different from most kids. She was missing fingers and toes, she had a big, blob of a purple birthmark that stretched from her neck to her temple on the right side and she was smaller than what was considered healthy for a girl her age. Plus, she didn't look a lot like himself or their dad. She had thick reddish brown hair that only looked red on a sunny day and gold eyes that always looked drowsy. He wouldn't call her a stray though.

"Why weren't you fighting back?"

"I was saving my energy so I could get away when they got tired."

“That could’ve taken hours.”

“Yeah,” Loki said, blowing gooey blood and snot into the rag. “I wasn’t thinking.”

"Why'd you bite off Bene's finger?"

"He hit you. I don't care if people hurt me, but you're different. You shouldn't have to deal with that."

"But I'm your older brother. It's my job to protect you."

"Says who?"

Erwin felt Loki tense when the door opened and closed. Dad was home. She knew she'd have to explain how she lied the first time about those kids picking on her. Erwin listened to his father’s heavy footsteps as he cleaned up Loki's bloody arm and lip with a wet cloth and some cooking alcohol when he heard their Dad stop in the doorway.

"Loki? What happened to you?"

"Bullies. Don't worry though, brother saved me after I bit a kid's finger off."

Erwin winced. She didn't really have to give their father that much information. It wasn't like he was asking for an extended response like at school. Loki was smiling though, and she and Erwin both knew their father couldn't resist her smile. He just hoped he didn’t get in trouble too.

"Both of you, in my office."

So much for being off the hook.

Loki grinned and jumped off the chair, still holding the rag to her nose. She grabbed Erwin’s hand with her free one and started dragging him to the dreaded study. Every time they got to go in there, it was for something bad. She plopped onto the couch against the wall and pulled Erwin next to her, still keeping that idiotic grin on her face.

“Why are you smiling?” Erwin hissed. “We’re getting in trouble, you know.”

“But we’re doing it together.”


	4. Chapter 4

Loki let Erwin lead her out of town to a meadow with green grass and trees. It looked like it would be a good place to roll around and get dirty and make grass angels. She wasn't too keen on the reason he was dragging her out there though. For months, he'd been trying to teach her to read, but Loki didn't want to. If she learned to read then Erwin and daddy wouldn't read to her anymore. Then she wouldn't get to snuggle with daddy during bedtime stories, and Erwin wouldn't let her cuddle up close so she could see all the pictures while he read to her in that exasperated tone she loved so much. She wasn't stupid. She knew a bad deal when she saw one. Besides, why would she need to learn to read if she was going to live with Erwin forever? After all, they were obviously going to get married. Duh.

"Erwin! I don't wanna read! Can't we just play?" Loki whined as she tried to dig her feet into the moist dirt.

"Come on, Loki. It'll be fun," Erwin said as he dragged her over to a tree. It looked like it would be fun to climb, but no. They couldn’t do that because Loki had to read. Erwin sat and opened his book and patted the space next to him.

Loki crossed her arms over her chest and huffed as she sat beside him, making sure to get close enough that she could see the pictures and stay warm.

"Can you read the title?" he asked.

“I only know one word.”

“Which one is that?”

"And."

"That's it? Can't you sound it out?"

Loki huffed and rolled her eyes. She was already tired of this. "Brr...uhh...th...er. Brother and...sssisss...tur. Sister?"

"Good. I'll read most of it, but you have to read whatever the sister says."

Loki nodded, already enraptured at the fact that the story was about a brother and sister like her and Erwin. She pointed at the picture of a tawny animal with big ears, four legs and white spots all along its back. It was so pretty. "What's that?" she asked, reaching over him to point at it.

"That's a baby deer. It's called a fawn. It actually has-“

"Okay, okay, start the story."

Erwin whacked her hand away and opened the book. The first picture was of a boy and girl standing outside in a forest. "Little brother took his little sister by the hand and said, 'Since our mother died we have been miserable. Our stepmother beats us and whenever we come near her she kicks us. Hard leftover crusts of bread are our food. Come, let us run away together.’ They walked the whole day over meadows, fields, and stones. And when it rained the little sister said..."

Loki was too busy staring at a squirrel that was digging around to her left. She wondered what that would taste like.

"Loki...your turn."

"Oar...hare…ts…are…cr…ying...to...get her."

"It's 'our hearts are crying together!'"

"Keep going."

Erwin sighed. "In the evening they came to a large forest, and they were so tired that they climbed into a hollow tree and fell asleep. The next day when they awoke the sun was already high in the sky. The brother said, 'Sister, I am thirsty. If I knew of a little spring I would get a drink. I think I hear one.' The brother got up and took his sister by the hand to try to find the spring.

"Now the wicked stepmother was a Titan, and she noticed the two children had gone away, and secretly crept after them, and she bewitched all the springs in the woods."

Loki gasped, but then she realized something. “Hey, wait a second! You said titans can’t talk! And they’re not girls either. How did she get into the Walls?”

“Loki, it’s a story. It’s just a story to scare kids into not wanting to go outside the walls.”

“Oh…why?”

“Because…” He looked around before inching in close. “Because they want to control us.”

Well, Loki had just lost interest. She wanted to finish the story and get home before daddy finished the stew so she could help cut vegetables and sneak a few as a snack. “Story now.”

"They found a spring, glistening as it ran over the stones. The brother was about to drink from it, but his sister heard how its rushing sound said, 'Whoever drinks from me will become a bear.'

"Then the sister cried out... "

"Brother...do not…dr…eyenk…frohm…that spreyeng...or...I can’t say that part."

"That's: 'Brother, do not drink from that spring or you'll become a wild animal and eat me," he corrected. "The brother did not drink, although he was thirsty, but said, 'I will wait for the next spring.'

"When they came to the next spring the sister heard it say 'Whoever drinks from me will become a wolf.' And the sister stopped him.

"The brother did not drink, and said, 'I will wait until we come to the next spring, but then I must drink, say what you will, for I am very thirsty.'

"When they came to the third spring the sister heard how its rushing sound said, 'Whoever drinks from me will become a deer.' The sister said...”

"Oh, my turn. 'Brother, do not...or you will…be cohme a...deer...and… leave…me."

"Good job, you're doing better. But the brother had already knelt down by the spring, leaned over, and drunk from the water. As soon as the first drops touched his lips he lay there in the form of a young deer. Now the sister cried over her poor brother, and the deer cried also, sitting sadly next to her.

"Finally the girl said..."

"Erwin! We'll never finish if I have to read all the sister parts! You said I did good! Can’t you finish it? Please.”

"Fine, fine, I'll finish. 'Be quiet, my sweet little deer. I will never, never leave you.'”

“Awww,” Loki cooed as she touched the picture. “Erwin, I’ll never leave you.”

Erwin blushed but continued reading. "S-She took off her golden necklace and put it around the deer's neck. Then she found some vines and wove them into a soft cord. This she tied to the little animal and led it onward, walking deeper and deeper into the woods. After they had walked a long, long way they finally came to a little house. The girl looked in, and because it was empty, she thought, 'We can stay here.'

"She found leaves and moss to make a soft bed for the deer. Every morning she went out and gathered roots, berries, and nuts for herself, and brought tender grass for the little deer, who ate out of her hand, and was contented and played with her. In the evening, when the sister was tired, she laid her head on the deer's back for a pillow, and fell asleep. For some time it was like this. Then it happened that the king held a great hunt in these woods. The blasts of the horns, the barking of the dogs, and the merry shouts of the huntsmen sounded through the trees. The little deer heard this and wanted ever so much to see them.

"'Oh,' he said to his sister. 'Let me go and join the hunt. I cannot resist.' He begged so long that she finally agreed.”

"Wait! It talks?! Deers can't talk!"

"It's just a story, Loki."

"But-"

"Do you want me to finish?"

Loki huffed and scowled. "Yes."

"'But,' she said she to him. 'Come back to me in the evening. I must lock the door to keep the huntsmen out. To let me know that it's you, knock and say, 'My little sister, let me in.'

"Then the young deer left. He felt so good and was so happy to be in the open air. The king saw the beautiful animal and started after him, but they could not catch him. When it was dark he ran to the little house, knocked, and said, 'My little sister, let me in.'

"She opened the door for him, and he jumped inside and rested on his soft bed. The next day the hunt began anew, and when the little deer again heard the hunting horn, he could not resist, but said, 'Sister, open the door for me. I must be off.'

"His sister opened the door for him, saying, 'But this evening you must be here again and say the password.'

"When the king saw the young deer with his golden collar,they all chased him, but he was too fast. As evening fell, the huntsmen surrounded him, and one of them wounded him, causing him to limp. Slowly, he ran away. A huntsman crept after him to the little house and heard how he called out, and saw that someone opened the door for him, and then immediately shut it. The huntsman took notice then went to the king and told him what he had seen.

"Then the king said, 'Tomorrow we will continue with our hunt.'

"The little sister was terribly frightened when she saw that her young deer was wounded. She washed the blood off him, applied herbs, and said, 'Go to bed, my sweet deer, so that you will get well again.'

"But the wound was so slight that the next morning the deer no longer felt it. And when he again heard the merry sound of the hunt outside, he said, 'I cannot resist it. I must be there. They'll never get me.'

"Crying, the sister said, 'This time they will kill you, and I will be alone, forsaken by the whole world. I will not let you out.'

"'Then I will die here from grief.'

"Then the sister could not help herself, and with a heavy heart she unlocked the door. The deer vigorously and joyfully bounded off into the woods. When the king saw him he said to his huntsmen, 'Chase after him, but take care that no one does him harm.'

"As soon as the sun had set the king said to the huntsman, 'Now come and show me the little house in the woods.' When he came to the door he knocked and called out, 'Dear little sister, let me in.'

"The door opened, and the king walked in, and there stood a girl who was more beautiful than any girl he had ever seen. The girl was frightened when she saw that it was not her deer, but a man wearing a golden crown. However, the king looked kindly at her, reached out his hand to her, and said, 'Will you go with me to my castle and be my wife?'

"'Oh, yes,' answered the girl. 'But the little deer must go with me. I cannot leave him.'”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Loki snapped. “She just said yes. Just like that? That’s stupid.”

“Loki, quiet. The king said, 'He shall stay with you as long as you live.' Just then he came bounding in, and the sister again tied him to the cord of rushes. She herself took hold of it and walked out of the little house with him.

"The king lifted the beautiful girl onto his horse and took her to his castle within the innermost wall, where their wedding was held. She was now the queen, and they lived happily for a long time. The deer was cared for and cherished, and ran about in the castle garden.

"Now the wicked stepmother heard that they were happy and well off, envy and hatred filled her heart, leaving her no peace. Her only thoughts were how she could bring about their downfall. Her own Titan daughter, who was ugly as night and had only one eye, complained to her, saying, 'I am the one who should have become queen.'

"'Just be quiet,' answered the old woman, then comforted her by saying, 'When the time comes I shall be at hand.'

"As time went by the queen brought a handsome little boy into the world. It happened at a time when the king was out hunting. Then the Titan took the form of the chambermaid, went into the room where the queen was lying and said to her, 'Come, your bath is ready. It will do you good and give you fresh strength. Hurry, before it gets cold.'

"The Titan daughter was also nearby. They carried the queen into the bathroom and put her into the tub. Then they locked the door shut and ran away. Now they had made a fire of such hellish heat in the bathroom that the beautiful young queen suffocated. When this was done the Titan took her daughter, put a nightcap on her head, and laid her in the queen's bed. Furthermore, she gave her the form and appearance of the queen, but she could not replace the missing eye. So the king would not notice, Titan daughter was to lie on the side where she had no eye.

"In the evening when the king came home and heard that he had a son he was delighted. He was about to go to his wife's bed to see how she was, when the Titan quickly called out, 'You must leave the curtains closed. The queen is not yet permitted to look into the light, and she must have rest.'

"The king went away, not knowing a false queen was lying in her bed. At midnight when everyone was asleep, the nurse who was sitting in the nursery by the cradle, and who was the only one still awake, saw the door open and the true queen walk in. She took the child from the cradle, laid him on her arm, and fed him. Then she fluffed his pillow, laid him back down, and covered him with his little quilt. And she did not forget the deer, but went to the corner where he was lying and stroked his back. Then she went back out through the door without saying a word. In this manner she came many nights, never speaking a word. The nurse saw her every time, but she did not dare to tell anyone. After some time had passed, the queen began to speak, saying, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I shall come two more times, then never again.'

"The nurse did not answer her, but when the queen had disappeared, she went to the king and told him everything.

"The king said, 'Good heaven, what is this? Tomorrow night I will keep watch by the child.'

"That evening he went into the nursery, and at midnight the queen appeared and said, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I shall come one more time, then never again.' She fed the child and then disappeared,” Erwin paused. “Loki, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I-It’s sad. She died and…can’t be with her brother.”

“What about the king?”

“Fuck him.”

“Hey, language. The king did not dare speak to her, but on the following night he kept watch again. Once again she said, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I come this one time, then never again.'

"Now the king could not restrain himself. He jumped towards her, saying, 'You can only be my dear wife.'

"She answered, 'Yes,' and in that moment, she came back to life, fresh, vibrant, and healthy.

"She told the king about the crime that the Titan and her daughter committed against her. The king ordered both to be brought before the court, and a judgment was pronounced against them. They were led into the woods where they were killed by the knights by chopping their necks off. And they burned to ashes. As soon as it came to pass, the deer was transformed, and he received his human form again. And the sister and the brother lived happily together until they died."

Loki sniffled, whipped her eyes and smiled and hugged Erwin. "You're my deer, and I'm going to kick the king's ass if he tries to take you away."

"Loki, language. You remember what happened last time dad heard you saying that stuff."

Oh, Loki remembered. She couldn’t sit down for a few days after the spankings she got for cussing while arguing with Erwin.

"Erwin, you’re my deer. Am I your deer?"

"Uhm, sure."

"Will you keep me safe from the Titans?"

"Of course I will."

Loki grinned and started running back to town. "Come on, deer. I wanna sneak some veggies before dinner.”

* * *

 

A mop of ruddy brown hair, ruffled in disarray, peeked out from underneath thick covers tangled about splayed limbs. An arm stretched outwards, joining a small foot in the search for a cool spot on the bed. Shoulders rose in a hitched breath from under the blankets, and the little girl abruptly turned onto her side, tangling the sheets further. Her eyebrows scrunched together, and a grimace tugged at her mouth, making her upper lip curl. The lightest dusting of freckles peppered the bridge of her nose and cheeks, nearly invisible were it not for the pale hue of her skin. Gold eyes danced beneath closed lids in a frenzy, and a muffled noise of distress escaped the girl's throat.

She tossed again, face burying itself in the sheets, far from where her pillows and doll rested. Fingers clenched around the blankets briefly before her legs kicked them entirely off the edge of the mattress. She shuddered, limbs jerking unconsciously as she was pulled further into the darkness of her nightmare. Then she gasped, sitting upright in her bed, eyes darting about wildly. Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs, shoulders rising and falling in panicked breaths as she fought against the last dregs of terror that remained. Loki shuddered, scrambling out of the large bed and onto the floor.

There was a tiny knock at the door, and that’s all the warning Loki gave before she dashed into the room, nearly tripping over a pile of Erwin's clothes, and flopped onto the bed like a dying fish and scuttled under the blankets. Erwin was asleep. She wasted no time pressing herself against him. The movement was enough to wake Erwin from his slumber, and he groaned something incoherent before actually coming to. Loki pulled back only for a short time to let Erwin turn around and wrap his arms around her. Erwin gave a content sigh, rubbing Loki’s back and letting their legs intertwine.

Loki was scared of a lot of things, but she'd never admit it. She would only let Erwin, and sometimes daddy see her fear. One of the things she was afraid of was titans, especially after that story Erwin read earlier in the day. After the nightmare she just had, she didn’t want to sleep alone. Then again, she always had nightmares when she slept alone. Maybe she could talk Erwin into letting her sleep with him every night.

“What is it this time?” Erwin asked tiredly, still rubbing small circles into Loki’s back.

Loki didn’t respond at first. “Nightmare.” Loki mumbled, nuzzling her head into the nape of Erwin's neck.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Loki let out the tiniest whimper and shook her head.

"Alright. Go back to sleep."

Loki shut her eyes and only burrowed further into her brother's chest, partially scared that the dream was real and he was being eaten by titans while she was forced to watch. When she did fall asleep though, she didn't dream. She slept soundly knowing Erwin was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story was an edited version of "Brother and Sister" by the Grimm brothers.


	5. Chapter 5

It was cloudy on the day of Dad's funeral, like the clouds were just waiting for Erwin to cry so they could hide his tears. Erwin wouldn’t cry out in the open when people could see him. Loki had been crying ever since Erwin woke her up that morning. She'd been crying since she found out their dad was gone. She felt abandoned. He promised to always be there for her, and now he was gone. He seemed so strong to her, but in reality, he was just weak and fragile. She worried how she and Erwin would get by and wondered if Erwin would ask her to leave.

* * *

 

Loki stared blankly at her father's body.

Bones were broken, teeth were missing, there were cuts and bruises and...he was dead. There was hardly any part of his body that didn’t have some sort on injury on it. Eyen his eyes were gouged and swollen shut. The waning sunlight reflected off his tan skin that was getting whiter by the minute. Erwin was kneeling beside their father while the Doctor spoke to the Military Police that came and got them. Erwin kept holding onto their dad's hand. Loki shook uncontrollably for a while after seeing her father, but all was still now. All was silent. Her breath was coming in ragged pants and she tried to control herself. Finally, she managed to calm enough to be rational.

“Erwin?" she questioned, stepping forward on wobbly legs. She was going to pass out.

Erwin just stared at the body, unable to even sum up an action or emotion, no words came and neither did a reaction.

"Erwin, we need to get home."

"My fault," he muttered to himself. "It's my fault."

"Hey," the Doctor bent and rubbed Erwin's shoulder. Loki just stood to the side, feeling like the outsider. "You couldn't know that. Let's get you up out of the dirt and fill your bellies with something warm."

Erwin flinched away. "No don't touch me," he muttered hoarsely.

Loki walked up to him and tugged on his sleeve. "Erwin...I want to go home. Please? I'm scared," she whimpered.

Erwin finally let the hand of their father drop and stood slowly. Erwin turned to her with steely eyes, his breath coming in pulling gasps and his body shaking like there was an earthquake coming from within. Loki shrunk away from him and watched as he marched past her. He started heading to Dr. Angel’s home, expecting Loki and the doctor to catch up. Loki’s eyes watered. Was he leaving her behind too then?

“Don’t worry about him, Loki. He’s just shaken up by this.”

Loki nodded to the doctor and lifted her arms up as a request to be held. He picked her up, and Loki looked over his shoulder at the body. The Military Police were standing there while an undertaker was hefting Daddy’s body into a cart. She clenched her eyes shut and buried her face in the doctor’s shoulder.

* * *

 

Loki looked around as Erwin gave their father's eulogy.

The heads of the attendees were bowed respectfully for the old teacher that taught half the town. Her eyes honed in on two Military Police officials who did not look sincere in the least. How dare they show their fucking faces, especially since they were the ones that covered up his murder. Loki and Erwin weren't as dumb as they looked. She already had a distrust of the Military Police after they hacked off her fingers just because she was hungry. Now, she was ready to rip them to pieces or blow them to smithereens. She tried too, but Erwin stopped her and told her to quit being so damn childish. Those were his exact words too.

The people were staring at her. They knew she wasn't really part of the Smith family. They knew she was just a stray they picked up off the street in an act of charity. They also thought that when the patriarch of the family passed, she'd leave. None of them knew she was extremely attached to her adoptive brother and father. She was in love as soon as they brought her in and told her she was family. Now, there was an empty spot in her heart, and Erwin was slowly drifting away from her. She tried to show him she loved him, but he only isolated himself further. While burying her father, she was also burying the old, fun, playful Erwin.

When Erwin sat beside her after he was done, Loki reached out to hold his hand, but he brushed her off. Loki reacted to this as if she'd been burned, jumping away from him and clutching the hand he swiped away. Maybe Erwin expected her to leave too. Maybe this was his way of cutting off all of their ties. But surely he wouldn't be so callous. He was her big brother. They were going to get married someday and live in a cottage so he could be her deer and she could be his princess.

Then the rain started.

Why did it always rain during funerals? One old woman said it was because the sky was crying because humanity lost another soul. Loki didn't believe that. Skies had no emotion. The sky couldn't cherish a memory and keep them alive through it. Loki felt like the sky sometimes: harsh and malevolent and above it all, but not today. Today she felt like dirt: low and lacking life. She felt trampled and lonely. She wanted someone to hug her, but no one would. All they would do was stare and scorn her. Loki really was just an outsider.

* * *

 

Loki sat curled up in bed waiting for Daddy to come tuck her in and read to her. Erwin was already asleep on the other side of the bed. Since Loki had frequent nightmares, she'd permanently moved into his room and his bed. Loki smiled and wriggled around in her spot when Daddy came with the thick storybook. It always had the best stories.

"Alright, Loki. You ready?"

Loki nodded eagerly.

"Alright, a miller fell into poverty, until he had nothing more than his mill and an apple tree. Since there was no wood inside the walls, he ventured into the outside world. There, he was approached by an old man whom he had never seen before, and who said, 'Why do you torment yourself with chopping wood? I will make you rich if you will promise me that which is standing behind your mill.'

“The miller said yes and signed it over to the strange man. The man, however, laughed and said, 'I will come in three years and get what belongs to me,' then went away.

"When he arrived home, his wife came to him and said, 'Husband, where did all the wealth come from? I don't know where it came from.'

"He answered, 'It comes from a strange man I met outside the walls who promised me great treasures if I would but sign over to him that which stands behind the mill.'

"'Oh, husband!' said the woman, terrified. ‘That was a Titan. He didn't mean the apple tree, but our daughter, who was just then standing behind the mill.'"

Loki gasped and clutched her blankets to her chest.

"The miller's daughter was a beautiful and pious and lived the three years worshipping the Goddesses and remained without sin. When the time was up and the day came when the Titan was to get her, she washed herself clean and drew a circle around herself with chalk. It appeared very early in the morning but could not approach her.

"He spoke angrily to the miller, 'Keep water away from her, so she cannot wash herself. Otherwise I have no power over her. She's too pure.'

"The miller was frightened and did what he was told. The next morning the Titan returned, but she had wept into her hands, and they were entirely clean. Thus he still could not approach her, and he spoke angrily to the miller, 'Chop off her hands. Otherwise I cannot get to her.'

"The miller was horrified and answered, 'How could I chop off my own child's hands!'

"Then the Titan threatened him, 'If you do not do it, I will take you.'

"This frightened the father promised to obey. Then he went to the girl, 'My child, if I do not chop off your hands, the Titan will take me away, and in my fear I have promised to do this. Help me, and forgive me.'

"She answered, 'Dear father, do with me what you will. I am your child,' and with that she stretched forth both hands and let her father chop them off.

"The Titan came a third time, but she had wept onto the stumps, and they were entirely clean. Then he had to give up, for he had lost all claim to her.

"The miller spoke to her, 'I have gained great wealth through you. I shall take care of you in splendor as long as you live.'

"But she answered, 'I cannot remain here.'

"Then she set forth, walking the entire day. She came to a royal garden within Wall Sina, and by the light of the moon she saw that inside there were trees full of beautiful fruit. But she could not get inside, for it was surrounded by water.

"Having walked the entire day without eating a bite, she was suffering from hunger, and she thought, 'Oh, if only I were inside the garden so I could eat of those fruits'

"Then she kneeled down and, crying out to the Goddesses, she prayed. Suddenly the Goddess Sina appeared. She closed a head gate, so the moat dried up, and the girl could walk through. She entered the garden, and Sina went with her. She saw a fruit tree with beautiful pears, but they had all been counted. She stepped up to the tree and ate from it with her mouth. The gardener saw it, but because Sina was standing by her he was afraid. He said nothing and did not dare to call out. After she had eaten the pear she was full, and she went and lay down in the brush."

"This girl's stupid,” Loki said, folding her arms over her chest.

Daddy's eyebrow shot up as he looked at her from over his glasses. "Now why do you say that?"

"You don't sleep where you steal. That’s rule number six.”

"Ah, ready to continue?"

Loki grinned and nodded.

"The king who owned this garden came the next morning. He counted the fruit and saw one of the pears was missing. He asked the gardener what had happened.

"The gardener answered, 'Last night a spirit came. It had no hands and ate one of the pears with its mouth.'

"The king asked, 'How did the spirit get across the water? And where did it go?'

"The gardener answered, 'One of the Goddesses came from heaven and closed the head gate so the spirit could walk through the moat. After the spirit had eaten the pear it went away.'

"The king said, 'If what you said is true, I will keep watch with you tonight.'

"After it was dark the king entered the garden, bringing a priest with him. All three sat under a tree and kept watch. At midnight the girl came creeping out of the brush, stepped up to the tree, and again ate a pear. The Goddess Rose was standing next to her.

"The priest walked up to them and said, 'Have you come from Heaven? Are you a spirit or a human?'

"She answered, 'I am a poor human who has been abandoned by everyone except God.'

"The king said, 'Even if you have been abandoned by the whole world, I will not abandon you.' He took her home with him, and because she was so beautiful he loved her with all his heart, had silver hands made for her, and took her as wife. After a year, the king had to go out into the battlefield, and he left the young queen in the care of his mother, saying, 'If she has a child, support her and take good care of her, and send me the news in a letter.'

"She gave birth to a son. The old mother quickly wrote this in a letter, giving the joyful news to the king. Now on the way the messenger stopped at a brook to rest. Tired from his long journey, he fell asleep. Then the Titan came to him. He still wanted the girl, and he took the letter, putting in its place one that stated that the queen had brought a Titan infant into the world.

"When the king read this letter he was frightened, but nevertheless he wrote an answer that they should take good care of the queen. The messenger returned with this letter, but he rested at the same place, and again fell asleep. The Titan came again and placed a different letter in his bag. This letter said that they should kill the queen and her child. The old mother was terribly frightened when she received this letter. She could not believe it, and wrote to the king again, but she got back the same answer, because each time the Titan substituted a false letter. And the last letter even stated that they should keep the queen's tongue and eyes as proof.

"The old mother lamented that such innocent blood was to be shed, and in the night she had a doe killed, cut out its tongue and eyes, and had them put aside. Then she said to the queen, 'I cannot have you killed, but you can no longer stay here. Go out into the wide world with your child, and never come back.'

"The old mother tied the queen's child onto her back, and the woman went away. She came to a great, wild forest where she got onto her knees and prayed. Then the Goddess Maria appeared to her and led her to a small house. On it was a small sign with the words, 'Here anyone can live free.'

"A snow-white priestess came from the house and said, 'Welcome, Queen,' then led her inside. She untied the small boy from her back and laid him in a beautiful made-up bed.

"Then the poor woman said, 'How did you know I am queen?'

'I am a priestess, sent by the Goddesses to take care of you and your child.'

"She stayed in this house for seven years, and was well taken care of. And through the grace of the Goddesses and her own piety her chopped-off hands grew back. The king finally came home from the battlefield, and the first thing he wanted to do was to see his wife and child.

"Then the old mother began to weep, saying, 'You wicked man, why did you write to me that I was to put two innocent souls to death,' and she showed him the two letters that the Titan counterfeited. Then she continued, 'I did what you ordered,' and showed him as proof the eyes and the tongue.

"Then the king began to weep for his poor wife and son until the old woman had mercy and said to him, 'Be satisfied that she is alive. I secretly told her to go out into the wide world, and she had to promise never to come back because you were so angry with her.'

"Then the king said, 'I will go as far as the sky is blue, and will neither eat nor drink until I have found my dear wife and child.'

"Then the king traveled about for seven years, searching in all the stone cliffs and caves, but he did not find her, and he thought that she had perished. He neither ate nor drank during the entire time, but the Goddesses kept him alive. Finally he came to a forest where he found a little house with a sign containing the words, 'Here anyone can live free.'

"The priestess came out, took him by the hand, led him inside, 'Welcome, King,' then she asked him where he had come from.

"He answered, 'I have been traveling for nearly seven years looking for my wife and child.'

"She offered him something to eat and drink, but he did not take it, wanting only to rest. He lay down to sleep, covering his face with a cloth. Then the angel went into the room where the queen was with her son, whom she normally called 'Filled-with-Grief.'"

"That's an awful name! What a stupid mom!”

"Shhh, your brother's trying to sleep."

"Oh," she whispered, looking over at the lump under the blankets that was her sibling. "Sorry."

"The priestess said to her, 'Go into the next room with your child. Your husband has come.'

"She went and the cloth fell from his face. Then she said, 'Filled-with-Grief, pick up the cloth for your father and put it over his face.'

"The child picked it up and put it over his face. The king heard this and let the cloth fall. Then the little boy grew impatient and said, 'Mumma, how can I cover my father's face? I have no father.'

"Hearing this, the king arose and asked who she was.

"She said, 'I am your wife, and this is your son Filled-with-Grief.'

"He saw her living hands and said, 'My wife had silver hands.'

"She answered, 'Our merciful Goddesses have caused my natural hands to grow back.'

"The priestess went into the other room, brought back the silver hands, and showed them to him. Now he saw for sure that it was his dear wife and child, and he kissed them, and rejoiced.

"Then the priestess gave them something to eat, and then they went back home. There was great joy everywhere, and the king and the queen conducted their wedding ceremony once again, and they lived happily until their blessed end."

Daddy shut the book as Loki rolled over and curled herself into her brother's back. She felt his whiskers as he kissed her forehead, and she giggled. He told her his "I love yous" and goodnights, and she did the same. As soon as he was gone, Loki looked at her hands. Maybe her fingers could grow back too someday. It didn't matter though. Her daddy and brother would always love her.

* * *

 

Her hands fisted in the fabric of her black dress. The Doctor's wife helped her get ready that morning. She made Loki wear the tight itchy dress and pulled her hair up so tight that she had a headache from the tension. Maybe she did it on purpose. Maybe you were supposed to feel uncomfortable when you were at funerals. Everyone looked uncomfortable, including Erwin. He looked the most uncomfortable of all. All he was doing was staring at the casket. He was probably still blaming himself for what happened.

The wind was picking up. A tear fell from Loki's cheek and stained the skirt of her dress. Her thoughts began racing. Why did he have to go? Why did he have to die? He didn't deserve to. He didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. But nothing was fair, her mind rang out. Especially for her. The wind was picking up even more now. Like it was angry at the injustice.

Suddenly, she was being picked up by the Doctor and carried away. Loki was shaking horribly and stared at her brother's back as he watched the men pick up daddy’s casket. They were putting him in the ground, being careful not to jostle him. Then they started burying him. Loki buried her face in the neck of the doctor and tried to stop thinking about how cramped it would be under all that dirt. It would be dark too. Her shaking was getting worse.

_Brother, don't leave me. Please. Not you too._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki: 7  
> Erwin: 12

Loki could barely walk straight through the rainy streets after her talk with Erwin. He was enlisted in the military and would be leaving in the evening for training camp. It'd been a long time coming, but Loki had been in denial about it ever since their father. Erwin tried to keep her oblivious too. He pushed her away as much as possible, only hurting her more as the months went by. She'd been pushed as far away from this as he could get her. Out of harm's way. Out of knowing what was really going on and what he was up to. She wasn't stupid though. But how could she be expected to sit by when it affected the one she loved so deeply?

When he first said it, she'd been cutting vegetables to make soup for dinner. It had always been her job to cook since Erwin was a moron in the kitchen and had the uncanny ability to burn water. As soon as it hit her ears, she somehow slit open her palm while peeling a potato. He just said it out of the blue: “Oh, and Loki, I’m leaving for military training tonight.” The knife clanked to the floor, and she just stood there in shock. He wanted to join the Scouting Legion. If there was anything Loki knew about the Scouts, it was that most of them never came back. Her mind automatically imagined Erwin being consumed by Titans. She imagined only getting an arm or his clothes back. She would die if he didn't survive either from grief or her own hand.

After all, there was no Loki without Erwin.

Without saying a word, she ran away, leaving a trail of blood in her wake. Now she was walking aimlessly as the downpour outside got worse. All she could do was imagine all the ways Erwin could die while letting her feet blindly carry her through town. When she finally looked at where she was, she found herself in a familiar meadow with a massive tree. That was where Erwin tried teaching her to read almost every day. Loki sobbed and walked over to the tree, sitting under the foliage. She started thinking about Erwin's funeral. All it did was made her sick to her stomach. She was going to vomit.

She was sobbing into her knees and ramming her fist into the trunk. It hurt. Bad. She wanted to drown out her misery with the pain. She kept on even after she heard a snap and her hand went numb. The sobbing and grief only got worse. They were leaving her. Her family was gone, and she was alone again. Of course Erwin wanted to leave. That's why he always kept his distance. He never loved her. He just put on a show for their dad. After their dad died, he didn't have to pretend anymore. Now he was leaving for good. A sob ripped through her chest and made her start trembling even worse.

"Loki?!" She could hear Erwin's voice over the rain. "Loki?! Damn it, Loki, answer me! Loki?! Loki!" She heard his running steps coming her way.

Loki looked up as she choked on her own tears. "Go away!"

"Loki, you're shaking. You're going to get sick sitting out here in the rain."

"I'm fine,” she whimpered, looking away as he got closer.

"Is your hand still-“

"I said I'm okay!" she screamed, hiding her face so he wouldn't see her crying. She was being a fucking baby, and she knew it. No wonder he wanted to leave.

"I know you're crying."

"Am not!"

Suddenly, Loki was being picked up and held. Erwin was sitting on the ground with her, holding her like an infant. Loki stiffened and struggled, arms pushing against Erwin while her fingers clawed at his arms weakly. All the while, Erwin didn't let go. After a few minutes, her walls fell and she embraced Erwin and cried into his chest. The tears in Loki's eyes fell violently down her cheeks.

"Loki...you know I have to do this for dad. For humanity. By whatever means-"

"Don't." Her words were muffled in his chest, along with her sobbing. She'd become hysterical in the span of a few seconds. His damn duty was always so important. Wasn't she important? “Don’t fucking talk to me about humanity. Humanity is what got us into this mess.”

* * *

 

Erwin rested his head against Loki’s as he pulled her hand up for him to see. The cut wasn't too deep, but it was caked with dirt and mud. He was pretty sure her hand was broken too based on the odd angle her fingers were pointing. He sighed. Usually he'd scold her for being so childish and careless. But now he couldn't. To be honest, he was a little startled at her violent, psychotic reaction to his news. Sure, he could've planned it better, but still, he'd never seen her so upset. Not even when their father was killed. Something was wrong with her that was deeper down. Erwin knew how to read people, and when he looked at Loki, he saw so much horror hidden behind her lazy gold eyes. This was something that happened to her before they met rearing its ugly head.

A few moments passed, and Erwin began running his fingers through her hair to console her. It worked, a little. Her sobs were slowly dying down to sniffles and hiccups. But she refused to let him out of her death grip.

"Please...stay."

"Loki, I can't." He would have to leave soon. He couldn't put this off any longer.

"Please!" she whined.

Now came his choice. Duty? Or her? He'd always put duty first. She knew this. It was important to him that this be done, not just for him but his father as well. "I can't."

Loki's body suddenly locked up like a coiled spring. "If you die...I'll kill myself."

"I won't die then," he said cautiously. This was a side of Loki he'd never seen before. "Don't worry about me, Loki. I'll visit as often as I can, and I'll send money when I can too so you won't have to work too hard in the bakery." He pulled out a bottle of sedative Dr. Angehlescu gave him to give Loki if she had any episodes. "Here, drink this."

Loki mechanically opened her mouth and let him pour it down her throat. Her eyes looked so lifeless now that she had calmed down. It was like her soul had been sucked out. He watched her as she slowly fell asleep before picking her up and carrying her to Dr. Angelhescu's home.

* * *

 

"It fucking hurts, thank you very little," Loki groused angrily as Dr. Angel led her to a spare room in his home. Apparently, neither he nor Erwin trusted her enough to be alone. Smart people.

In her mind, Loki was already planning ways to get Erwin's attention. She could get really sick by going to one of those death colonies outside the town. Maybe she could "accidentally" fall off a tree or a roof. Maybe she could get kicked by a horse. Or maybe she could get addicted to one of those illegal drugs that made you forget about the world. She could use some of that. There was nothing Erwin or the good old doctor could do to stop her from thinking and planning. Loki was quite cunning after all.

"That's too bad," the doctor says, and he sounds quite a bit more disgustingly smug than he has any business being. "Because you're stuck dealing with it. Think of it as penance for being so reckless with your own health.”

Loki's entire right arm was stiff, swollen and throbbing. She had a cast enveloping her entire hand including the fingers, and the cut she accidentally made while peeling potatoes needed stitches. While the doctor put her hand in the cast, Erwin paced and chewed her out. At the time, she could care less because of that lovely sedative Erwin have her to keep her from freaking out again. She could really use another one to drown out the mental pain she was in because it was way worse than the physical pain she had.

Erwin left her there to join the fucking Military Academy.

Before he left, Loki had to beg him for a goodbye kiss. When she got it, she tried to make it last longer than was acceptable for a brother and sister. She loved him after all and wouldn’t see him for four years. Four fucking years. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to hold his lips against hers, but he was stronger than her. Of course he was. He pulled Loki away and cupped her neck gently, running his thumb over her birthmark. He told her to get some rest and then he left her. Alone.

“I’m not giving you any pain blocking herbs since you’ve already taken a sedative.”

Loki rolled her eyes. "Awesome," she snapped, hard-edged and sarcastic. "Because nothing out there beats good ole fashioned pain."

"Well, isn't that just too bad? Maybe next time you’ll think twice before you to beat your hand to a pulp."

"Don't bet on it,” she growled as he left.

Loki rolled onto her side away from the door as soon as she was alone. Alone. How long had it been since she actually slept by herself? Sure, Erwin made her get a bed for herself, but he still slept in the same room as her. Now though…now he was moving thousands of miles away to a training camp while Loki stayed locked up and abandoned in the old doctor’s house. Loki felt tears dripping down her nose and sniffled before burying her face in her pillow so no one could hear her sobs.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki: 11  
> Erwin: 16

As she was making dinner with Loki, Claudia noticed a deep, irritated cut on Loki's arm. It made her pause in her cutting of the lamb leg. Loki paused in her stirring and glared at her in a challenge. Ever since Erwin left four years ago, Loki had been recalcitrant and depressed. The first few days, she was catatonic and just lay in the guest bed staring at the ceiling. Then she was in a psychotic rage for almost a month and a half. Now she had reverted to depression and aggression.

* * *

 

"I can’t! I can’t do this anymore! He left me! I have no one!" Loki screamed as she started slamming her head against the wall.

The sound of dull thuds echoed through the room, and with each slam, Loki felt pain radiating behind her eyes. It was almost enough to make her forget that she was alone and no one cared. Almost. Dr. Angel caught her head with his hand and pulled her to his chest. Loki screamed and beat her good fist into his chest before reverting to shaking and whimpering.

She felt safer when she was being held. She heard Dr. Angel say something about Trauma Disorder and Separation Anxiety. Loki wasn't stupid though. She was a realist. Sooner or later those arms--anyone's arms--would let go, and the real world would come rushing back in to engulf and suffocate her. People she loved would die, and she'd be left alone trying to fend for herself until she died along with them. That may be sooner than later.

"You’re wrong," the doctor murmured. "You’re not alone. Erwin will be back soon. Until then, Claudia and I will be here."

"It's not the same. I love him. We were supposed to be together forever, but he's gone," she hiccupped. “He hates me. He fucking hates me.”

Dr. Angel put a bottle to Loki's lips, and she drank obediently. She didn't want to be awake anymore anyway. When she was asleep, she could be at home with her brother and dad. Both of them left her. One of them permanently and the other one getting there far too quickly.

* * *

 

"Loki," Claudia said cautiously, worried she'd send the girl into an episode if she got too specific with her questioning. "How did that happen?"

"The fuck should I know?" she snapped.

Before Claudia could respond, the door opened. "I'm back!" Erwin's deep voice called.

Claudia and Constantin knew Erwin was coming back several weeks ago. He wrote often, inquiring about Loki's health and the town in general. When he told them he was returning in a few days, he asked them not to tell Loki because he wanted to surprise her. Claudia watched as Loki's breath hitched. She hoped this wouldn't send Loki into an episode. There was a knife right next to her, and it made Claudia nervous. It wouldn’t be the first time Loki tried slicing herself and the furniture to ribbons.

"Hello, Loki. Miss me?"

It didn't take more than five seconds for her to react. The ruddy haired girl flung herself at Erwin and threw her arms around her brother's neck with teary eyes before flinging her legs around him to like a monkey clinging to its mother. "Brother!”

That was the first time Loki smiled since she started living with them. Her eyes were alive with life. Claudia smiled softly at the reunion, but she also wondered about the relationship between the two. It didn't seem very much like a sibling relationship, but then again, she never had siblings. She didn't know what that relationship was supposed to look like. Still…it was a little too intimate.

"I take that as a yes."

"I missed you," she said quietly. "I thought about you every single second."

"I missed you too," he said after hugging her and pulling her off of him.

* * *

 

Erwin knew about Loki's amorous feelings for him; he would be legitimately shocked if someone didn't pick up on it. He also knew about her self-hatred and problems with abandonment. He liked to think he knew the extent to which it spread, but he was well aware that he didn't understand why. He wished he could help her more, wished she could go to one of those mind health centers in Wall Sina where they had better medicines and people who could help her.

Loki was sick in the morning, which meant something pretty serious was wrong. Loki never got sick. Ever. The last time she was bedridden was when she got a horrible virus that made her liver swell and made her tired all the time. Loki was perfectly fine yesterday. There was no reason she should be sick. The only time Erwin had seen anyone suddenly get sick with these symptoms was in training. One of the trainees tried to stitch a cut they got sneaking around at night. They never cleaned the wound or sterilized the needle.

And that's when all the pieces started to come together, and Erwin realized what Loki had been doing. She hurt herself. Intentionally.

* * *

 

Loki looked at the cuts on her leg with a sigh. It'd been three years, and still Erwin wouldn't come back to ehr. No matter what she did. Loki was sitting in the corner of the room, holding a knife. She pulled it hard across the canvas of her milky white thigh again, next to the “Erwin” scar on her hip. She exhaled harshly at the pain. She hated doing this, but there was no other way to get his attention other than hurting herself. Then again, it didn’t help that she hated herself, that she thought she deserved something worse than the pain.

There was a sharp knock at the door. It startled her, making her cut deeper than she intended.

"Loki? Are you alright in there?" the doctor’s wife asked through the door.

"Yeah. Getting changed."

"Alright dear, check in before going to bed."

"Yeah."

Loki looked down at her thigh. There were dozens of superficial cuts, but the one she just caused stood out. It was deep, deeper than she ever cut. She could see yellow fat tissue. She needed to sew that one up. She covered the wound with a handkerchief and rustled around in her secret box. The box was filled with letters to Erwin she'd never send, dried up flowers from the meadow where she and Erwin used to play and first aid materials. She pulled out the suture thread and a curved needle.

"No time to clean anything," she muttered as she threaded the needle and haphazardly stitched the wound closed. She stuffed her bloody nightdress under the bed and changed into another before going to say goodnight and get her medicine to help her sleep.

* * *

 

Erwin was upset, confused, concerned. He had to take a moment to compose himself. They told him she stopped doing this childish sort of thing a year ago. Did that just mean they didn’t know she was still doing it? He looked at Loki as she slept in the bed she begged to share with him and noticed something. She had a few thick, raised scars on her forearms. Erwin carefully sat on the bed beside her and took her arm in his hands. There was a fresh cut on her wrist. It could only have been a few days old.

Loki's eyes opened weakly from his touch. She tried to tug her arm away weakly.

"Anything you'd like to tell me, Loki?" he asked, still holding her arm.

She tried to roll away from him with a whine.

"Take off your clothes, Loki. Now."

"No," she muttered to the wall.

Erwin clenched his jaw. Normally, he was calm in the face of opposition, but for some reason it was different this time. He gripped the covers and quickly ripped them off.

"Noooo. Erwin," she whined. "Erwin please don't do this." She curled into herself.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Fuck no."

"What happened, Loki?" He sat on the bed and started stroking her hair. She always opened up to physical contact.

"I...I cut myself," she whimpered.

Erwin sat there for a moment just staring at her, unbelieving. Hearing it from her mouth sent a shock through his system. Loki, his baby sister, deliberately harmed herself. He was upset, furious. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to hold her and tell her she should love herself like he loved her. He wanted to tell her her soul was beautiful. He did none of these things. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, gripping Loki's hand.

Loki pulled the hem of her nightdress up to reveal a puss-filled, inflamed cut that was horribly stitched together. Erwin hissed through his teeth as he gingerly touched the inflamed skin. It felt like it was on fire. He noticed some of her other scars and pulled her nightdress up to her waist. Her body was littered with scars like a cat’s scratch post. Erwin even saw one on her hip that was his name carved into her white skin.

Erwin was going to be sick. "Why would you do this?"

"I'm such a fuck up. I only cause problems and...and I'm just insane. No wonder you wanted to leave me. I’m worthless."

“Loki, you know that’s a load of shit.”

Loki’s eyes widened at his use of profanity. “I-I know. I can’t help it.” She reached up and took his hand in both of hers. "Your hands are calloused," she whispered before kissing his hand gently.

Erwin pulled away. "I'm getting the doctor."

* * *

 

The day after the doctor found out about Loki’s infected cut, he decided to operate on it by lancing the pustules, sanitizing the wound and stitching it up properly. As they were strapping her down, Loki started freaking herself out thinking about everything that could go wrong. She was slowly realizing she didn’t want to die just yet.

She grabbed Erwin’s arm as he helped the doctor hold her down and still and whimpered in the back of her throat. “Erwin.”

“Shhh, it’s fine. Stay still.”

“Erwin, I’m sorry for being an awful sister, for being alive and for wishing I was dead. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I know, Loki. I’ve forgiven you. It’s okay.”

Loki tried to hide the shaking, not to mention the tears that started to well up and spill over. That’s when she felt the intense slicing pain in her leg. Loki would’ve jackknifed into the upright position if a chest strap hadn’t been pinning her down. Loki screamed as the pain only got worse. It felt like they were lighting a fire inside the wound. Erwin and the doctor’s wife were busy trying to hold her still. When the pain became too much, Loki finally started to black out.

* * *

 

“E-Erwin?” Loki slurred before hissing through her teeth when she tried to move.

"Welcome back," Erwin said as he stood from wherever he used to be. He pushed her back down and kept a comforting hand on her neck, rubbing her birthmark gently. "You did well, Loki.”

"What the hell is wrong with me," she mumbled as tears started to leak from her eyes.

"Nothing's wrong with you, Loki. Just get some sleep.”

For some reason, that only made Loki cry harder. She rolled away from Erwin so he couldn’t see and let her chest tremble with each hiccup for breath.

She felt the bed shift, and suddenly she was being hugged. Erwin was lying beside her! Loki felt a calloused thumb wiping her face of tears. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” he said quietly, rubbing gentle circles across Loki’s back. “Do your best to sleep.”

“Can you stay with me,” Loki pleaded. “Until I fall asleep? Please?”

“I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

“Then never leave me. Please.”

He didn’t answer that, but Loki was too tired to think about it for too long.


	8. Chapter 8

Erwin knocked on the door to Loki's room in their new shared home late in the night. Despite Loki's protests, he didn't usually let her stay in his room with him anymore. They really were getting way too old for that. Tonight was different though. Tonight he needed to see her, make sure she was alright. Loki opened the door, cautiously peeking out with sleep-heavy eyes. When she saw it was him, she opened the door fully.

"Erwin?" she asked, sleepily rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I thought you were coming back home tomorrow."

Erwin smirked at her reaction. Loki was usually a very heavy sleeper. He wouldn't be surprised if she woke up in the morning and didn't remember this conversation ever occurred. Had she been fully awake, she probably would've smothered him like she usually did when he returned home from duty at the Corps.

This last tour lasted two months. It was one of the longer of his tours since it involved getting prepared for an expedition outside the walls. He was afraid Loki would have another episode, but the doctor had given her herbs to help her sleep so she wouldn’t get depressed at night. She wrote to him often, and she told him it actually helped. He believed her for the most part. There would always be a part of him that wouldn’t fully trust Loki though. She was too much of a loose cannon.

"I know, I decided to come home early. Want me to...sleep in your bed?"

Loki perked. "Really? You mean it?"

Erwin was glad it was dark so she could see the light blush. "Uh, yeah. Is that okay?"

Loki nodded and pulled him inside before shutting the door behind him.

All the while, Erwin was remembering the mission. His first mission in the Survey Corps. All he could see were his comrades, no, his friends, dying in front of him. If he thought about it long enough, it wasn't his friends anymore but Loki that was screaming for mercy through snot and tears. The images were alarming enough to him that Erwin asked to be dismissed early to head home. Commander Shadis was kind enough to allow it. Now that he could see Loki was fine and well, it calmed him, but only a little.

Loki crawled into her bed without a second thought, and Erwin followed closely after, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her against his chests as soon as she pulled the quilt up over them. A shudder jolted through his body unexpectedly when he buried his face in her messy ruddy hair. Upon smelling and feeling her, the overwhelming emotions from the things he just faced started assaulting him like a flash flood.

Loki rolled over in his arms. She seemed more awake now. "What happened? You’re shaking."

Erwin felt tears prick his eyes. What didn't happen would be a much easier question to answer. Upon leaving the walls, Erwin had been wonder struck at the beauty of the outside world. He automatically thought Loki would enjoy it there. That's when the first titans showed themselves. There were seven in the group they saw coming from a nearby outcropping of trees. Three of them were three meters, and the rest were ten. Erwin had cockily thought he could handle it without breaking a sweat. He was an idiot. He was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Using the 3DMG, they starting attacking the Titans. They seemed to have the upper hand until the Titans started fighting back. They swatted several of them to the ground like pesky flies before crouching down to tear them apart with their hands and massive teeth. Erwin thought he could save at least one. All he could do was save the upper half of an old training buddy. He was still alive as his entrails dragged behind him. Commander Shadis snapped him out of whatever was happening, and Erwin was able to get away from a Titan reaching for him. At the expense of his friend. His friend begged him not to leave him, but Erwin had no choice. He could remember seeing his reflection in the Titan’s teeth.

He was pulled from the horrible memories by something soft and warm touching his lips. Loki was giving him a brief, loving kiss. It had been so long since he allowed her to do it. For some reason, he broke down completely and let a sob wrack his body as he clung to her. Loki wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. She held him when he was supposed to be holding her. She was supporting him despite the lack of support he could give to her. Erwin just couldn't get the thoughts out of his head. He couldn't pull it together.

"This is the first time you've cried in front of me,” she whispered. He could feel her warm breath on his cheek. It almost reminded his of Titan breath, but it was much hotter and fouler than hers.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. “I shouldn’t be doing this in front of you. Not with everything you’re going through.”

"Erwin, we're family. We're all that's left. We have to support each other," she said against his chest. She was shaking. No, she was crying.

"Loki?"

"I missed you so much," she said shakily. She sounded almost sheep like. “I was so worried you wouldn’t come home.”

Erwin didn't know what went on in Loki's mind. All he knew was what the doctor vaguely explained to him. Loki got very scared and very anxious when she was ever alone. When Erwin left, it was like he was dead. She felt perpetually alone, and she relived whatever trauma she faced and suppressed on a daily basis. When he came back it was like a miracle every time. It was like an assault on her systems that left her drained and depressed.

"I missed you too...I wanted to see you. Make sure you were safe. I...I wanted to see that you were okay."

“What happened outside?”

“A lot of people died,” he said solemnly.

"Erwin."

Erwin looked down just in time for Loki's lips to press against his. It was different from the one she had given him earlier. It was too long to be platonic. No, this was meant to be romantic. He tried to pull away, but Loki pulled his head down to her own by wrapping her arms around his neck and running her fingers through his har. Erwin quickly pulled her away when he felt something stirring in the base of his spine and in his cock. This was wrong; they were siblings. This went against everything he tried to make himself believe.

"Loki," he managed before she whimpered and tried to kiss him again, pressing her body flush against him. "Loki, no. Stop it. We can't. We can’t do this."

"Why?"

"We're...we're siblings. Just...just sleep. I'll be here when you wake up," he said, pulling her close so she couldn’t move.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"I love you, Erwin."

He said nothing, fearing she may get the wrong idea.

Their relationship was becoming much less platonic than he'd like. Ever since their father died, she tried getting closer and closer to him. In retrospect, trying to push her away from him probably made it worse. They were in a codependent relationship that Erwin was trying to stop, but Loki was constantly pulling him right back into it. It was like being stuck in quicksand. He even got into a relationship with a girl named Marie while he was away from home, but she wanted too much from him.

She wanted him to move in with her in the city and let Loki stay with the doctor in their small hometown. With news of every attempt of suicide, Erwin was becoming more and more willing to leave Loki and the mess she was behind. He felt guilty for it now though. He felt guilty that the only thing that stopped him was the breakup. Marie didn't want him to join the Survey Corps. She wanted him to be safe with her, but Erwin couldn't do that. He couldn't bring himself to give up his plans to redeem his father and his theories. Not even for love. So he returned to Loki, and he was again reminded of how much he loved her. It was alarming.

Even his buddy Nile tried to convince him to leave Loki behind. He said that Loki was corrupting him and making him sick along with her. He asked Erwin why the hell he kept worrying about her and often tried to make him forget her. Erwin would always reply with the same thing: “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” Now he saw what Nile meant when he said their relationship was kind of twisted. They were stuck together on a sinking boat in the middle of a never-ending lake.

Erwin felt Loki shift in his arms to roll over onto her other side. He looked down and noticed her lips were slightly parted. Erwin would never admit it openly, but he actually enjoyed watching Loki sleep even when they were young. He propped his head up on his elbow and watched her. She was curled in on herself against his chest, arms flung out across the rest of the bed. Erwin traced the thick, raised, self-inflicted scars carefully, being sure not to wake her as he explored the anomalies. Her hair was curled around her neck like a scarf or a snake, and her face seemed peaceful as her eyes moved lazily under her eyelids. His eyes wandered across the expanse of her back--or at least what he could see of her back through her threadbare nightdress--delving into the shadowy dips of her vertebrae and up along the peaks of her shoulder blades. They rose and fell with the steady, deep rhythm of her breathing.

Her body was like a furnace. Perhaps the Sun was a better description. She always had been, even when she was emaciated and sickly. No one would expect such a small body to exude such heat. That was always a plus to sleeping in the same bed as Loki. One could never get cold. He carefully pressed his hand against her spine, gently following along the curves it made in her back.

Her face seemed younger and happier when she was asleep too. Her lashes made dancing shadows across her high cheekbones. She had an aquiline nose with a subtle upward tilt that flared with every huff when she was upset. Her slightly parted lips were damp with drool. Loki would never admit it, but she did drool when she took those sedatives. It embarrassed her, but Erwin only found it endearing.

She shifted restlessly, mumbling incoherently in her sleep. Erwin settled in behind her, finally beginning to feel sleep tugging at his consciousness. His eyelids were growing heavier with each time he blinked in the dim light. Sometimes just hugging her would calm Loki back into sleep. He let her roll over and push him onto his back with a hand on his sternum, planting her ear just under his collarbone as she rested her head on him. He folded an arm around her shoulder blades as she snuggled into him, her arm flung across his torso and her leg across his hips. These moments were worth going back outside the walls again. It was worth seeing all the death to protect her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains dubcon smut, prostitution and slight physical abuse.
> 
> Loki: 16  
> Erwin: 21
> 
> AUTHOR's NOTE: In this world I'm saying 16 is the legal age of an adult. I say this because kids can join the military at 12 and usually graduate around 16 or 17. I'm also saying that drinking is allowed at 16 too.

At first, she did it because she needed the extra cash. It was hard trying to live off of a low bakery salary and minimum military wages. Everyone was having a hard time of it because taxes in Wall Maria and Rose were on the rise due to floods along the rivers. Villages were damaged and much of the livestock was wiped out. Loki tried getting another job, but all of them were taken. That's when she met Mordred. He was completely understanding of her situation and offered her a job immediately. He even let her have some of their "product" for free to help her sleep and relax after a hard day of work. She should've known they were reeling her in, but she really did need the money.

The "product" was called Dark Lady. It was made from a mix of minerals, herbs and insect toxins of various strengths. The drug was popular and easily made by amateurs, making it a lucrative business opportunity for those in the underworld. It was being used in all three walls, and it had a very high mortality rate. The King's advisors estimated it killed at least 40 a month. For this reason, the King made the substance illegal, but that only made it more alluring to the public. And once you took that first rock, you couldn't stop.

"How do I look?" Loki asked Anibal, one of the two bouncers, as she sauntered down the elegant stairs of the high-price brothel she was posted in.

"Give it a spin for me."

Loki did as requested, stopping with her thin sleeves falling off her shoulders and her bust clearly visible. Her legs were visible too since the dress had a high/low skirt so buyers could check out the quality of the products. Loki was pretty waifish nowadays though. She sometimes didn't eat for two days at a time, and she was high thirty percent of the time. Sometimes people at the bakery would ask if she needed to sit down or if she was okay. That was usually when she needed her next fix.

"Mmm," the guard purred. "Bring it here, cutie."

They shared a laugh. Especially after Loki mock-stumbled, and Anibal reached out to catch her and palmed her a little something to take the edge off even though she wasn't supposed to be dipping into the product. She had already gotten in trouble twice with Mordred because she was taking more of the drug than she was worth.

"Be good, baby," Loki told him.

Loki sauntered past other women who were sitting with their clients. She swallowed three of the six rocks in the pack and hid the rest in her skirt. She ordered a bottle of wine and put it on her first John’s tab. She didn’t have one yet, but she figured one would show up eventually. As she let the drink soothe her tired nerves, she laid her head back and stroked her cleavage. That usually brought the money pouring in.

Not twenty minutes later, she heard it: "Hey, Loki!"

She looked up slowly, pretending to take her sweet time. It was the boy whose finger she bit off when she was a little kid. Fuck. She was so screwed. Ever since that day he kept his distance, but after a few years he started trying to court her. Loki nearly puked in her mouth at the memory. Or was that the drug? "Hi, Bene," she said quietly.

As the drug was oozing through her system, she felt the room beginning to spin. She groaned and blinked a few times to stop the spinning. Suddenly she was in Bene’s lap, and he was running his hands up and down her legs. She groaned when she felt him trying to undo her corset and managed to get his hands back on her legs.

“Money…first.”

“Whatever you want.”

* * *

 

Loki woke up slowly, her hands scrambling for purchase on her tiny bed made of a mattress on the floor as she lay facing her ugly wood ceiling. The sensations registered in her mind one by one. There were hands tightly gripping her hips, there was a raw soreness in her lower regions as she felt herself being tugged forward and back and she felt puffs of air panted against her cheek. She must've been high when a John picked her out. There was an awful taste of bile in the back of her throat too.

Loki looked at the client's face as he sat on his haunches, still pushing into her. She almost screamed when she saw who it was. It was Bene. That idiot from her childhood that hit Erwin. She looked at the hand that held one of Loki's legs bent back against his chest. There was that awfully mangled stump she left him with. She noticed something else too; he was thrusting lazily into her. She couldn’t remember how he’d gotten her here from where she had been sitting on that couch.

"I see you decided to rejoin me."

The events leading up to that moment came back in flashes; she remembered getting ready for the night and taking the drugs with a bottle of wine that tasted like piss. But wine was wine, and she had desperately needed a good fix. She also remembered Bene coming over to where she was sitting. That's when everything got a bit hazy. All she remembered after sitting in Bene's lap was being bent over her bedside table with Bene entering her from behind. The last thing she remembered was Bene finding her clit and grinding his thumb against it until Loki blacked out. Which brought her to her current position: well and truly fucked.

"Bene," Loki started, gasping as another thrust knocked the air from her lungs. "Shit, stop, I need to...I-"

He leaned forward, bending Loki nearly in half. "I am not finished yet," he whispered darkly. Then he rocked back on his knees, tugging Loki up so her bottom rested on his thighs. He pulled Loki's legs around his waist and started fucking down into her with even more force.

"No, please, I can't," Loki whined, gasping as he hits her clit with an open slap, sending aftershocks of pleasure and pain through her whole body down to her toes. “Please just stop!”

He dragged himself out, and for one grateful moment Loki believed he was actually going to stop. Then he pulled her flush against him once more, leaning forward fully sheathed to lick a line across Loki's cheek. She cringed and turned away. "You don't have to do anything."

"I need to rest," she gasped, trying to twist away. "Please."

"You can rest when I'm finished," he snarled, gripping her hair and hauling her back.

Loki was too tired to fight anymore, so she relaxed into the bed and closed her eyes, trying to block the sensations. Maybe she could fall asleep if she tried hard enough. Bene growled low in his throat, gripping Loki's wrists to drag her vertical and pull her flush against his chest. Loki felt herself sink down on his cock, the new angle allowing him even deeper and choked out a pained gasp. Where were those drugs? She needed them. She saw her dress by the door.

"No more sleeping," Bene demanded, thrusting up into her now, using his strength to bodily lift Loki up and then let gravity drag her back down.

"Then please let me have another fix. Please."

"No, I want you to feel this for days and think of me every single moment. I want you to know just who it is you belong to."

"I know who I belong to," Loki snapped dangerously. She was beginning to become more alive. If he wouldn’t let her take the drugs she sure as fuck wasn’t going to play his game willingly. "I belong to me."

In retaliation for that, Bene impaled her with a brutal thrust. Loki cried out, falling limply against his chest, unable to do anything but hold on. "Say you belong to me," he snarled, grabbing her throat and squeezing.

"I will tell no lie."

"Then call me big brother, or maybe you prefer Erwin?"

Loki paled. How did he…? "Fuck no."

"But it's the truth. You belong to him don't you? You said you wouldn't lie."

"The truth is if you don't get out soon, I'll scream and have the guards kick you out on your ass."

"You wouldn’t like what would happen when I found you," he growled as he flung her on her back again. She yelped and tried to escape, but she was too frail. "I will always find you," he promised.

"Only for as long as I want you to," Loki snarled, wincing now at every thrust. She clawed at his face only to have her bony wrists encased in one thick hand.

"I have wanted this for so long. Now that I have you, I am never letting you go."

"You seem to be under a few misconceptions," Loki snapped, panting between the words as she tried in vain to catch her breath. "I am not your possession; I know very well how you treat your things, dumbass." She cried out as he slammed against her raw opening. "Bene!" she pleaded.

"You know how to end this," he said, stopping for a brief moment. "Call me big brother or Erwin, and I'll finish up." He trailed kisses along Loki's snub nose, undulating his hips just slightly to work himself constantly deeper.

"Fine," she sobbed. "I'm yours, Erwin. I...always have been."

Bene pushed himself in as deep as he could, and Loki gasped as she felt him come inside her. It seemed to go on forever. Loki tried to pull away after Bene released her wrists only to pin her hips to the bed. "Not yet," he whispered. Impossibly, he was still thrusting in short little jerks, working his spend deeper into Loki with each push. She didn't know how long it went on before he finally pulled out.

Loki whimpered and crawled to her dress, hurriedly fishing out the last three rocks and swallowing them whole. Tears clouded her vision as she imagined what Erwin would think if he saw her now. He'd be so fucking disappointed and embarrassed. Sure, she knew she was an embarrassment before, but now she would be disowned completely. He would likely abandon her. Then a hefty coin pouch fell in front of her. It was triple what he owed.

"I'll be back, baby sister," he grinned.

"You're fucking sick,” she sobbed as hot tears that felt like acid dripped from her eyes.

"Maybe, but you belong to me now. You said so yourself."

"I will not be your whore," Loki snarled before Bene kicked her in the jaw. She cried out in surprise as she fell back onto the unforgiving wood floor.

"You will be mine, Loki. I will have you say it and mean it. I don't care how long it takes to convince you."

"Do you think I'll simply allow you to take me whenever you wish?" Loki asked. "Is that how you think this is going to work?"

"I have money. You'll do whatever I command."

"You don't know how to command shit," Loki snarled, spitting blood near his feet. "You are a selfish, arrogant child." Suddenly there was a sharp pain in her temple, and then everything faded into a blissful darkness.

* * *

 

A week later, Bene became Loki's most frequent client. That evening, he wanted to play exhibitionist big brother some ore, but this time he gave her drugs he paid for as a present and some of the good vodka to drink it down with. She was curled up in his lap and stoking his fucked up little ego while he stroked her chest and lower regions. That's when she saw a familiar crop of golden blonde hair. Then she saw the rest of him. It was Erwin, still in his military uniform. His eyes were scanning the room and then his eyes landed on her. Loki watched as every muscle in his body locked, his big eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flared. Oh shit, he was pissed.

Bene looked up when Loki froze in his lap. He grinned and slid his hands on her sides down, cupping her buttocks and squeezing them. The lips kissing her neck were gone, replaced by the sharp bite of teeth, and Loki gasped aloud, eyes fluttering shut. When she opened them again, Erwin's expression had gone dark. Then the hands on Loki slid down to her crotch, rubbing and stroking, and Erwin started crossing the room. He didn't speak, simply throwing a pouch of gold onto the table before them.

"What's this?" Bene asked lazily, looking up as he continued to stroke Loki. She was starting to pant as he pulled her closer to release.

"This is more than what you paid. Enough for you to purchase somebody else. Anybody else."

He snickered, his hand dipping lower. She gasped breathily, arching her back, mouth falling open. Bene offered her another rock and forced it into her mouth, letting her wash it down with his vodka. She moaned as she laid her head on his shoulder and let him please her. “Big brother.”

She thought she heard Erwin choking on air. She wouldn’t be surprised if he just left her in that shithole to die. That’s what she wanted him to do. She was no good for him, and the longer he stayed the more life she’d suck out of him. She was poison. A Dark Lady.

"Mm, she's a good little whore, isn't she? We could always share. I'm sure she'd love that. Two big brothers in one go. She’d be so happy, wouldn’t you sweetie?"

She just groaned.

"The contents of that pouch will compensate you for your troubles, I am sure."

Bene grunted, pulling Loki into one last, sloppy kiss before letting go of her and dropping her to the floor. "Fine."

Loki didn’t get up from where she fell. She could hardly move at all, and she didn’t really want to. What she really wanted was for the ground to swallow her whole so she wouldn’t have to see the disappointment and disgust in Erwin’s eyes. She didn’t think her heart could take seeing that after all this time.

Erwin knelt down and lifted her up into his arms though instead of leaving or kicking her to the curb. She whined as he ran his cold hands over her face and pressed on her old injuries. Bene liked to play rough. She had a healing black eye, a stitched up cut on her cheek, a busted lip and a bruised temple. He started heading for the door when the sharp click of a safety releasing stopped both of them cold. It was unheard of for guns to be outside Wall Sina, even if they were in military hands. Erwin's arms, if anything, tightened down harder on her. Loki opened her eyes, but the room looked fuzzy.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you take your hands off my property and get the fuck out of my business establishment," Mordred purred.

Loki felt every muscle in her body go slack, even the muscles closing her bladder. Erwin nearly dropped her, but she wouldn't have felt it anyway. She felt bile rising up in the back of her throat too. Maybe she took too much again. She was barely able to hear the conversation much less respond to things going around her. She slipped out of his arms, but he caught her head just in time.

"She's my sister, not your property. And, regardless of what you may be insisting, she’s coming with me."

"I can't let that happen, boy. She owes a lot of money."

"Well, I can fix that particular problem."

“No,” Loki managed. “Don’t waste that on me.”

“Shut up,” he snapped.

Loki was laid on a couch in Mordred's office after Erwin carried her in there. She watched mindlessly as he counted out whatever sum of money she was worth to this business. Then Mordred strolled over with his gun still in hand and kissed Loki goodbye with tongue and everything. She had a feeling it was more to spite Erwin than it was for actual caring. Erwin picked her up and said his goodbyes curtly before leaving and heading for home.

Loki hadn't been home in a few days. The house probably looked awful and dusty. Erwin probably thought she was dead. Probably thought he could finally stop worrying about the baggage he had left back home. And she just had to ruin it by leaving that note. Loki felt tears gather in her eyes, and she started crying silently.

When they got inside the house, Erwin found some sort of black powder and forced her to drink it down with water. Loki gagged and as soon as it hit he stomach she started to puke. It was excruciating enough to make her start to cry as the drugs left her system. Some of it had gotten into her bloodstream though, so she was pleasantly fuzzy. Erwin left her there to finish puking and started a bath.

"Whassa matter, jealous?" Loki slurred as he sat her on the ledge of the small bathtub. Her muscle control was still iffy, so he had to hold her up to keep her from falling and hurting herself.

“Loki,” he sighed as he cleaned her face. “What have you done to yourself?”

He stepped forward, undressing her and carefully sitting Loki in the tub filled with warm water. She actually moaned aloud at the sensation. She hadn’t had a bath in a few weeks, and the brothel only gave the high end workers rooms with hot water in them. She still didn't have a full range of motion, and all she could manage was gripping with her fingers and toes.

"’Er ya gunna wash ‘im off meh?" Loki managed, closing her eyes as Erwin knelt by the bathtub, his large hands stroking across Loki's back.

Erwin ignored her. "How long have you been working there?"

"Four months."

She could feel his anger in the way his muscles moved and the way he held her. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself?"

She felt tears coming to her eyes. “You lef me. I didn ‘av no one."

"That’s not true.”

“Then why…are you just now rescuin’ me?” she asked in a moment of brief clarity.

He stayed quiet for a long time. Loki watched as he argued with himself and tried to find a suitable answer. Instead, he just chose to ignore her accusation altogether. That just meant she was right, and he didn’t want to admit it. "You're not going back there. Do you understand me?"

Loki nodded weakly, and by the time she was starting to doze off, she was gloriously clean. The last time she was that clean was at the beginning of the week when she did her work at the bakery. She smelled deliciously of cleanliness from head to toe. Erwin didn’t bother drying her hair; instead, he laid her in bed and crawled in behind her. Loki sighed at the feeling of a comfy mattress, plush pillow and the warm body behind her because she knew that this one would ask for nothing in return. He was her Erwin, and even though he wouldn’t accept it, she loved him more than she could ever love herself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the end of the chapter, Loki will be 20. Erwin will be 25.

After the town shut down for curfew, Loki started packing up her things. She packed all her clothes, and found one of Erwin's old cloaks in his dresser. Sighing, she brought it to her nose and breathed deep. It still smelled like him. She didn't want to do this, but Erwin was giving her no choice. Ever since she nearly overdosed on drugs after her third attempt at quitting, Erwin had been staying at the barracks instead of at home. She found out the old doctor suggested it because she was too dependent on him. She had been found out. What she was doing obviously wasn't working anymore. She wasn't getting his attention this way, so Loki decided she'd have to go to him. The only way to do that was join the military.

She rolled all her things up into a pack and threw it over her shoulder. Before she left, she found a pen and paper. Her writing was shit, and she only knew a few words. Ever the dumbass, eh Loki? Still, she needed to at least give Erwin some idea of where she was at so he wouldn't be worried if he ever came home. Hopefully he'd be able to understand what she was saying even if she couldn't put it in writing. He was pretty smart though; of course he'd know. At the bottom of the paper, she sketched the training crest. For someone with such shitty writing, she had to admit she was pretty good with drawing things. Maybe that was her mind’s way of compensating.

_Go to you._

She left in the shadows and traveled for almost an hour before she found the wagon that was picking up cadets in the next village over. There was a short line of about five being registered and accounted for as they climbed up into the covered wagon. Loki got in line behind a boy of probably twelve and waited until she reached the front of the line. She was definitely one of the older ones there.

"Name and age?"

"Loki Smith, age sixteen."

"Alright, sign here. Looks good, get in. Next!"

* * *

 

The recruits stood at attention in the baking afternoon sun, trying not to pass out from heat stroke and exhaustion. After being given uniforms which they were forced to figure out themselves, they were shown the proper salute and how to stand when at attention. Then they were marched outside and arranged into rows and told to stand at attention until they were given the command to stand down. Within ten minutes, three recruits were already on the ground in crumpled heaps. Others were getting pale and woozy, rocking back and forth on unsteady legs.

Thankfully for Loki, she had endured worse heat when living on the streets. Her body had long ago acclimated to intense heat as well as freezing cold. Loki could hardly remember what her life was like before the day Erwin tackled her in that market. That was the one memory from her childhood that was clear as day.

They waited thirty minutes outside when a man finally came to look them over. He had choppy black hair and a goatee made up of finely groomed black and grey hair. He wasn't wearing the traditional uniform but instead opted for lighter clothing. Typical military asshole. He did have the training emblem on his sleeve, though. Loki eyed him warily as he weaved through their lines as if daring them to move out of his way.

All this time, Loki had kept her hands down. She wasn’t about to risk dying from lack of blood to the brain. Now that he was out here though, she stood at full salute. He didn’t seem to catch her but one of his lackies did. Loki stared at him cautiously.

"Do you know who I am?" the man asked as he started coming down the line towards her. Loki was tensing, sensing a threat.

"Yes sir!" they all yelled.

"Who am I?" the man suddenly screamed.

The girl with glasses and platinum blonde hair standing beside Loki stepped forward and raised her arm. Loki watched the girl out of the corner of her eye. She was twelve, but she was already almost as tall as Loki. "Chief Disash, sir!" she screamed in response.

"Good. Who are you, soldier?!"

"I am Rico Brzenska, sir!"

"What was that?!"

"Rico Brzenska, sir!"

"And you,” the man stood in front of her. “You little disrespectful brat! I saw you bringing up your hands. Explain yourself!”

Everything in her mind screamed danger and threat. The last time someone from the military who wasn't her brother was this close, she got her fingers cut off. Man she could've used a fix right about then. She could practically taste it. Then she thought of Erwin. She needed to get to Erwin. Loki locked her jaw and looked up, meeting the man in the eye with a glare that mirrored his own.

"I am Loki Smith, sir," she snapped. “I chose to put my hands down because I didn’t want to endanger my health. If I am to be of service to the military, I must be in top condition, Sir!”

"I decide when you’re healthy enough, smart ass. Fifty laps around the compound, Smith. For that smart ass tone of yours. That should teach you a healthy dose of respect. The rest of you can do thirty when we’re done here. Apparently Smith thinks you aren’t healthy enough!”

* * *

 

It only took a few weeks to get the hang of the training and all the military officials. She was slowly becoming desensitized to it. She was excellent at the physical training and workouts, but the educational stuff wasn't her cup of tea. At all. At the beginning, she was failing miserably. She got made fun of a lot for not being able to read or write properly, and the professors would do nothing to help her. Rather than risk being kicked out, Loki found a loophole. Technically, drawing was a form of writing, so she began using pictures to get her ideas and thoughts onto paper.

They were currently working on setting up the 3DMG aptitude training stands. Loki was working with a pair of twin boys and another boy much older than her. He was nineteen. That was almost unheard of. All three of them belonged to the same village though. The oldest one’s name was Giovanni. The twins were Lovino and Beppe.

"Get a move on!" Disash called out for the fiftieth time, then turned to one of the twins. "Drill here, here and here. And make sure they're secure. These are pretty important."

"Pretty important," the boy mocked, whipping his bright red hair out of his eyes. He was the younger one, Beppe. “Why can’t they just show us instructions?”

"That'd be too easy," Loki remarked from where she was straddling one of the massive pieces. She hammered in a nail at a marked spot and started hammering in another.

"Why do you say that?" Lovino asked. He was the prettier of the twins. His hair wasn’t so bright red, and he had pretty blue eyes. He also looked more mature even though he acted like a six year old.

"They're keeping us alert at all times. They're trying to keep us guessing so they drive us into full submission."

“Sounds pretty fucked up to me.”

“Shut up, Beppe,” Giovanni snapped.

Lovino stared at her for a while before Loki finally looked up. He looked away quickly, his ponytail swishing behind his head, and went back to his own work beside her. "You're...Loki, right?" he asked without looking up at her.

"Yeah."

"I'm Lovino."

"Uh huh."

Loki sensed that he was trying to start up a conversation, but she wouldn't let him if she had any say in the matter. Conversations led to connections with others, and she wanted none of it. Here they called her Stonewall for her cold shoulder and strong resolve. If only they knew. Sometimes at night, Loki would walk past the fences and sit in the darkness to cry. Sometimes she would scratch her skin raw or bruise her body because she missed her brother and the anxiety was becoming too much to bear. It was like some sick cycle she couldn't break. She couldn't live without him. She was nothing.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I mean, why are you joining the military?"

Loki paused. "Family."

"Ah," he said knowingly. "I get how you feel. Me and my brother are close."

Loki felt a surge of jealousy. Why couldn’t she and her brother be close? "Lovino."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

* * *

 

Loki lay in her bed the night after they finished their zero gravity training. First, they pinned your torso between two bars. Then they pinned your arms and legs into an "X" position. To get moving, the one strapped in had to shift their body. Then they began to spin in all directions. This control required every muscle in the body to be used evenly. It was apparently the only stationary device in use by the military with the ability to move in any direction via counterbalance. The spinning motion gave an addictive feeling of being weightless. Loki was automatically floored. A lot of recruits couldn't handle it and ended up backing out, passing out or puking. They wouldn't be moving forward. That just made it all the more easy for Loki.

She wasn’t beyond sabotage either. If she could get away with it, Loki would put just enough poisonous weed in someone’s food to make them sick when they started training. In class, she’d switch out pages of books to confuse the student and make them fail. She’d do anything to make it through training. If anything, it proved she had more resolve than anyone there.

She looked at the envelope in her hand from Erwin. That word she could recognize almost instantly. Loki waited until everyone was asleep before sneaking over to the boys' barracks and slipping inside. She nearly gagged from the smell, and if she did, no one would hear her with all the snoring and wet dreams going on. She searched each bed until she finally found what she was looking for.

"Lovino," Loki hissed, shaking the blanket cocoon that encased him.

"Mmmmm," he groaned. “Not now, mama. I don’t want to eat gnocchi now.”

"Lovi, get up."

"Five minutes."

Loki frowned and found a way to get Lovino's arm out from under the blanket he wore like a second skin. She bit down hard and covered his mouth when he went to scream. He flailed wildly until he flipped himself onto his back and saw her. When he realized who it was, he tensed up. She made a come hither motion with her pinkie and left quietly, escaping behind one of the empty buildings. Lovino wasn't very far behind. He was staring at her with very red cheeks. Loki just grinned and shoved the letter at him. He knew she couldn't read, so he always read things for her. Especially on tests.

"You woke me up for this?" he grumbled, plopping down on the cold ground. Loki curled up beside him. Pressing her chest into his arm. She knew he liked it, so she was persuading him. "Who's Erwin?"

"My brother."

"Ah, alright.

"To my sister Loki,

"I just recently found your letter on my bed because I just got home. I'm sorry about always being gone, but I'm glad you're venturing out on your own. I sometimes worried you’d never branch out because of me. This will be good for you. If you make it into the top ten, you can live the life you always deserved. Being in the Garrison would be a good place too. I hear they have god housing.

"I miss you, Loki. I miss you more than I want to admit, and I'm sorry for that. Isn't that typical for me? To be so shut off and private? Maria told me that when we were seeing each other. I'm seeing a new girl now named Cerin; she's one of the medics in the Regiment, and she's amazingly talented. I told her about you, you know. She wants to meet you. I really like this girl, Loki. She may be the one. I think you’d get along well with her.

"I heard from Dr. Angehlescu that you haven't relapsed yet. He says he makes sure you keep in touch with him. I'm glad. Dad would be proud. Try to stay strong, and I'm sure you'll make it through your training. You're tough, a lot tougher than some of my peers. You’re probably tougher than me.

"Your brother, Erwin."

Loki was silent for a while, thinking over what Erwin had written. It was so bloody typical of him to act like everything was okay when it most definitely wasn't. Why couldn't he just come out and say it?! Why couldn’t he say, _Loki, I know you love me, but I don’t love you in that way so how about you piss off and we’ll play nice_?! She snatched the paper from Lovino, crumpled it up and tossed it past the fence into the darkness. She pulled her legs into her chest and glared at her knees as if they were Erwin.

"Uh...Loki? You want to write him back?"

"No, what good would that do me?" she grumbled. “It would just hurt me more.”

They were quiet for a while. "Okay, well I'm going back to-" he stopped. "Loki? Loki, why are you crying?"

Loki knew what was going on now. She got why she never heard from him and why he never came home. He didn't love her. He didn't need her anymore. She sobbed into her knees and started shaking. She wanted to be high. No, she wanted to overdose. She wanted to die. Control. She needed control. Loki started punching herself in the gut. That didn’t work. She started banging her head against the back of the building. Not enough. Suddenly, she felt someone holding her. Lovi. Loki snapped out of her episode and realized she had been crying and screaming. He was holding her as she wept into his chest and clung to his night shirt.

“Shhhh, that’s right. You’re okay. You’re okay. I won’t leave you. I promise. Shhhh.”

When Loki had calmed down somewhat, Lovino pulled her into his lap. "I-I didn't want...want to come here. Y'know? I-I'm here because...it's nothing." Loki exhaled shakily. "Thank you for doing this. I know I'm crazy and fucked up, but-"

Lovino leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips. Loki pulled away instinctively since it was rather out of the norm then began returning the kiss with equal gentleness. He was giving her attention, love and affection. That was something she hadn’t felt in so long. She placed her hands on his shoulders, and pulled him closer to her. He leaned in closer to deepen the kiss, though he couldn't quite complete it fully. Loki let out a loud, mournful cry; she could feel her barriers dropping, and felt exposed and it hurt.

"It's alright, Lo," Lovino whispered. “I’m here.”

Her sobs came out in droves, but that didn't hinder her. She forced through them. Her lips crushed into his in a manner that one could almost consider eloquent, and trailed her tongue across his lips as if asking permission to enter which he obliged. Lovino would, every so often, bring his hands up to her face to wipe the tears away, though more would replace the ones lost. After a while, his lips moved to her neck, where they did nothing more than plant small kisses.

Loki gripped his right hand, and guided it along the hem of her pajama shirt, purposely allowing the tips of his fingers to touch her skin. She could feel him shudder. He gasped and started to study her skin, every curve, every breath. He didn't rush to her breasts like her clients would back when she worked in the brothel. He planted a few more kisses to her neck before returning to her lips, his right hand trailing slowly up her side to reach her breast, his left hand just holding her close to him. Her hands managed to slip beneath his shirt to rest against the small of his back. He was so warm; it had been so long since she allowed someone to get so close. It felt so good.

Lovino lifted the thin material of her shirt and pants off of her, and she immediately shivered at the cold air against her skin. He took in a breath as he studied her, admiring every small detail and accepting every blemish and scar. Her skin was a pale in contrast to her ruddy hair. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, tightly, their chests pressed against each other. Loki was the one to press her lips to Lovino's.

He let out a small squeak of surprise, and followed it with a small nip at her lower lip. A light moan escaped her lips. He smiled against her, his hands trailing from her back down to her hips, and even lower still. Her hands explored his body, feeling every muscle he'd acquired, though not without her nails dragging across his skin to leave marks in their wake. Another moan flooded the air, though this time from Lovino's throat. He gripped her backside and lifted her onto his lap so that she was straddling him. She bit her lip when she felt his hardness against her.

Lovino looked at her for a long while, before kissing her neck again. Loki's left hand drew towards the center of his pants and the hard organ inside them. She quavered but steadied herself enough to allow the tips of her fingers to brush against the fabric. The light touch was enough to send a rather heavy shiver through Lovino's entire body and elicit a moan. Surely he wasn’t a virgin? Did he really like her that much?

"L-Loki."

She smirked at his reaction.

Their breathing became heavy, and his lips dipped from her own down to her chest. His tongue swirled lightly around one of her nipples, his spare hand reaching up to play with the other. Loki drew in a sharp breath and clutched his shoulders for support. His face turned bright red when she fully removed all her clothing.

"You're beautiful. So beautiful. The Goddesses pale in comparison."

Loki ignored him and gripped his pants, pulling them down slowly. After she removed his pants, she studied his length, making him turn his face in embarrassment. She pulled him in close, and wrapped her legs around his waist. She pressed her lips against his and lapped at his teeth. The two shuddered when their lower bodies touched. Loki lifted herself slightly off of Lovino's lap to position herself above his cock. She took in a deep breath and held it as she lowered herself. Lovino tightened his arms around her to support her.

"D-does it hurt?" he asked softly.

"No," she moaned, arching her back. “It’s amazing.” It had been so long since she actually enjoyed sex.

Lovino didn't move for another few seconds, just to be sure, but when he did move he elicited a sigh from Loki. He smiled and pressed his lips to her throat while she ran her hands along his back.

He enjoyed saying her name, and each time he did he'd thrust his hips upward causing moans from Loki, and they grew louder each time. It wasn't long until Loki's inner heat overflowed and she, without muffling herself at all, screamed into the night. Lovino quickly shoved her off of him as he came, a sequence of moans ripped from his throat, spilling his seed onto the ground rather than on or in Loki. The two came down from their highs one after the other. They didn't wait for their breathing to become stable before holding each other, consoling one another.

“Loki, I…”

“Don’t say it Lovi…not right now. I’m not ready.”

“That’s okay. I can wait.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

 

"Dammit, Erwin, when I tell you I can handle myself, I mean it!" Loki snapped as she roughly saddled her horse.

Loki’s horse was a massive black horse. In fact, he was one of the bulkier breeds. He was a mixed breed of the military bred Arabian and a Clydsdale. He had all the speed, but he was also pretty big. When Loki went out on the lot, she had been looking at a nice purebred Arabian, but then she saw her horse. He was the wildest, most unruly horse on the lot. She wanted him instantly. The sellers said he was the horse of a Survey Corps member who didn’t return. He had given it to his wife to sell to keep herself above ground. That was just what she needed.

They didn’t get along well for the first month or so. One day though, Loki had enough and punched him in the neck. When he backed up, she clamped her teeth down on his ear. After that, he was one of the tamest horses in the stables. Hell, he was even tolerant of that stray dog that came around looking for a free meal. The only problem was that she called him Dipshit so much that he actually thought that was his name.

"I know that." Erwin was pissed too, angry at the choice she made to join the Survey Corps.

She was in the lower bracket of the top 10. She might've been number 3 if she actually tried to do her vest. She wanted to avoid the top 10 so the Military Police wouldn't even be an option for Erwin to consider while he watched from the side. Apparently her supervisors saw something they liked. Loki hadn't been paying attention, but she thought they said she was seventh. Or was it ninth? Erwin had apparently asked his superiors if he could come along, so perhaps he heard. She’d have to ask later. Loki nearly busted out laughing at the look on his face when she chose to join the Survey Corps.

"Then why don't you trust me?!" she practically screamed as she chucked her pack onto the horse’s back and started strapping it on.

"I do trust you. I trusted you not to do something-"

"Something what? Come on, say it!" Go ahead and call her stupid. She'd beat him black and blue. She got the highest grades in hand-to-hand combat.

"Something stupid."

"Ass," she snapped darkly. Tha was one thing she couldn’t stand being seen as. Stupid. She hated that when it came down to it, she couldn't hit him. Even if she wanted to. "I don't need rescuing, dumbass!"

Loki could see him fighting for self-control. She always knew what buttons to push to get him to yell, to give in to that anger that lay deep in hiding. Fighting with Loki got to him in a way that nothing else did; it broke through his calm, twisted up his insides and made him say things he didn't really mean. She loved it.

"Killing Titans is nothing like what you trained for, Loki."

She looked up at him at that, her ire flaring. "How can you know? How could you fucking know if I could or couldn't?!"

"Because by then, you'll be dead!" He roared, making her flinch. He tensed and clenched his fists before speaking quietly. "And I'll be alone."

"You'll have Cerin, won't you?" she asked as she checked her horse’s feet.

"Cerin died. She was...she sacrificed herself to save me."

She deflated a little at that and dropped her head. Fuck. She may have hated the bitch, but she didn't want that. She would have preferred her having her face melted off with acid. She scrubbed her eyes, looked up at him, even started to speak a few times, but thought better of it.

"I can take them,” she said finally.

"I'm not going to argue with you about this anymore, Loki. I know you're trying to rile me."

"Yes you are, Erwin. Did you see my grades for ingenuity? Did you see how I adapted my 3DMG equipment so I could pull it off with three fingers? Did you see my flexibility scores? What about my medical skills? Did oyu see those? Did you see that my horse meets all of the requirements of the Survey Corps? He cost me more than you’d ever dream.”

“How much?”

“Fifty thousand gold coins. That’s beside the point though. Tell me that if I was anyone else, you would still make this big fuss."

Erwin was silent. "What do you want me to say? I'm biased? Of course I'm biased. You're my sister, not anyone else."

"Tell me," she said, still staring at him with a dark expression.

He exhaled, tried to deflect the question. "Loki-"

"No. I want to hear you say it."

"No, I wouldn't. I'd probably try to recruit you."

Loki mounted her horse, nearly doing the splits because of his width.

"Loki?" he called after her, but she firmly ignored him. He hated being ignored. If Erwin Smith had any single pet peeve, it was being given the silent treatment. If he was determined to finish this, he'd have to follow her. "Loki!" he snapped as he and his mare caught up.

"What?!" she barked.

"Loki, I know you can handle yourself. Shit, you can kick my ass any day of the week." She grinned a little at that, just a twitch at the corner of her mouth. "But I don't want you hurt."

"You're too late for that one, Erwin.”

* * *

 

"Loki! Loki, wait!" Erwin and Loki stopped their horses as a boy with dark red hair and blue eyes came riding up on a quarter horse. "I heard you joined the Scouting Legion."

Loki looked over at Erwin. He almost did a double take. Was she blushing? Loki never blushed. Ever. She dismounted as did the boy. Was Loki in a relationship? Why didn't she tell him? Erwin was pretty sure he deserved to know who Loki saw. He was actually pretty sure he had a say in who she saw. She was his little sister after all. He needed to keep her safe. He listened closely while pretending to stroke and talk to his mare.

"Uhm...yeah I did actually," Loki mumbled, looking at him solemnly. "I heard you joined the Garrisson."

"Yeah. I did. So did Beppe.”

“Good.”

“Hey, I really like you, Loki. No, that’s a lie…I-I love you."

Erwin nearly came off of his horse when he heard that. He had some nerve saying that in front of him. Something strange slowly seethed and bubbled within him, saturating his brain as he stared at the two of them.

"I know," she said, kissing him briefly. "But I have to do this.”

“Can’t you say it?”

“I…I do love you, Lovino, but I won’t change my mind for something like love. That’s what got me into this fucked up mess. Come find me sometime."

The brat actually pulled her into a kiss that time. Erwin clenched his jaw and burned daggers into the back of Loki’s head. Was this just another attempt to get his attention? If it was, she was actually doing something right. "Be safe,” he whispered after pulling away.

"I will."

Erwin watched as Loki mounted and followed as she kicked her horse into a slow walk. "Who was that?"

"A friend."

"You kiss all of your friends like that?"

"Why? Jealous?"

Erwin blushed. “No, you’re my sister. I just…I’m worried about you.”

Loki’s grin was almost scary. Erwin was immediately reminded of a titan’s mouth. Dangerous and filled with teeth. “Good to hear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE: I in no way condone animal abuse, but this is actually based on what my great grandfather would do when he bought wild horses. He’d beat them as a warning and then he’d bite them on the ear.


	11. Chapter 11

The air outside the Walls had a certain crisp flavor, and Loki decided she liked it. She relaxed in her saddle as the Corps pushed forward past Wall Maria and out into the world. Everyone seemed so tense, but Loki had never felt so calm. The danger hadn't amounted to much yet, and she was confident in her ability to keep herself alive. Erwin obviously wasn't. He somehow managed to get her closer to him in the cluster of troops. They stayed in tight formation with only a few feet between each row of soldiers. Erwin was three horses away from her.

On this outing, they were trying to see if they could get farther than they had on the previous expedition which Loki hadn’t been on. Loki looked at the others close to her. Most of them were first timers except for three. One called himself Mike Zacharius and the other two never introduced themselves. One of them looked a lot like one of Erwin's schoolmates though. From what Erwin told her, he had convinced most of his training squad to join the Survey Corps. Apparently they all died.

A cool breeze that smelled like rain swept across her face. Loki looked for the source and found the dark clouds coming in from the East hills. If they wanted to beat the storm back to the Wall, they'd have to turn around soon.

Commander Shadis called out form the front. "We're moving forward at a walk to give the horses a break."

"We should be heading back," Loki frowned. "Fighting titans in a storm is suicide."

"This isn't like training, Loki. You have to obey orders without question." Erwin rode beside her.

“How did you get over here?”

“Don’t change the subject. That attitude of yours won't get you anywhere."

"Says you."

Erwin sighed. “Why do you always have to fight me like this?”

“It’s fun,” she shrugged.

They rode in silence for a long while, the storm gaining on them with every step they took further from the Wall. If they were forced to stay out in the open during a storm, they would all be dead, and it would take at least an hour to get back to the Wall from where they were if they turned at that moment. If the rain started, it'd be even more difficult to get to the Walls because of the lack of visibility. They'd be picked off one by one. When Loki saw her horses ears pin to his head, she stopped.

"Cadet?"

"Titans."

"Wh-"

"Titan hordes incoming at one-"

Loki looked towards the sound of the voice at the front of the group. Then she saw the huge hand sweep down like the hand of a god, taking two soldiers up and out of sight. Everyone went rigid as they heard the screams. Loki watched in shock as the giant humanoid she'd only seen in drawings began gnawing on the necks of the two soldiers. Fear raced up her spine, but there was something else there too. Something deeper. Like...awe.

Formation was broken instantly into chaos. One of them had a massive head, another was on all fours, while another's nose completely dominated its face. Loki heard the word retreat but didn't move. She didn't see them as a threat as long as they were eating someone else and she had an eye on them. Suddenly Erwin had a grip on her horse's reins and turned it at a gallop. Loki nearly fell off as she scrambled to right herself and tighten her grip on the reins. Falling off her horse out here would be a death sentence. When Loki and Erwin finally managed to catch up to the group, they saw the Titan herd coming in from the side. They were nearly surrounded. Some of them were running towards them. They were so fast.

"I fucking knew this would happen," she growled.

"Not now!" Erwin snapped, pulling rank just with the tone of his voice. He wasn’t playing around now that the enemy was in sight.

Loki went into soldier mode then and clenched her teeth together. She looked over her shoulder and frowned. Could they honestly outrun an entire Titan herd? Not without a few dirty tricks. As if to answer her, one of the far Titans with arms that dragged behind its body was suddenly barreling head-first towards the back section. Their section.

"Move!" Erwin boomed, jerking on the reigns of his horse.

Loki did the same. They split apart just in time for the Titan to land on the space they'd just occupied, taking a soldier and horse down with them. The impact caused a massive shockwave to rattle them all down to the bone. The dirt, grass, and rocks beneath ruptured and turned to rubble. She was still trying to regain control of her horse when the Titan slapped its giant hands on the ground on either side of her, reaching for her.

Then the zing of metal wire sounded above her head. Loki craned her neck just as Erwin and several other soldiers flew overhead to begin an offensive maneuver. Loki turned in her saddle so she was riding backwards and fired herself up into the trees. A fellow newbie was slammed into a Titan hand just beside her. She couldn't think about that now. She set her eyes on the nearest titan, an unimpressive four-meter class and changed her trajectory. She eased up on the left throttle with her left ring finger, making her swing wide to the right and up. She tightened her backwards grip on her blades and began a free fall above the Titan until her blades connected with the nape. It was her first kill.

She couldn't dwell on it though. She picked out another and went for it using the same technique before her mind could start screwing with her results. She was nothing. She was a machine. This was her only purpose. She was dead and cold already. Death was nothing but the next adventure. It was a mantra she repeated over and over again like clockwork. She couldn't allow herself to believe anything else. If she did, she would start acting like the others. Emotion would get to her, and then she’d be just as dead as the rest of them. She had to prove Erwin wrong. She could hold her own.

She lost count of how many Titans she encountered. When she stopped for a breather, she allowed herself to think. It was like she had slept through it all. She remembered almost none of it. Allowing herself to think was probably her biggest mistake though. A felled Titan collapsed into her tree, and Loki was shaken from the branch. Loki only had time to brace when she fell onto mushy Titan flesh that felt hotter than fire. Loki rolled the rest of the way down to the grass with a grunt. One of the titans nearby lumbered dumbly towards her. It was a seven meter class with a bright tuft of orange hair, a hunched back, and webbed toes. It almost looked like Beppe.

Loki barely had time to get to her feet when the hunched Titan swiped at her with a slow, thin hand. She rolled away and came up in a crouch, grimacing at the burn on her cheek where her skin stayed in contact with the Titan's for too long. She could practically feel the blisters rising up from under her skin. Hopefully they’d only be minor.

"Soldier! Get out of there!"

Loki looked over her shoulder just in time to see a second titan's bulbous fingers closing in on her. Instantly, she readied her blades. She sliced the Titan's fingers off with a clean jerk of her body, but the Titan was faster than he looked, Loki barely registered its other hand swooping towards her before Erwin yelled her name. Loki put one hand on top of the other, making a two-pronged windmill. She braced herself for the impact, planning to use the force to propel her up enough to give her 3DM gear a running start.

As soon as the impact came, Loki fired her gear and swung around, grazing a tree as she came in for the kill. She cut through the nape like it was butter, but the strain had done a number on her blades. Loki brought her thumbs up to the loops under the lapels of her jacket and pulled. She could feel the customized string as it tightened on her arms and wrists. The blades fell out and plummeted to the ground just as Loki put in new ones.

Loki went into a free fall, enjoying the feeling it created before squeezing the trigger on her gear. She swung through the trees, past the dying and the ones begging for help. She was drowning out their cries. In her mind, she was nothing again. She was a monster. A machine. An animal. Loki found a target and buried her blades into the thick hide of the Titan's back. She had lost all feeling. Everything was a blur of blood and numbness.

* * *

 

When they called for a full retreat, Loki could hardly feel her limbs. The sun was setting and the rain stung her eyes. Loki and the other medics tended to the sick and the wounded once they made it to a place where they could stop and take count. Loki began using a system. If they were minor, leave them alone. If it was major, make a dot on the forehead with mud. If they were unsalvageable, she put an X the forehead. Her mind was elsewhere though. She was trying to spot Erwin. She needed to see him, take care of him, make sure he was okay.

Instead she had to deal with a fellow graduate. His right leg was bent at an unnatural angle, and his hair was matted with blood. As Loki wiped away the dried blood on his face, she noticed a gash cut into the side of his head. He was unconscious, and a wound on his shoulder was severe. He wouldn't last long if she didn't clog the wound.

"I need tobacco over here!"

"Here," a familiar voice said as he offered a pack. Erwin? Loki noticed the sling and frowned. She wanted to take care of him. What had happened to him? "Loki, here."

"Sorry, zoned out," Loki mumbled as she stuffed the worst wound with the substance. The cadet groaned but didn’t move other than that. "Bandages."

"That's a dangerous thing out here," he said as he handed the drenched strips of cloth to her. Loki snatched them and began covering and sealing each wound. "You're good at this."

"No shit," she grumbled as she waved over someone to load the patient into a cart. “That’s why I graduated, remember? Or do they let just about anyone join?”

Loki moved in front of Erwin and began looking him over. As soon as her skin made contact with his, she wanted to get closer. She wanted to press herself against him. She didn't care if it was stupid or reckless. She loved him. She wanted him to love her too. Loki shook her head. No. Focus! She began feeling his head and then his shoulder. She pulled the clothes away and saw the purplish skin. He had several minor cuts, but nothing else that she could find or treat. She watched the twitching at his collar bones, the strain of the muscles in his neck. Her breathing grew quick and shallow at the sight. She wanted to kiss it.

"Erwin, I love you."

"I know," he said coolly as he pushed her away. "And I love you as a sister, Loki. But we can't show favoritism. I know now that you can keep yourself safe, so I won’t have to worry about you."

Loki felt tears gather in her eyes. He knew what she meant, and he was rejecting her. He was using that same steel mask that he had used at their father's funeral, when he left to join the military, when he saw her in that fucking brothel. Loki nearly screamed. Anything but this. Anything but Erwin abandoning her yet again. They were supposed to be together. Forever.

Loki called for her horse and mounted it when the time came to head back to Wall Maria. She could just barely see it in the rainy distance. Loki looked at the down trodden faces of those around her. They seemed so deflated. Like her, but for an entirely different reason. Then her eyes caught sight of Erwin, and her chest grew hot. Her hands trembled and her vision blurred with tears.

When she finally managed to pull herself out of her thoughts, she was standing in the stables of the Shiganshina headquarters. Loki looked around in surprise. How much time had passed? It was impossible to tell. She noticed Erwin outside the stall, just out of her reach. He was looking at her horse. Oh, he was looking at her.

"What?"

"I said you should get that looked at. We can't lose soldiers to something as minor as infection."

“What are you talking about?”

“That burn. It looks serious.”

"It's fine." Of course, it was just about duty. This was Erwin after all.

"Loki." She suddenly felt a pair of arms wrapping around her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you away like that. I just get into a certain mindset when I’m out there. I was angry that we lost so many, and I was angry that I almost lost you so many times.”

“You did?”

Erwin looked down at her, concerned. “Don’t you remember?”

“No.”

“I shouldn’t have taken out my frustration on you. I apologize.”

Loki turned and clutched at Erwin with all her might. She sobbed into his chest and felt him relax as he rubbed her back. This was the Erwin she remembered. He was the one that comforted her when she was scared and held her when she cried.

Erwin kissed her hair as he spoke. "I've been worried. You had such a despondent look. Like you'd given up. Was it...?"

"No, it wasn't the Titans. I'm more scared of humans than Titans. At least you know what Titans will do. They'll devour. Humans are completely unpredictable."

"Then what-"

"I thought you'd leave me again," she kissed his chest.

"Loki, listen," he sighed. "We aren't little anymore. We need to set up boundaries, try to live our own lives away from each other. That doesn’t mean we can’t be brother and sister though. It’s just....people will get the wrong idea."

"So?"

"Loki...it's wrong. We're siblings."

Loki frowned but sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. Perhaps she was going about this the wrong way. He was always upset when he was with her. Maybe that was the problem. She needed to be happy so she could make him happy. Then he would love her. “Will it make you happy?”

"Yes."

"Okay. For you, I'll do anything."

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”


	12. Chapter 12

In the beginning, Loki could ignore it. Well, sort of. They were just flirting. She didn’t like it, but it was harmless. She knew Erwin would always come back to her in the end. She hoped so at least. Didn't mean she had to like listening to them talk and share food...and give wimpy ass kisses. When Erwin got hurt in that training accident, she was grateful that Thrudr bitch watched over him. Hell, she would've been grateful to a Titan if it meant she didn't have to babysit her demonic big brother. He was very...crotchety when he was in pain. Still, she should've been there to protect him. Should have been the one to catch him when his gear malfunctioned rather than staring in horror from the side of the cliff.

They didn’t talk about it once he got back on his feet. In fact, Erwin seemed to be keeping his distance and staying professional. Either way there wasn’t much to say. What could she have done? Begged him to stay away from that woman? Ridiculous. She could just hear that irritated sigh and see that look of annoyance he often reserved for her. She could hear him now:

_"Loki, you don't get a say in who I care for. So what if I find her attractive?"_

Ah, yes. That she was. One of the few pretty girls in the Corps. Tall and slim and graceful. Blonde hair and innocent green eyes. She'd seen her fight; seen her leap and twirl and fire herself through the air. She looked more like a dancer than a warrior. In those moments, Loki felt short and clumsy and altogether too...not feminine. She watched Erwin stare at her as he ate across from her. Like a man in love. Then Thrudr blushed and put a hand on his wrist.

She hated the sight of her hands on his body. It distracted her from the food in front of her and the new recruit talking to her...well, at her. It made her stomach turn. Still, nothing broke her heart quite as much as the way Erwin looked at that girl, eyes glazed over with something akin to fever. So much love and admiration, like she was some divine being shining her light upon him. Loki honestly hadn’t ever considered the possibility that this might happen. She always thought it would always be the two of them, stealing kisses, laughing together, whispering promises. Even now. She was an idiot of the highest class. She wondered if, next time, Erwin would seek Thrudr instead of Loki in the face of danger.

Always Thrudr was by his side, whispering to him in her strange, soft voice. Loki watched the two of them from afar with clenched fists and a locked jaw. For an instant Thrudr looked up at her. She smiled gently and waved with her spoon, and Loki forced a small smile in return. She didn’t know, of course. Erwin didn't even look and took Thrudr’s hand, pressing a kiss to it. Loki felt like something irreparable had broken inside her.

* * *

 

Loki had never been to the Garrison barracks in Shinganshina before, but she already disliked it. That didn't matter at the moment though because she was on a mission. She was wearing a plain back floor length, revealing chemise under a very tight corset. Her ruddy hair was down around her breasts. She even managed to snag some charcoal to put around her eyes. She made damn well sure she'd get his attention when she found him. When she caught the crop of bright red hair, she grinned.

"L-Loki?" Lovino stuttered. "Is that you?" he asked, trying his hardest not to look at her hard nipples under her hair. It was a good thing his hardest wasn’t enough.

She smiled and hugged him, making sure to press herself directly into his growing bulge. "Lovi, I've missed you. How have you been? Enjoying the life of a soldier?"

He blushed when she put his arms around her waist when he tried to pull back. "I-It's nice. What a-about you?"

"Oh, it's okay. A bit lonely though," she used the pout she learned in the brothel as she spoke.

"Hey, Lovi! Is this a girlfriend you haven't told us about?" said a pair of older men.

"Hey, guys. T-This is Loki. She was in my graduating class. Um, Loki? Where are you taking me?"

"I’m horny."

As soon as they were outside in an abandoned alleyway, Loki's hands were on his chest, white splayed like a splash of paint against his olive skin. His hands settled against her hips, thumbs brushing the soft material of her thin dress.

“Loki,” he breathed, hesitant. “We shouldn’t…”

Loki hushed him with her lips, strangely hot compared to his. She trailed them along the stubbly line of his jaw, teeth nipping a path to his ear lobe. “What's the matter Lovi? You want me, don't you?”

"O-Of course I do, Loki. You know that. I just-"

Loki's was already making quick work of his clothes before pushing him against the wall of the barracks and draping herself over him. "Then fuck me. Like we used to."

He flipped their positions suddenly, forcing her into the wall and burying his face in her neck. "If we do this, I want a relationship."

"Okay."

"Loki," he grumbled. He knew that tone was a blowing off tone. "I'm serious. I really do love you."

Loki looked into his darkened eyes and suddenly had an epiphany. Erwin hadn't liked when she kissed Lovino. Maybe she could make him jealous of her. She smiled and took his face in her hands. "I know," she whispered as she kissed him. “I want that too.”

He groaned and ground his hips forward, pressing in so close that he actually cut off some of her oxygen. His fingers slid down until they were cupping and squeezing her ass through her skirt as she parted her legs for him. She suddenly remembered all those days of working in the brothels, but she didn't have time for that now. No, she needed to shove those nightmares back.

"Goddesses, you're beautiful,” he murmured as he kissed down her neck, almost immediately going to that spot he discovered years ago. “You've never left my thoughts."

Loki gasped. “Please.”

He started fiddling with her dress, trying to figure out whether he should push it up or pull it off altogether. He decided on the first and yanked it up around her waist as she hooked her legs around his bony hips.

“Oh,” he murmured. “You never did like underthings, did you?”

“Fuck no.”

He slid a hand between their entwined bodies and palmed her as his fingers rhythmically rubbed her slit.

“Shit."

“Have you thought about me the same way I’ve thought about you?”

  1. "Yes."



She squirmed against his cock as she attempted to undo those stupid military pants. Now that she thought about it, this would be good practice for when she got with Erwin.

“I can’t even count the times I’ve gotten off thinking about you,” he murmured, licking the shell of her ear and bringing her out of her thoughts of her big brother.

He pulled his hand away and licked her arousal off his fingers, eyes locked on hers before shoving her hands away and hurriedly undoing the fastenings. Loki grinned as his cock was pulled out of his underthings and pressed into her. All of a sudden, she was full. She bit his shoulder and nearly screamed as she saw white. It had been so long since she got any. He braced against the wall behind her head and started up a steady rhythm, kissing her and swallowing her moans like candy. He pulled her to him tighter, groping at her while she ran her nails over his back.

“I missed this,” he whispered.

“More…I need more. Now, Lovino. If you stop, I’ll fucking kill you.”

He obliged with a groan as he increased his speed, fucking her mercilessly while she clung to him. She leaned down and sucked at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, biting down. “Careful…I…can’t have…love bites…oh. The other…ah will ta-ah-alk.”

“We're in a relationship right? Gotta get you...marked up. Oh, shit, Lovi, don’t stop!” she cried, raking her fingers down his back.

He winced and plowed forward even harder, slamming into her with every ounce of strength he had. She could feel the beginnings of her orgasm start in her pelvis, and she arched her back, pressing her arms up above her head into the brick behind her, letting the pleasure wipe every other thought from her mind as she came around him, her head falling back against the wall. All she could see in her mind was Erwin holding her this way. Of him telling her he loved her and had thought of this.


	13. Chapter 13

_You are henceforth invited to_

_the wedding of_

_Loki Smith_

_and_

_Lovino Moscatello_

_At the City Chambers of Briar Glenn_

_On December 1_

_At noon_

* * *

 

Erwin recognized the artwork on the invitation almost immediately. It was definitely Loki's. She was one of the best artists he'd seen. The scene on the invitation was of the tree in the pasture where they grew up. In a nest were two robins while a bluejay sat a few branches up looking at them. He picked up on the underlying message too. Only an idiot wouldn't, and he was no idiot. She was doing this to spite him. He hated to admit it, but it was working. What was she thinking, marrying a man just to get him riled up? It was madness. Loki's exact brand of madness.

Erwin crumpled the invitation in his fist and leaned against the wall where he stood as he went through his mail as he did every day. His face felt flushed against the cool stone, and his stomach churned. She couldn't have been seeing that Lovino brat for more than a few weeks. Not with the way they acted when she left training. So why would that boy consent to such a thing? Unless she was pregnant. Erwin paled at the thought. No, she couldn't be pregnant. He would've noticed the signs long before she did. She was never that attentive. He closed his eyes and banged his head against the wall, squeezing his fist tighter around the invitation without thinking.

The paper tore in his grip, and the sound gave him a sense of barbaric satisfaction. He wished he had a dozen more of the little bastards to turn into confetti to stuff back into the envelope and return. However, Erwin was never one to indulge his instincts. He had learned that people got further if they used charm and guile. As he looked through the rest of his mail, he noticed a letter to him from that Lovino kid. For a moment, he considered ripping it up, but instead he chose to open it. Perhaps it would give him a few clues as to why this farce of a marriage was happening.

_Sergeant Major Erwin Smith,_

_I doubt Loki has explained much of any of this to you, and I doubt she ever will tell you. She's very strange in that way, is she not? She keeps so few secrets from anyone. It's one of the qualities I find endearing about her._

_First, I feel I should explain a bit of our relationship. I doubt you want to hear this, but for the most part we've only had a physical relationship. However, I've always felt there was an emotional tie underneath. After we reconnected after graduation, I proposed. It was, in all honesty, a post coital slip of the tongue. I never honestly thought she would say yes. My first assumption was that she was with child, but that wasn't the case. We waited a week before making it official._

Erwin snorted to himself. Did the boy honestly think that was enough time to properly consider marriage?

_Your sister has told me that you wouldn't likely be very pleased with our engagement, so I felt it necessary to write to you and try to inform you better of the situation. I don't expect you to be accepting, but I want you to know that I can provide for her and truly do care about her._

_Between our two incomes, we were able to buy a home in my hometown with plenty of money to spare for groceries and future family. Loki says the town you grew up in is only twelve miles away. It is ironic, is it not? My family is not at all accepting of our relationship or of Loki in general, but Loki says she prefers it that way. She says she's never had a big family, and she doesn't want to start now. Hopefully I can cure her of that aversion in the coming years._

_Truthfully, there is another reason I wrote to you. Loki refuses to be walked down the aisle because she thinks we're having more than enough people coming already. In truth, we only have thirteen coming and participating altogether including ourselves and the minister! I hope you would be so kind as to walk her down. She would never admit it to anyone, but she thinks the world of you. Her eyes light up when you're mentioned. She would likely protest, but deep down I'm sure she'd be pleased._

_Sincerely,_

_Corporal Lovino Moscatello_

* * *

 

To Loki, this place was not home. It never would be home because it wasn't with Erwin. During the wedding, she had hoped Erwin would stop her...would snatch her away and tell her he loved her so she wouldn't have to go through with this. All he did though was walk her down the aisle and kiss the side of her mouth before wishing her the best. Throughout the wedding, Loki kept glancing at Erwin, waiting for him to jump up and take her away. But he never did. Never would either. That just wasn't Erwin's way, but oh, Loki wished it was. After they were officially named husband and wife, Loki started to cry. Her life was over. She would never be with Erwin now. Everyone accredited it to happiness, but Loki could tell by the look in his eyes that Erwin knew the truth.

Loki walked--or rather, ran--out of the reception hall, into the crisp, cold evening. She still felt like she was crowded and over-warm and gasping for breath, like there was a great weight on her chest. Her military uniform she wore for the ceremony suddenly felt too tight.

Tonight, she just had to get away from the revelry inside. She could still hear that cheery music and the bubbling laughter that ground against her nerves like steel and stone. Every minute was stretched into eternity in her head. She hasn’t had the chance to really relax since that fucking proposal. She was walking through a small garden, making a straight line towards the Walls only a kilometer away. She couldn't stop. If she stopped, she wouldn't be able to stand again.

She wanted to be above self-pity. Didn’t want to be pitied at all, as a matter of fact. But she was pitying herself, which was much worse. She couldn't afford to do that sort of thing. If she got started, she'd never stop. The December air was bitter and cold, making Loki wish she'd brought along a scarf. Her breath was coming out in little white puffs of mist, smelling like booze. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for a thousand years, but she also wanted to crawl out of her own skin and drown in the nearest body of water. She didn't want to think anymore, but her brain just wouldn’t stop.

“He’ll notice you missing, you know?”

Loki turned and saw Erwin wearing the same uniform as her but with a higher ranking insignia. She didn't notice until then that her hands were shaking and not from the cold. From grief, shock. "He's already drunk. It's fine."

"Perhaps he asked me to find you."

"And if he did?" she questioned, looking away.

"I'd take you back to the man you chose."

No words had ever sounded so foul. "And will you?"

"If I must."

Loki locked her jaw and started heading back to the reception hall. She couldn't hear Erwin following her, so she assumed he was going back to the barracks and that slut he'd been fucking for the past week. Oh yes, she knew. She could tell by the way he walked. Loki, on the other hand, had a bloody wedding to finish, and then she had to have sex with a plastered husband that probably wouldn't last more than ten minutes.

* * *

 

It was sad really, in a pathetic sort of way. After getting back to the reception hall, she tried to get herself as drunk as possible within an hour. The only problem was that she'd had much stronger booze before, so this barely impaired her ability to walk. This meant she had to drag Lovino's drunk ass back to their home a mile away. By the time they reached their home’s adjoining stable, she was dog tired and in the mood for nothing more than her bed. Especially after the emotional ride she'd been on. That's where everything got worse. She was only a few steps away from the back door when Lovino jerked her into the pile of spare hay with a goofy grin.

“Lovino?”

“H-Hey...I was thinking. Let's fuck here.”

"Why?"

"So we can say we had a literal 'roll in the hay'. It's kinky, huh?" he snickered.

“Lovi-”

“Come on. We’ll make it quick.”

Loki huffed. "I bet," she snapped under her breath.

"Come on,” he jerked her in for a kiss that made their teeth clack together. Loki tasted blood and jerked away, touching where her lip split. "Let’s be naughty. I’ve spent all day watching you, and I’d love to see the way you ride my mini horse.”

Loki huffed. “We make it quick, Lovi. I mean it. I'm tired."

"I thought you had more stamina than that?"

"Not after dragging your drunk ass home."

He snickered and unzipped and withdrew his cock, stroking it lazily; then he squirmed as he tried to get comfortable. “Hay’s itchy.”

Loki wriggled out of her pants and straddled him, planting her knees on either side of his hips. Since she was drier than a barren wasteland, she spit into her hands and worked them over his shaft. He hardened instantly.

“Why don’t you hop on?” he said, grinning. He put his hands behind his head and stared openly at her tits. “Let’s see those lovelies bounce.”

Loki rolled her eyes. "At least when I was a whore, I got paid for this trash."

She started to ease him in, grimacing as he thrust into her dry core. “That’s it, baby…take it all...good girl,” he murmured. When he was fully sheathed within her, Loki braced her hands on his chest. “Good?”

“I'm not answering that."

Suddenly, Lovino was moaning quite passionately. Loki started squeezing her inner muscles and doing tricks she learned in the brothel to make him finish quicker. Within a few minutes he was coming inside her with a scream she had to cover with her hand. When he was done and through his orgasm, Loki stood and walked into the house, leaving Lovino outside to either sleep or sober the fuck up. She had blood to clean up from in between her legs.


	14. Chapter 14

Loki was headed for Erwin's quarters after the expedition. The halls were growing dark, and Loki was tired of performing autopsies and surgeries all afternoon. She deserved a break. They hadn't even made it to their furthest point from a previous expedition. About two miles out, they were surrounded like a herd of lambs going to the slaughter. They lost half of their new recruits in just ten minutes. They lost another twelve just before and during their retreat. Four were severely wounded. One of those four was Erwin's girlfriend and future fiancée. He intended to ask her in a week. Loki knew this as she cut her open to work on dislodging shrapnel from fallen trees and a wagon. She did the only thing she knew to do.

Loki would never tell anyone what she did to Thrudr while she worked. She would never admit to shoving a piece of shrapnel through one of her phrenic veins and sewing her up without stopping the bleeding. She had her moved to a recovery bed and waited nearby to see if she would die or wake up, using the excuse that she was worried about her brother’s lover. Slowly, she grew pale and clammy and her breathing became rapid and shallow. Then the seizures started. Loki and two medical assistants held her on her side until the seizures stopped. She stopped breathing four minutes later. Loki thought she was going to throw up when she declared her dead. She did throw up when she was dismissed and told to rest.

She couldn’t believe she’d actually killed someone. Sure, she thought about killing her, but she never thought she’d actually do it. When it happened, it was like it wasn’t her that was moving her forceps towards the vein in her path. It didn’t feel like it was her that was sewing her up and having her moved to the post op area. What she did seem to be in control of was sitting by that bed and watching the woman die. Watching how her little “mess up” unfolded before her eyes.

Now she just had to tell Erwin, and she’d be in the clear.

When she found him in his room, there was no one else there. His fists were tight against his sides. His mouth was thin and drawn and his chin was held high. It was dark, but Loki could see shattered glass and torn papers littering the floor. He was standing rigid next to his bunk like a statue. She’d never seen a reaction like this before. Not even when their father died. Loki felt hurt and wondered if he’d feel this way if she got severely wounded. Probably not.

"Erwin. I'm sorry...she didn't make it."

Then finally, finally, as though returning from the depths of his own soul, he spoke. "I see."

"Erwin," Loki shut the door behind her and lit the gas lamp. His fist was bleeding, possibly broken judging by the bruising. She sat him down on his bunk and knelt between his legs, taking his hand and examining it before using a salve from her small bag on his cuts.

"Why is it that we always lose the ones we love first?" he asked quietly. "Why do you think that is?"

His body was quivering. In rage or something else, Loki couldn't tell, but either way, it unnerved her. Erwin was always so neutral and calm in situations like this. This wasn't normal. Loki frowned slightly before kissing his palm. "You still have me."

"That's different. Besides, you'll die eventually too."

Loki scowled. Did he really think so little of her? Was she lower in his mind than that dumb bitch? Suddenly Loki didn’t feel so bad for killing that girl. Loki schooled her emotions just before she was about to smack the ever loving shit out of him. He was grieving and not himself. That was all. Hopefully. If it wasn’t, he’d get over it with time. He had to.

"Her father gave me permission to marry her, Loki. He said I would be a kind and respectable choice for his daughter. His only child. And I couldn't save her."

"She knew the risks that came with the job, Erwin. Be thankful we have her body. Some families will only get body parts. Heads, a leg, genitals, a chunk of skin with a tattoo, a scalp.”

Erwin's eyes came alive then.

He whirled around and grabbed Loki by the throat, shoving her backwards until her back hit the wall. Loki was wide eyed and clutched Erwin's wrist tightly, digging her nails into the skin as she waited for him to either kill her or release her. He balled his hand into a fist and hit her once. Twice. And then he collapsed on the floor in a heap, crying quietly. It was unnerving to see him so vulnerable. Not really knowing what to do, she knelt in front of him and hugged his head to her chest. She expected the old Erwin to sigh and shove her away like usual, but he almost instantly curled into her chest, taking hold of her as if she were life itself.

Without thinking too hard, she began stroking her fingers through his hair like when they were little. She had so deeply longed for this sort of intimacy with him. She hadn’t been able to do it since they’d been living together just before he went to join the military. All she could do was think about being closer to him, being able to lay in bed with him again and sleep wrapped in his warmth. Without really thinking about it, she lifted his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his. He stayed frozen for a moment before pulling her closer and wrapping his hand around the nape of her neck. Then he mumbled something. Thrudr’s name. Loki never thought she'd jump back from Erwin, but she did right then. She jackknifed and stood abruptly.

"L-Loki, I-"

She didn't hear anymore. She was already headed back to the medical area. That was all the break she needed.

\---

Loki spent the whole of the next day in her shared room. It was empty now though which was nice in its own way. They died during the mission. When working in the Survey Corps, one always needed to find a silver lining. Most of the soldiers returned home, but Loki refused to go back just yet. Lovino would ask questions she didn't want to answer, and then he'd try to comfort her and love her. He’d probably want disappointing sex too. Loki wondered curiously if Erwin left. Likely not. He always stayed in the barracks. He would likely be throwing himself into something ridiculous like studying or training. That's how he coped with the things he didn't have the nerve to face.

Sighing, she stood and got dressed into something that wasn't her military uniform. Her uniform was covered in blood and sent to a cleaner. Now she wore a black dress with long sleeves that was more comfortable. All she would do is get breakfast and come back to her room. Maybe after that she'd do something productive. A nap sounded pretty nice too. She walked through the maze of hallways before finding the mess hall. As she suspected, it was mostly barren. The only ones there were the Commander, the Lieutenant Commander, three Captains, Mike Zacharius...and Erwin. Loki nearly tucked tail and ran, but he had already noticed her by the time she spotted him.

With as much grace as she could muster, she walked by and found an apple and a slice of bread in the kitchen before turning to leave. That's when she heard him call to her. He was being quiet enough that the others would think she simply hadn't heard him. Problem was, Erwin knew better. She was always honed in on him. She went back to her room and locked the door, knowing he’d probably follow after her. If anything pissed of Erwin, it was being ignored. He couldn’t stand it.

As soon as she sat at the window to eat, she heard knocking. "Loki?"

Loki rolled her eyes. She really knew him better than he knew himself. Loki stayed silent, watching as her horse grazed.

"Loki, I know you're in there,” he barked before sighing. Then he lowered his voice. “I know you're upset, but can we at least talk about this?"

He wiggled the doorknob and Loki snorted as she took a bite from the crisp but bland apple. They had been picked too early. “Loki, this is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t even know if you’re okay in there. You could have choked for all I know.”

She rolled her eyes but swore when she got apple juice all over her front. Grumbling at the fruit, she pulled the dress off and went searching for something to wear. Honestly, she'd rather be naked, but...wait, she could just go naked. She wasn't sharing a room at the moment.

“I’m counting to three and then I’m coming in there. I’m warning you.”

Loki glanced at her doorknob, making sure it was locked. Honestly, the thought of letting Erwin see her naked was exhilarating, but she wasn't in the mood to see him. Not after the shit he pulled earlier in the week. She heard the sound of a hair pin clicking around her lock as she crossed to her chest and opened it with a grunt, looking for furs to use as a blanket. The first years of her life had made her into an excellent lock picker, and she had tried to teach Erwin. He was, unsurprisingly, hopeless at it, so she knew this was an empty threat.

She huffed and bent further into the chest, trying to lift the furs from underneath. She looked between her legs when her door suddenly flew open. Behind it stood Erwin, red faced from anger and eyes comically wide that his lock picking actually worked. Loki's eyes widened and her pulse skyrocketed. For one, she was thrilled, but she was also still mad at him. Loki wondered to herself if that was what normal people called love. Exasperation and affection altogether at the same time. She stood slowly and turned to face him with a hand on her hip.

“Yes?”

Multiple emotions flickered over Erwin's face for the next few moments before he finally looked down and blushed bright red. “I...Just don’t lock me out anymore," he finally said, turning on his heel and leaving.

Loki stood rooted to the spot with a shit eating grin on her face for a long time. Erwin had looked embarrassed, certainly, and angry as hell. For a brief moment though as he’d stared at her in surprise, another look had flashed in his eyes. Raw lust. She should know; she’d been in the business of lust for two years. She’d had that look herself when she thought of him during sex with Lovino and late at night long after her husband had gone to bed.

“Thrudr my ass.”


	15. Chapter 15

Erwin was in his childhood home, sitting at the table. He could hear movement in the other room and leaned forward to investigate. He was old enough now that if he leaned forward he could see into the sitting area. It was Loki...and she was wearing a see through gown. And Erwin couldn't help but stare at her. He had always been burly while she was more graceful. She still bore the knobby knees of her childhood, and she just barely cleared his shoulder when she wore her uniform boots, but right now, she was barefoot. Her pale, delicate feet floated across the wood floor. He couldn't help but admire the pale glow her skin gave off and the golden light behind her eyes. Then their father walked in and sat in front of him at the table, not seeming to notice his daughter was practically nude.

At dinner, their father's attentions were focused on him and his career. It left Loki unobserved, and she took full advantage of that fact, suckling her fingers while meeting his glances with amorous intent in her eyes. And he wanted it; but he was the older sibling. He would have to say no to her…even when every particle of his being was screaming the opposite. He tried to put it off as he usually did—by trying to push her out of his thoughts with strategy and history texts. Juice from the fruit she ate dribbled down her chin and into her cleavage. Erwin unconsciously licked his lips and followed her fingers as she lapped her fingers clean. He needed to get out. Get away from the temptation. He asked to be excused, but his father was gone and the room was much quieter. Only he and Loki remained at the table.

"You’re not touching your strawberries. Those are pretty rare this time of year," Erwin said nervously, trying to make conversation and derail the moment he knew was coming.

"I'm not hungry for that," she purred as she crawled over the table, curling her hands behind his neck and trying to pull him in for a kiss.

Erwin stiffened. "Stop! Loki, Loki stop. We can't do this, Loki."

She breathed against his jaw, making every muscle in his body go rigid. “I know how long you've wanted me,” she purred into his ear.

"We're brother and sister...it's not right."

"Not by blood," her nails traced the tendons in his neck. "Why let such a stupid thing stop us from what we both want?"

"Because I'm supposed to protect you, keep you safe. Not...not defile you."

Loki kissed his brow before moving to his nose and then his lips. "Say yes, Erwin. You've wanted this for forever. I want it too," she whispered.

Erwin hesitated only for a moment before briefly pecking her lips. Her hand came up to cradle his cheek as they kissed once again. The third time, they didn't even try breaking apart. If her lips weren’t on his she’d probably say something like ‘fuck propriety, get over here’. By then they were almost one. Erwin could hardly discern which limbs belonged to which body. Then he lifted her up onto the table and draped her over the tabletop like an exotic decoration.

"Come on, Erwin. Do it," Loki said petulantly as he stared.

Erwin gasped as his eyes shot open and he felt an immediate, familiar itch under his skin. He was breathing heavily, but thankfully, he hadn't woken up any of his roommates who were rather sound and loud sleepers. He was covered in a sheen of sweat…and he was hard. That dream...what was wrong with him?! Loki was his little sister. He was twisted. So, so twisted. Erwin shut his eyes, trying to block out those images, but it only intensified them. Erwin shuddered as his hand silently slipped into his loose sleeping trousers. He sighed as he lightly stroked the top of his member with the tips of his fingers. His cock began to thicken further under his gentle movements.

A new image flashed through his mind's eye as he began to wrap his hand around himself. Loki had those soft, pink lips wrapped around his member while looking up at him through her lashes, looking for approval. He bit his lip to hold back a groan that threatened to slip out. He slowly began to slide his hand up and down the shaft, enjoying the slight friction he received. Erwin skimmed a finger from base to tip, tracing the vein on his underside as he imagined it being his little sister's tongue. He stroked in long, slow drags of his hand. The sensation was heightened by the calluses he had accumulated on his palm and fingers from many years of weapon wielding.

He slowly began to increase his pace and started a rhythm in which he would twist his wrist around the head and swipe his thumb across the slit. He rubbed the collected precum down his shaft and used it to ease the path of his strokes, imagining it being Loki he was slipping into. He squeezed himself harder with each pass. He furiously ran his hand up and down his manhood as an image entered his mind. Erwin released a muffled groan as he recalled his little sister's entirely naked body. He imagined placing a hand on her back, gently caressing the smooth skin. He knew it was forbidden, but it just felt so damn good. It was wrong how much he'd love to hear Loki's beautiful voice as she moaned and gasped under his touch. Called his name. He imagined pushing into her for the first time. Loki would clench down on him so wonderfully and provide the most delicious friction. The most beautiful flush would form on her neck and chest, and she would writhe under Erwin's hands.

By now, Erwin was thrusting his hips up into his hand, desperately chasing his completion. He finally went over the edge at the thought of Loki's face as she came with his name on her swollen lips. He groaned softly as his orgasm washed over him. He spent the next few minutes catching his breath and enjoying the post-orgasmic haze he was in before reality set in. He just thought of having sex with his own sister.

He was disgusting.

* * *

 

“I want you to be rough with me,” Loki said casually as she straddled her husband's lap, licking and nipping at his ear where she knew it was most sensitive. She was playing him like a fucking instrument. “I want you to scream at me and use me and not stop no matter what I say. I want you to be cruel. I want you to make me suffer.”

“Dear God, why?” Lovino asked, looking horrified and pale. “I would never hurt anyone like that, least of all you.”

“I know,” Loki snapped waspishly. “It's just a game. I pretend to struggle and hate it, and you pretend you don't give a shit.”

“But I love you. After all that you've been through...why would you want that when we have love? Isn't that better?”

“Because I want it,” Loki said, inwardly slapping Lovino's worried look off his face.

Of course he wouldn't understand. He would never understand...but Erwin would. He'd get it because he got her and what made her tick. Lovino on the other hand was so starry-eyed that anything other than pure, innocent, vanilla love was a foul sin. Probably because of his fat ass mother. It made Loki sick. His devotion was so complete, so unwavering that she often felt like she was drowning in it. She hated it, hated herself for hating it, hated Erwin for doing this to her and hated most of all Lovino's gentle love when she knew she didn't deserve it.

“I am sick of you being gentle with me,” Loki rolled her eyes. “It's okay to try new things, you know? You always think I'm so fucking weak and feeble and-”

“Loki!” Lovino interrupted, perturbed. “This is an old argument. You know I don't think that about you; I like to treat you like a Goddess. I just want to know why you'd ask this of me.”

“I want to hear the worst you have to say about me,” Loki started, struggling not to lie to make it easier for her own sake. “I need you to punish me for what I do...what I am. I need the worst of you, so I can believe you when you say you love me.”

She needed to do something with the hate and fear that roiled within, that lurked heavy and dark on the small amount of love she actually did have for Lovino. She couldn't be free of it, and so she had to use it, have it lanced like a boil, lest it poison her and turn her into something awful. Like that part of her that rejoiced when Thrudr died under her hand. Loki shuddered inwardly as she recalled the sensation.

“I don't want to hurt you...or be cruel to you,” Lovino said slowly, looking uncertain. “But if this is what you want-”

“It is,” Loki snapped, hating him for being careful, for being good and noble and kind, but most of all for making Loki explain it to him.

“I don't want to truly take you against your will, so we need some word, some sign to exchange...just in case you don’t want to keep going.”

Loki snorted. “Dear, dear Lovi, I don’t know if you realize this, but I was a whore once. There’s nothing you could do that could hurt worse than-“

“Loki.”

She sighed. “Fine, fine.”

"What would you like the word to be?”

"Disassociation."

Lovino nodded as his expression grew stern.

If she looked at him from her peripheral vision, she could almost see Erwin's facial expression there instead of Lovino’s. He tightened his grip on Loki’s shoulder and pulled her forward without another word. Loki fought him purely for the joy of it, spitting curses and every foul insult she could imagine, but to no avail as Lovino simply clamped his free hand over Loki’s mouth and bodily dragged her from where they sat in the front area to the bedroom. He shoved Loki inside and slammed the door shut behind them, letting the lock drop into place as Loki righted herself and turned on him.

“You-” Loki started, but Lovino was on her in a heartbeat, hand once again clamped tight over her mouth.

“Shut up,” Lovino snarled, low and threatening. “For once in your life just shut up.”

Loki’s heart sang. Erwin had said something akin to that to her once before.

“I shower you with love and affection, and this is the thanks I get? I ought to beat some sense into you.”

“Better men and beasts have tried,” Loki grinned as she managed to fight off his hand from her mouth. “I'm not afraid of you, baby."

“You should be,” he growled darkly and took a step forward, crowding Loki back. “I know what you really want, Loki. I know what you deserve.”

Loki flinched slightly, wondering if he knew she was thinking of Erwin throughout all of this. She didn't realize she turned her face aside until Lovino grabbed her jaw and forced her to meet his eyes.

“You’re only here because I want you here,” he said, face twisted in anger. “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be strung out in some whorehouse. I bet even Erwin wouldn't have saved you then. Everything you have comes from me. And you dare treat me with such disrespect? You should be on your knees worshipping me.”

Loki made a small involuntary noise, tears pricking at her eyes, because it was true…and she knew it. It would break her to truly fall from Erwin's favor, for without him, she would be nothing. She knew this and hated it and would never, ever admit any of it.

“Not in this life,” she hissed, blinking away the tears and managing to somehow force them back.

“Then I will make you,” he snarled, grabbing Loki by the throat and pushing her down into the bed.

It had been an age since they last sparred, and Loki had forgotten how strong Lovino was despite his lanky build. She bucked and kicked and lashed out blindly, not holding anything back and reveling in the freedom she had to take her anger and frustration out on her husband-only-in-name's larger frame. But Lovino simply soaked up her attacks and forced her down, muscles bulging as he manhandled her. Loki realized it was far too easy for him to roll her over and pin her face down to the mattress, and Loki howled in fury as Lovino settled over her smaller frame and yanked the shirt that she wore to bed up, revealing her cunt to him.

There was a whisper of fabric dropping as Lovino removed his night pants and let them fall to the floor at his feet. He leaned over Loki and ground against her exposed ass, his cock sliding along the crease, and Loki spat obscenities at him until he growled in warning, the head of his cock bumping against her sopping wet opening.

“No,” Loki struggled furiously. "You wouldn’t dare.”

Lovino hesitated, and Loki nearly screamed in frustration. She could feel the worry building up in him. Huffing, she twisted her face over her shoulder so she could lock eyes with Lovi to give him a curt nod. Lovino nodded back and shoved her face into the quilt and yanked her legs apart to better expose her. He jammed his fingers in her mouth and she groaned as he shoved himself in. Loki screamed, always the vocalist, loving the feeling that was more addictive than any drug.

And her partner gave her no mercy, but instead slid out and pounded back in. Loki howled as she curled her tongue around his long fingers, trying to arch against his body but barely able to move. Her cunt was aching and dripping wet.

“You love this,” Lovino snarled as he fucked into her, brutal thrusts pushing Loki across the bed. “Being used like this. This is all you're good for: taking me and moaning like a dog in heat.”

If it weren't for the fingers in her mouth, Loki would've been quite appalled at what she moaned. All of a sudden, her brother's name was being screamed unintelligibly around her husband’s fingers. God, what she wouldn’t give to feel those hipbones digging into her ass. She gave herself over to loud sobs and let the tears cascade down her face as Lovino fucked her like an animal, taking his pleasure heedless of her cries. He was wrecking her, and she welcomed it. He wound a hand tightly in her hair and jerked her head back, forcing her chin up, and the extra fragment of pain made Loki moan in delight.

“That’s it,” he cooed. “Take it, take it all, let me hear how much you love it.”

Loki obliged by wailing, a mixture of great, racking sobs and frenzied shrieks as Lovino pounded into her, and it was so intense that Loki could feel her orgasm rising already, her body clenching as the coil of pleasure wound ever tighter and her wailing reached fever pitch. Usually it was Lovino to reach climax first, but this time it was her surprisingly. Loki usually had a lot more stamina. Then she groaned as she shattered and came, the sheer physical release shaking through her.

That seemed to have loosened the last of Lovino's restraint. He was raggedly panting, moving his hands to cradle her instead of pin her. Loki could do nothing but lay there, spent and blissful for the first time since she'd gotten married three months ago. He pulled out and immediately began kissing every part of her and saying sorry. Loki felt her high lessening and her irritation rising once again. All she could think of as she went to sleep was Erwin. She could almost taste his lips still pushed against hers. Could nearly feel his tears dampen her cheek. All she could think was that Erwin wouldn't have apologized. He would've showered her in silent affection and held her. All Lovino did was make her feel dirty again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki: 23  
> Erwin: 28

They both moved lightly on their feet as they circled each other strategically. Loki made the first move, grunting and rushing towards Erwin. She leapt into the air with an agile forward kick to the chest with the blunt edge of her foot. If he had been startled by her sudden burst of life, he didn't let it throw him off too much. He brought up his defenses in time to block the kick with his forearm. Loki didn't let the collision go without a point, however, and managed to plant a solid hit on his shoulder with the butt of her hand as she brought her foot down. As the two broke apart, she barely dodged a sidekick.

Loki was surprised she actually dodged that one. All day she'd been feeling dizzy and nauseous. It was throwing her off her game. Loki berated herself for her sloppy form and remained in a crouch. There was one benefit to sparring with Erwin. He was a man of large mass, making him more powerful but less agile and slower because of his bulk. Loki was small and lithe, but she lacked the packed in muscle Erwin possessed, making hand-to-hand combat her forte.

Taking a second to regroup, she approached him and executed a left roundhouse which he blocked at the hip. That was one thing Loki's size did against her. Compared to Erwin she was a midget. She was the shortest member of the legion, making her kicks essentially ineffective. Didn't mean she couldn't try though. While she was rotating, Erwin gripped her ankle and landed a firm, right-handed punch to her ribs. Fuck, there was that brute strength. She stumbled back from the force of the impact upon regaining her footing. They nodded subtly to each other to continue. The two came at each other again, each demonstrating expertise not only in their striking, but also in their ability to predict and dodge.

To an outside observer, there were times when the movements may have appeared choreographed with all of the deflecting and evading. They kept applying pressure relentlessly, striking with expert discipline and force with single sets of attacks and counterattacks being exchanged for full minutes at a time before they would finally break away. Thing was, Loki's nausea was getting worse. If someone looked, they would see that she was slower and less responsive as if her mind were somewhere else. Because it was. She was focusing on not puking her innards out.

Without warning, Erwin attacked with a rapid series of punches, two making contact to her gut and one to her cheek. Fuck, that definitely made it worse. Without hesitation, Loki countered with an elbow to Erwin's ear and a knee to his stomach. The air left his lungs like a deflated balloon.

"Time," Loki said, taking a step back as Erwin doubled over to catch his breath. She took a moment also, panting harshly from the workout and the pain radiating through her stomach. Too much alcohol last night.

"You okay?" Erwin asked breathlessly, his hands resting on his knees.

She nodded. "Are you?"

"Fine," he answered. "Ready to go again?"

Loki grinned wolfishly. "You that eager for a beating?"

He smirked.

This time he seemed determined to not let her get in the first hit because he closed the distance between them rapidly and threw a couple of kicks and punches before one finally hit her hip. He actually got in several hits to her chest too. Suddenly Loki was on the ground and was having a hard time getting up. Erwin was by her trying to talk to her, but she was too busy focusing on the pain in her stomach.

"-we should stop."

"No. No, I’m fine. I can keep going."

* * *

 

Before he knew what was happening, Erwin was staring at the sky, crashing into the ground with a massive thud. In an instant, Loki was on top of him and their sparring match was transformed into a grappling session. He didn't know why she was doing this. She was obviously in pain and had been in such a state all day. Did she think he didn't notice? He almost never made more than four hits and he never got Loki to hit the ground. Besides, grappling was all about grip and strength, two things they both knew she lacked in comparison to him.

They rolled around in the grass, flipping each other around and trading positions frequently. The skin of their arms was slick from perspiration, and even the firmest grip easily slipped. One moment, she had him pinned down in a side-control grip, and then the next, he was grabbing hold of her inner thigh to leverage her off of the ground and flip her onto her back. He pressed her torso against the floor with the weight of his chest as his legs struggled to work their way into a straddling position. He finally managed to get past her defenses and cover the lower half of her body with his own. He straddled her and pinned her arms above her head firmly. He panted lightly and watched as a drop of sweat dove off his nose and splashed onto her forehead.

It struck him then just how stunning his sister truly was. Her lips pinched into a tight and determined grimace and her chest shimmered as it heaved up and down. Staring down at her, his cool, controlled facade slowly faded. His eyes fixed on her mouth as the grimace melted away and her lips parted ever so slightly. It was a beautiful mouth. Now, he found himself fighting a different sort of fight. He couldn’t help but imagine her naked body glimmering with sweat under him. His blood was beginning to rush to an unpleasant place, but thankfully Loki didn't seem to notice. They stared at each other breathlessly, as both of their minds went to a different place.

Suddenly, her eyes widened and she shoved him away. He noticed the way she clutched her abdomen as she ran behind the stables. He knew something was up with her. One part of him said to wait just like he would for any other sparring partner, but another said to go after her. That part was the part making his pants become extremely uncomfortable. Despite his better judgment, he listened to the latter and went after her. He was her brother, he decided. He was right to be worried, but that one part of him was saying he wasn't concerned in a brotherly fashion. Hadn't been for a long time.

* * *

 

Loki dropped to her knees a few feet away from the stables, emptying her stomach out onto the grass. She was too busy trying to stay upright to notice that someone was coming. Then two large hands were on her: one holding her hair out of her face and the other rubbing her back. She looked up and was surprised to see that it was Erwin. Her stomach began to flutter at the gesture she'd been deprived of for so long. Then she threw up some more. As soon as she vacated herself of what seemed to be all her organs, she started to collapse. Erwin caught her and picked her up and started walking.

"This brings back memories," she croaked. "Except back then, you weren't so concerned with appearances. You weren't ashamed to be my brother," she said with a self-depreciating smile. Her stomach started tying itself in knots again, making her groan.

"I'm not ashamed of you, Loki."

"Don't lie to yourself, Erwin. It's unattractive."

He stopped. "I'm serious, Loki. It's just-"

"I know, Erwin. You're afraid people might talk. You don't want to break any rules or social taboos. God forbid straight-laced Erwin do something for himself"

He locked his jaw and started walking again. She hit the nail on the head with that one. He continued walking while Loki lay leisurely in his arms. It had been so long since he held her. So long since she'd been able to nuzzle her face into his neck and breathe in the smell of his skin, listen to his carotid pump blood through his body. She felt Erwin tense up and pick up his pace.

In the infirmary, one of her superiors was there reading a medical text. He had started a new hobby of cataloging herbs that he managed to see outside the walls. Three of the beds were now covered with his precious specimens. He was very picky about those stupid plants. One day, Loki tried to pick one up and he threw a scalpel at her.

"Loki? What happened?"

"It's just a little alcohol sickness. I probably got ahold of some bad vodka."

"I think it's heat sickness," Erwin said as he gingerly sat Loki on the bed. Before he got away, Loki managed to nibble and kiss his neck. That's right, she felt that hard on earlier. She almost burst into a fit of laughter when he jumped back and choked on his own breath. Luckily, the doctor’s back was turned.

"I'm inclined to agree with your brother, young lady,” he said, offering her a glass of water. “Lay back. You can leave now, Corporal."

Loki lay on the bed and started pulling off clothes as her superior, Lieutenant Commander Ermoli Lobachevsky, shooed Erwin out of the room. She was down to her undergarments by the time the old grump sat beside the bed. He started a very rough physical exam which ended with him staring at her privates in what appeared to be worry. Loki was beginning to get a bad feeling. The old man sighed and rubbed his face before checking her chest over as well as her temperature and stomach. He never said a word to her though as usual. All he did was mutter to himself. It was fucking infuriating.

A test tube was shoved at her then. "Piss."

"What?"

"Piss in that."

Loki looked down at the vial and noticed a familiar milky white chemical at the bottom. A pregnancy indicator. No. No, no, no, no, no. Her mouth went dry and she started to feel nauseous again. Pregnant? She couldn't be pregnant. She'd been putting birth control herbs in her coffee to keep herself from getting pregnant. She didn't want to have kids. Especially not with Lovino! It would tie her to him permanently. She did as told and swore when the indicator turned from milky white to dark blue. She was pregnant. Shit.

Shakily, she handed him the vial and sat as she lost all feeling in her legs. "Congratulations, my dear, you're having a baby. You should find a doctor soon."

"I-I can't...I can't have a baby."

"Well you certainly can't get rid of it. The regulation abortion year has already passed."

Every fourth year, the government allowed women to get abortions. At any other time though it was strictly prohibited because it was "a hindrance to the strengthening of mankind." Last year was the only year she could've done anything about it, and she knew no one would risk execution just to sell her illegal herbs.

"I have an old friend I can refer you to. Works in Shiganshina. I'm sure he'd be happy to deliver your child."

"What about expeditions? Duty? Training? I can't just go on leave for nine fucking months."

"Hey! What did I say about your language?”

Loki grumbled under her breath and folded her arms over her chest.

“You'll have to speak with a doctor experienced in these matters."

Shit. How was she going to tell Erwin? If he found out he’d never speak to her again. They had just had such a wonderful moment, and now this baby was going to ruin everything! Erwin would give her one of those charming, fake smiles to placate her. After that, he'd probably find another woman to marry and would leave Loki forever. Loki didn't realize she'd already walked out of the infirmary topless, but she didn't care. She was in shock. With a scream, she punched the stone wall as hard as she could. She felt small bits of rock rip away her skin. Fuck. She was losing control. Her life was over.

* * *

 

“Why are there so many people?” Loki hissed into Lovino's ear.

For some reason, Lovino thought it'd be a good idea to have a dinner party. Loki, of course, disagreed with the whole premise until he said he'd only invite a few people. Turns out his whole family had been invited including Erwin and Mike and some old training buddies. Well, Loki thought, at least she'd be able to tell everyone at once instead of one group at a time. Loki was currently hiding out behind Lovino in the corner.

“Because we don't get together all that often. My family is starting to get the idea that you're avoiding them.”

Loki just barely refrained herself from screaming at him and bashing his head in. That was exactly what she was trying to do! She could hardly tolerate Lovino when they were both off duty at the same time, and that was when it was just the two of them. His family was even worse. The only other family member she could tolerate was his twin son, Beppe who was conveniently on duty. Lucky bastard.

"Loki, darling, would you help-a me set the table, dear?”

Loki flinched. That woman’s voice was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. "Yes, ma'am."

"Dear, I told you before to call-a me mum."

"Yes...mum."

“Lovino, dear, your father wants you to help him with something in the living room."

“I’ll see you at dinner,” Lovino beamed, kissing her on the cheek before hurrying off towards the living room.

“Finally,” the fat old woman started. “You two are inseparable! Every time I want to talk-a to you, I have to pry you away from my boy. I don’t understand how-a you two can act like newlyweds after all this time."

"We both have military careers to attend to. It's very tedious," Loki said as she fished around for matching plates to use for setting the table.

"And that's another thing. You should-a resign before you get killed. You have a duty now to start a family. You're not getting any younger, dear, and your eggs are dying."

Loki was about to use the plate in her hands to knock the woman's head off. How dare she tell Loki to quit the only thing keeping her and Erwin together! Instead, she kept a straight face and pretended to ignore the woman as she prattled on. If this old hag found out she was pregnant, she'd never hear the end of it. What if she'd want to move in? That was out of the question for sure. Perhaps she could arrange for the baby to be born in headquarters. That way Lovino wouldn't be there without a two day ride and that woman wouldn't be permitted to get past the doors.

After another ten minutes, dinner was finally served and ready on the table.

“Come on, everybody, dinner’s getting cold!” the fat old hag announced, calling everyone in for dinner.

All of the men rushed into the dining room like a herd of starved dogs while the women walked behind at a normal, leisurely pace. Those who were invited by Lovino from the Scouts walked even slower. You could always spot them like flies in milk. They liked to observe because that's what they did. In public they observed what normal people acted like. They observed what innocence looked like in the faces of those that had never gone past the walls.

Loki took her seat at the table in between Lovino and her brother. Everybody started digging in while Loki picked at the food Lovino shoveled onto her plate. Dumbass probably thought it was romantic. Loki just thought it was gross. She had no appetite like she usually did, and everything just looked nasty. Then he asked her which wine she wanted. When she said she'd stick to disgusting lukewarm water with fruit rind mixed in for "flavor", he seemed startled. Honestly, she'd rather drink Titan spit than that, but there was no other option.

"You sure you don't want wine? This one is from an old family vineyard."

"I'm fine. I'm not really up for wine tonight."

"Are you feeling sick?" Mike asked from across the table. Loki wanted to strangle the bastard.

"No, Mike, I'm fine. My stomach's just been in knots lately." Perhaps being known for having an alcohol problem wasn't the best thing in the world.

That's when the old hag brought it up again. Even as she opened her mouth, Loki began clutching her knife. Lovino immediately tensed and started rubbing her thigh, as if that would help. It was like man handling a pissed off cat. "It probably hurts because of all those excursions you put yourself through. I mean honestly, a woman's body is-a meant for a gentler way of life. You should just quit and work on starting a family."

Lovino stayed quiet.

Loki was about to spout off, but suddenly there was something warm touching her. Erwin had his hand over hers, rubbing the underside of her wrist with a calloused thumb. "Excuse me, Mrs. Moscatello, if I may speak on the matter?" he asked in that suave, manipulative voice with that stoic mask over his face that got him pretty much anything he wanted.

"I don't-a see why not. You are her brother."

"I'm speaking from a superior's view, actually." Loki flinched when he said that. Every time he did something loving, he just had to shove a wedge in it. "If Loki did leave, the Scouting Legion would be severely handicapped. Her medical expertise is by far one of the greatest in our ranks if not the entire military. Not to mention her skill with the omnidirectional gear."

"Or her Titan kills," Mike added. This would be a first, but she could practically kiss...well, shake hands with Mike right about then.

"It's not-a proper. Tell me, Corporal Smith, who was the last-a woman that was pregnant in your division?"

"There was a woman four years ago that was pregnant."

"And did-a she live?"

"No."

"The baby?"

"No."

"My point is proven. Women shouldn't join the military and be home makers. Lovino, what's your say in this? She is-a your wife after all.”

Loki felt Lovino freeze up, but she didn't look at him. Instead, she started swallowing food, not bothering to savor it since she's probably puke. "Well...it would be nice to have a family, and if we did have children, I would want her to consider retiring."

"Well, I'm not going to. Yes, that's right, I'm pregnant. We're having a fucking family. Yipee!" Loki cheered sarcastically as she wiped her mouth roughly and slammed her napkin on the table. "And I'll have you know that I'll be perfectly fine for at least the first trimester, if not half of the second. And there's nothing you can do to stop me!" she snarled as she marched out the door.

She needed some air before she completely lost it. Her head was pounding and her vision was blurry. Her mind was going through things like a wildfire. Loki screamed and punched the wall before banging her head against a nearby tree. That's it, make it hurt. Pain always helped clear the insanity. But this time was different. This time she only lost more of her control. Fuck, another episode. She distantly felt her nails clawing into the back of her neck, taking thick strips of skin with them in their wake.

* * *

 

Erwin stared at Loki's backside as she marched out, her dress swirling about her feet in a mesmerizing dance. He chided himself for that thought, though it was better than staring at her backside which he struggled _not_ to stare at. As soon as the door slammed, the room was dead silent. When the mother, apparently the hen of the house sans Loki, started to eat again so did everyone else. Including Lovino. Erwin and Mike and the two other gentlemen from the military all seemed perturbed.

"Aren't you going after her?" Erwin asked his brother in-law as he ate another bite of food. "She seemed pretty upset."

Lovino shrugged. "It's better if you just leave her alone. That's what I do."

Erwin nearly dropped his cutlery.

Was this kid insane? Leave Loki alone? To her own devices? That was a bloody disaster waiting to happen. Literally. Loki's decision-making, logical self always checked out when she got upset. She didn't consider the consequences. Sometimes Erwin wondered if she was even able to control herself when she was upset. There was no telling what she could be doing to herself out there. Or to that unborn child.

"I think I'll go check on her. She may open up to me since I'm family," he said before excusing himself.

Erwin walked outside, slowly allowing his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. Then he saw her sitting in the shadow of a tree, banging her head against the trunk. He jogged over and knelt in front of her, trying to assess the situation. He wasn't a medic like Loki, but he knew enough about mental disturbances. He carefully put a hand on her ankle. Her leg automatically swung out at him, but her eyes remained wild and locked on the grass.

"Loki? Loki, can you hear me?"

No response.

Erwin caught her head and pulled it to his chest. She automatically snapped back to reality and started yelling. It was nothing understandable, but he could understand the tone. When she started trying to beat her stomach, Erwin sat behind her and pinned her body against him. It wasn't the first time he'd seen Loki have an episode like this one, but it had been so long since it had happened. Not since he was in training. After struggling for a bit she finally calmed down enough for him to relax his hold. Her head rolled back to reveal a tear-stained face. Her eyes were glassy as they met his.

"It happened again, didn’t it?" she asked tiredly.

Erwin nodded.

She blinked slowly, beginning to curl in against him. "It was a bad one."

"I can tell."

Loki paused. "I didn't sleep last night. Or the night before that."

Erwin rested his head against the tree and stared up at the sky, doing everything in his power to maintain his uninterested façade. It was quite hard with Loki's cleavage right there under his nose and her hot breath on his neck. Her earlier squirming didn't do him any favors either, but Erwin was more than instinct and emotion. Over and over again he forced himself to remember that what he felt was wrong. He had to remember that Loki was his little sister. Their father would be ashamed.

"Why?" he asked monotonously.

"I was on edge. Thinking about, y'know...being pregnant."

"Is being pregnant such a bad thing?"

She hiccupped. "N-No," Loki croaked. He could tell by her trembling and the moisture on his shirt that she was crying. Hold it in, Erwin. Don't look. If you look, there's no going back. "You must think I'm such a fuck up."

A knot formed in Erwin's throat. He always felt so wrong and guilty when she said things like that...because it was true. And Erwin wanted more than anything for it not to be. Despite knowing it was a bad idea, he looked at her. Her hair was a mess and her cheeks were blotchy. Her nose was bright red and her bloodshot, honey colored eyes were glistening. He swallowed thickly. She was beautiful. He wiped away a tear and tucked her in against him, hoping she wouldn't be able to feel his heart racing.

"Loki, that's not true." He felt his stomach flip at the thought that he just lied to his sister. "Now, why did you get so upset?"

"I-I just...I don't want you to leave me. If I have his baby...you'll try to. Like you always do."

Erwin winced. That's exactly what he planned to do. He was too obvious when it came to Loki. That was dangerous. "Your husband seems like-"

"My husband is a fucking mollycoddled dumbass with no idea of what I want or who I am. He thinks he loves me because I make him think that. I'm fucking messed up. I like making people think the way I want them to. Who does that?"

"I think," Erwin said carefully. "You want control. In the past, you've had no control. Now you're just taking it a bit far. With practice, I'm sure you could be a good leader. Be better."

"What if I fuck this kid up? What if I make it like me?"

"You'll love it too much.”

"You don't know what you're talking about," Loki snorted.

"You know I do," he said against her hair, pressing an innocent kiss to her head. He knew better, but he knew Loki needed affection.

Erwin shifted Loki slightly, trying to stand so he could help her into the house. She looked tired. She probably felt worse. He knew enough about women during pregnancy to know it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

"Wait!" Loki jumped. "Don't go. Just...just stay, please."

"I was going to help you into bed. You look like you're not feeling well. Besides, the weather's getting worse."

Loki nodded cautiously. "O-Okay."

As soon as he got her into the house and into bed, Lovino was behind him, crowding him. It almost made Erwin wonder if the boy knew how Erwin felt towards his pregnant wife, but he was probably imagining things. He sat on the bed beside Loki while Lovino wished the guests a good night and said farewells. He didn't want Loki alone, so he insisted Erwin stay behind and sit with her.

"I'm sorry,” Loki whispered, kissing Erwin’s wrist as he brushed hair away from her tear-stained face.

Erwin nodded.

"I want to be better...for you," she mumbled, looking down, likely sleep-deprived and still half wrought with panic. "Do you prefer me when I'm broken?"

"I don't have a preference. You're my sister."

Loki flinched.

He could sense her beginning to implode. She rolled away from him as Lovino walked in the room. Erwin said his goodbyes and left knowing that he'd hurt Loki intentionally. He always did that. Always had to draw the line and set up conditions. It had never hurt before, but it sure as hell did now.


	17. Chapter 17

"Do you have to go?"

Loki sighed, putting down the collar of her jacket and sitting on the edge of the bed Lovino was still laying in. "Lovi-"

"You could just stay here where it's safe."

"We've talked about this, Lovino. I have a job to do, and being pregnant isn't going to stop me."

Lovino huffed. "I-I'm just scared. What if...if you miscarry? Or die?"

Loki looked over her shoulder as she braided her hair and wove the brain into an intricate bun. "Then we'll try again. Besides, have I died yet?" she asked with a coy grin.

"How can you be so calm about this?! You're going directly against Doctor Jäeger's orders. He said no work!"

"I'll be careful." Loki kissed him chastely. "I promise that this'll be the last one until it's born."

"If Doctor Jäeger-"

"Doctor Jäeger can't control me and neither can you," Loki snapped. "I'll be home sometime tomorrow."

* * *

 

If Loki didn't die of from exposure to such freezing cold weather, then she'd sure as hell die from having her ears explode from all the nagging: 'Loki, quit riding so fast. You're jostling the baby.', 'Corporal Smith, what did I say about keeping yourself hydrated.' or worse, 'Loki, stay in the middle where it's safe.' It was infuriating. You'd think being pregnant was akin to lighting up a smoke near munitions. It was going to be a long, cold, miserable day. And Loki was most definitely _not_ in the mood.

Suddenly Erwin was riding beside her. She felt her horse take a step away out of instinct. She couldn't have loved that horse any more in that moment. "Loki, this horse is going to end up hurting the baby with how he's stomping. Maybe-"

"Is it even possible for you to shut up?" Her voice was muffled by the thick scarf she had wrapped around her face, covering everything but her angry honey colored eyes.

"Don't make me pull rank, Loki. I'm only trying to keep you-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Keep me and the baby safe. Gods, you sound the same way you did when we were little. Such a worry wart."

Erwin blushed, making Loki smirk.

Loki was quiet as they rode through the bitter cold. They were coming up on a forest to their right. She figured Shadis wanted them to sit up in the trees and wait for Titans to show up since they were going to be “studying Titans in their natural habitat.” What a load of bullshit. Honestly, Loki was surprised they hadn't spotted any yet. For the most part it was a very quiet ride. Eerily quiet. As they were drawing closer to the forest, Shadis called for an all-stop.

"Why the hell are we stopping?"

"Maybe we're heading back," Erwin said as he stopped his mare.

"Being sedentary like this is bad."

An uneasy silence spread among the group. Loki started shifting in her saddle to relieve the pain in her lower back when she felt her horse tense. His ears were pinned to his head, and he starting jerking about. Loki nearly slipped off as she tried to get him back under control. There were Titans somewhere nearby.

"Titans on our six!"

Loki jerked her horse in a full 180 and paled. They were coming from a nearby mountain range. The majority of them were four meters and were slower than the ten meter ring leaders. Loki counted forty. Shit, shit, shit!

"Loki, Erwin, Mike and Gabil! Take up the rear! Everyone else make for the trees!"

Loki was the first one to bolt to the back of the group. It was like herding a bunch of dumbass sheep. No one would move unless Loki reached out and started smacking horse ass. Their terrified faces spoke volumes as they finally got a move on. Once they were all on the run, the rear guard spurred their horses to follow.

"Schneller! Schneller!" she barked into her horse's ear.

"Four meter on the left flank!"

"I got it," Loki called. But just as she flipped around in her saddle, Erwin shot into the air.

Loki swore loudly as she shot after him, her hooks embedding in the neck while Erwin's were lodged in the shoulder. Both of them were coming in at a wide arc from opposite sides. They both went in for the kill at the exact same time, but since Erwin was heavier, he was faster and had more momentum built up. He took it out, giving Loki only seconds to dodge him. As she passed over him, trying to pull her blades away, she felt impact. Fuck! She heard Erwin grunt as they passed and immediately went into medic mode as she landed, going through procedures involving back wound care as well as possible handicaps.

It only took her screaming her horse's name for him to stop eating grass nearby like the fat ass he was. Her horse came towards her in a full run. She started jogging as he got closer and grabbed the horn and back handle of her trick saddle before jerking herself up into the saddle with the momentum of her horse pulled her off the ground. The other two were already behind them, taking on a larger Titan together.

"Loki!" she heard Shadis yell. "We're heading back towards Libelstrag!"

Loki nodded. "All retreat northeast!"

* * *

 

Loki headed to the room she and Erwin would be sharing for the night. They were in the large tourism town of Lichtenstein, staying in one of the better inns that were available. She spent most of her time going room to room like all the other medics, checking on the injured and doing minor injury care. What she was concerned about was Erwin's injury. With their rates of speed and the angle and sharpness of her blade on impact, he could be anywhere from scratched to partially paralyzed. As soon as she walked in though, she felt her gorge rise. Hurriedly, she shot into the bathroom and puked in the toilet before pulling down the chain. If she never saw that again, she'd be grateful to every deity known to mankind.

Erwin's back was sliced open from one shoulder down to his hip where it dipped past his pant line and likely down his thigh. From where she stood, she judged it to be about a centimeter deep. If he didn't have nerve damage, she'd be thoroughly amazed. Once she readied herself for seeing his back like that again, she walked over to her med pack and started pulling out supplies. She also got out some of the high proof grain alcohol she stole from the bar and brothel next door. She checked the label: 196 proof.

That'd be a good anesthetic. No one else had touched the stuff. Loki stole it knowing Erwin was in pain and would be in much more after she tended to the injury. Unlike most, he hid his pain well, making sure no one noticed. Loki noticed though, and it was tearing her up inside. She caused his pain just like she always did. Sighing, she uncapped the alcohol and starting cleaning the suture materials.

"Everything off. Lay on your stomach," she ordered. As a medic, he couldn't argue with her orders even as a superior officer. "If you want to play prude, grab a clean shirt and drape it over the unwounded area."

When she turned, Loki nearly dropped everything. So much for staying in medic mode. Even with parts of him covered, he looked like a fucking god. Who the fuck looked that good even when they were injured?! Geez! He was all carved muscle and tan skin...unlike her husband and regretfully the father of her child. When he began turning his head to look at her, Loki quickly shot forward to sit beside him so he couldn’t see her reddening cheeks.

"Here," Loki said, uncorking the bottle of alcohol and maneuvering him so that he could hold the bottle and drink. "Start drinking. Don't stop until I say to."

Erwin looked at the bottle with a critical eye, noticing some of its contents were missing. "Loki, did you-"

"No I didn't drink it you dumb fuck! Geez, if I didn't know better I'd say you were the father of this kid instead of Lovino." She froze, turning bright red. She glanced over and saw the same blush on Erwin's cheeks. "Just...just hurry up. I'd like to get some sleep if that's okay."

Erwin tilted the bottle and swallowed before coughing and hacking. He repeated the process until he was acclimated and then just drank. When he was down to the halfway mark, she made him stop and told him to relax as much as he could, helping maneuver him so he wasn’t in so much pain. He had a pretty flush to his cheeks that Loki had a hard time looking away from in order to thread the needle.

"Erwin, listen to me, this is going to hurt. A lot. No matter what you do, do not move. Got it?"

He nodded. To anyone else he would've looked stoic, but Loki saw it...the anxiety. Eyes blown wide, breathing accelerated, hands shaking just slightly. Loki kissed his forehead and apologized to him quietly before putting his hand on her calf and telling him to grip it as tight as he needed. Surprisingly, he actually took hold of her leg instead of pushing away. She needed to get him drunk more often.

She silently positioned the needle and slid it into the skin. Erwin jerked from the initial entry point, his entire body twitching and then going stiff beneath Loki's careful hands. The hand on her leg tightened considerably. Loki didn't wait around to let Erwin get used to it. She knew taking this slow only prolonged the pain. She slipped it through to the other side and pulled it closed, trying to focus on the task at hand, and not the way Erwin's grip tightened so much that it made her leg go numb. She pulled another stitch through in only a few seconds. It would take about fifty-eight or so for the entire wound. It was extensive. If they were back at HQ, he probably would've been put under for surgery.

Loki made him take another swig of the alcohol before continuing.

"Hang in there, Erwin. Almost done."

Once Loki got to the lower left of his back, she noticed he wasn't making any noise and his grip on her leg had loosened. She checked his pulse quickly, causing him to shift. "Is it done?" he asked as smoothly as he could.

"What do you mean?" Loki paused in her work. "Can't you feel this?"

"No."

A wave of horror ran through her. Immediately she stopped her work and began to check him for any signs of severe nerve damage. He was only numb from his last rib to his belly button thank the gods. After that little horror show, the stitches were finished quickly. By the time they were done, Erwin ended up needing seventy stitches. Loki took the last of the booze and slowly poured it over the line of stitching, dabbing away at the excess blood and alcohol with a wad of cloth.

"Alright. Worst part's over. Now I'm putting echinacea to keep the wound from getting too infected. It'll lessen the swelling too. Now I'm putting on a protective gauze. You get this done every night until one of the medical officers clears you, got it?"

He nodded sleepily.

Loki cleaned up her mess before stripping down to her undergarments and shutting off the oil lamps. For light, Loki opened the curtains, letting the moonlight seep in. Instead of bathing like she normally would, she used a basin of water to clean herself. She was honestly too tired to be picky about hygiene. She quietly knelt down beside Erwin and lightly kissed his forehead. Then his nose. Then a chaste one to his lips. She was about to go lay down on the other bed when a hand shot out to grab her.

"Stay."

Loki's eyebrow shot up. "I'm not leaving the room."

"I meant stay here. In my bed. ‘m cold."

Her stomach started doing flips as she stared down at him. Only once before, when Erwin first joined the Scouts, did Erwin ever ask to sleep in the same bed with her. She nodded and quietly slid in beside him, careful not to jostle him too much. As she stared at the ceiling, she relished the feeling of his hot breath caressing her cheek and neck. She wondered if it felt similar to when he had sex. Likely not. Huffing she got comfortable and relaxed, allowing sleep to take her. As she slowly drifted off, she felt a large hand cover her stomach, skimming over the little bump in her usually toned stomach.

She almost thought she heard Erwin talk, but he would never say what she thought she heard.

_"I wish it were mine."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schneller is German for fast. German is used for training animals because of the guttural tone.
> 
> I personally think the Scouts would use trick saddles because of the tall horn and the handle on the back. It would make mounting and dismounting way easier and it would also make turning and standing in the saddle a breeze.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER WARNING for manga CHAPTERS 60 and onward

Erwin sat in a chair next to the wood fire stove that heated Loki and Lovino’s home where he was staying. Well, scratch that. He really collapsed into the chair because his legs no longer seemed able to support him after hours of pacing around the living room. He rubbed his face before beginning to rub his upper lip as he tried not to focus on Loki's heavy breathing from inside her bedroom. And it wasn’t because the walls were thin either. No, she was just breathing…and cursing loudly.

"It's about time you sat down. I think you were starting to wear a groove in the floor," Dr. Jäeger said good-naturedly.

It should've been Lovino there instead of him. He was the father after all, and Erwin didn't think he'd be able to take any more of Loki's cries of pain. Sadly, Lovino had been on duty for the past two months, and since Erwin was still out of commission from his back injury, he moved in to help Loki with her last few months of pregnancy. Her husband was due back any day now, and Erwin had hoped he wouldn't be there by the time she had the baby. He didn’t think he’d be able to take it. He was right.

"Does it always take this long?" he asked quietly, taking a drink from the vodka he’d stolen from Loki’s liquor stash.

"It does, especially with the first child. My wife and I just had our first son four months ago, and she had a hard labor."

"You'll have to excuse me, Doctor. I'm not used to being idle," Erwin said as he shifted.

He smiled and nodded. "I understand you're a military officer alongside Mrs. Moscatello. What rank?"

"At the moment, I'm a Sergeant Major."

"That's very respectable for someone in the Scouting Legion. It sounds like you've done good for yourself. Do you enjoy it?"

The first response that popped into Erwin's head was an astute and resounding no. He loathed the military's system of power and the fact that politics and social campaigns mattered more than the lives of the men they sent to their deaths with every expedition they were forced to go on. He hated the monarchy and the farce it was. He knew better. This was no monarchy; it was a fascist system meant to strengthen the rich on the bones of good, respectable soldiers that gave their lives for a lost cause. However, he couldn't actually voice such an opinion. Not yet anyway. Not until he had the leverage he needed.

"It's an acquired taste."

Just then, Loki yelled out. Erwin jolted up onto his feet at the sound, but the doctor just continued fishing out tools before slipping into the bedroom where Loki was likely clawing the headboard to shreds. All he could do was sit in that chair and wait.

* * *

 

"How're you managing then? Nothing too painful yet?" Grisha asked as he knelt and nudged her knees apart gingerly. He learned after two previous check-ups that Mrs. Moscatello jerked when startled. He would've been worried that he’d never father children again if it hadn't been for...well, _that_.

"It's mostly dull, but I'm getting sharp jolts in my lower back. I think you may need to check the baby's position. Judging contraction intensity and progress, I'd say I've only dilated a measly centimeter."

Grisha chuckled. "I don't know why you need me, Mrs.-"

"Just call me Loki. You've seen more of me than my own husband, so I'd say we're acquainted well enough."

Grisha didn't even want to begin processing that statement. "Breathe for me." He reached inside until the tips of his fingers brushed the spongy tissue of her cervix. "Four, maybe five centimeters. Not bad considering you're a first timer."

He withdrew, allowing her to relax as much as was possible given her current state. He was briefly reminded of his own son's birth. He didn't have the stomach to deliver, so he had another local doctor do it. He was a nervous wreck the entire time. Every grimace or squeeze of his hand reminded him that women were definitely stronger than anything on this Earth. Including things like him. It was all worth it though, to see his wife glowing with joy—even though she monotonously told him it was sweat and not a glow. Little Eren looked just like her sans the hair and lips. Perfect. He was absolutely perfect. A perfect, _human_ baby boy.

"Didn't you just have a kid?" Loki asked.

"A little boy, just a few months ago."

"Congratulations. Have in-laws?"

"No." He pressed his hands to her stomach to feel for the baby's position.

"Lucky you. All I've had for the past eight fucking months was fat women hovering jewelry over my belly, saying I was having a boy. Then they'd stuff me with their food. You can't believe what it took to keep them from coming here and moving in like a bunch of obese cockroaches. I can only imagine what it'll be like when it's born. Gods, we'll have to move to Sina just to get away from them."

Grisha smirked. "I'm sure they mean well. Alright, looks like it's flipped, Loki. Probably why you're feeling it in your back. If you want, I can try to move it, but sometimes they go back on their own."

"No, I can man-" she cut off with a hiss. Grisha felt her abdomen tighten like a clenched fist under his hand. She only groaned softly, making a god awful scraping sound as she ground her teeth together. Slowly, the muscles released and she exhaled. "Do I get booze for this?"

Grisha actually chuckled at that. This woman was a very...fiery character to say the least. She reminded him of his wife. Except his wife didn’t have quite the military vocabulary of Mrs. Moscatello. "I'm afraid not."

Loki sighed and wiped her stray strands of hair from her face. "The baby's safe?"

"Perfectly. Even if it stays posterior, I can manage it, though it'll be tougher on you."

"Just leave it then. If I can take Titans, I can take a baby."

"Try standing if you think you can to speed along the labor. I'll give you some privacy."

Grisha walked into the living area and noticed a rather full figured woman with bright red hair sitting with Erwin. When he shut the door, both the woman and Erwin sat up straighter. Erwin said nothing while the woman began inquiring about the baby's condition, only referring to Loki as "her" or "she." Grisha was beginning to realize what Loki meant earlier about being lucky he had no in-laws.

"Can I go in to see if the baby's making progress?"

Before Grisha could speak, a voice from behind the door spoke for him. "Fuck. No. You old bag."

The woman began turning red.

"I'm sure that she's just hostile because of the pain," Erwin responded.

"Like hell I a- Shit."

"Are you sure my grandson will be fine? She drinks you know. And did drugs."

"I'm aware, ma'am."

Childbirth was a waiting game for the most part. He checked on Loki again a few moments later. She was stalking about the room ranting to her stomach and then stopping to catch her breath. She was holding at five centimeters. As he went to leave, she offered to let him stay so he wouldn't have to deal with her in-laws, but he kindly declined. Part of being a doctor, he learned, was having to counsel and deal with the family members.

After another three hours, he checked her again. Seven centimeters. Now Loki was beginning to show signs of true labor. She was sweaty and pale and had dark circles under her eyes. He inquired as to her husband's whereabouts since the husband was usually his makeshift assistant. She only shrugged and tried to sleep. When he left the room again, he was greeted with a very surprised Mr. Moscatello coming through the door.

Another thirty minutes and suddenly he heard a loud, anguished scream. Either she advanced very quickly or the baby was breached. Erwin was actually the one to jump up before catching himself. Lovino was at his wife's side in seconds looking like a kicked dog. If ever there was a poster couple for odd pairs, they would be it. Lovino was more feminine, sensitive and graceful while Loki was like a bull in a pottery shop. Loki, meanwhile, was on her elbows and knees, gently knocking her forehead against the floor in agony.

Grisha knelt on her other side and pressed his hand to her stomach. "Loki, just breathe and try to tell me what you're feeling."

"Oh God, it hurts. It fucking hurts and it won't stop!"

"Mr. Moscatello, hold her up so she doesn't collapse on her own stomach." He looked up to see that Lovino was paler than a sheet. All he did was nod and wrap his arms around her like a child clinging to its doll. "Loki, I'm going to check your progress. Bear with me."

Grisha pressed inside and tried not to feel guilty when she sobbed. The baby had moved down considerably. He could just feel the head through the bag of waters and Loki's cervix. Nine centimeters. She was in transition.

"I need you to listen to me now," Grisha snapped, gaining control of the room. Both of them went rigid at the military tone. "Mr. Moscatello, we're getting her up onto the bed. You'll sit behind her. One. Two. Three." Together Grisha and Lovino got Loki up onto the bed. Grisha sat in front of them and took hold of Loki's hands.

"Loki, I need you to breathe with me."

"Fuck. You. Jäeger," she growled.

Time to get out the military voice. "Corporal Smith, breathe with me. Look at me. C'mon now." He inhaled and she followed. "Good, now breathe out. Good."

They breathed together until her hands relaxed and the anxiety came down a few notches. Then the door cracked open. "Has my grandbaby been born?"

"Mamma!"

"Sorry, sorry dear."

"When this is over, Lovi, I'm banning that bitch from this house."

"Loki, I-"

"Don't argue with the pregnant lady!" she snapped.

Grisha checked her progress again. "Nine centimeters. You're close, Loki. You just have to get through this part. We're going to help you through it, alright?"

She nodded weakly. He could see in her eyes that she was beginning to wear out.

In the next hour, they moved her into what seemed like a thousand different positions, trying to keep her as still as possible to conserve her energy. At one point, Loki locked onto his arm and locked eyes with him, glaring into his face with a look of complete, unrelenting focus. It was one of those moments that reminded Grisha of the power women possessed.

When her long moans morphed into short grunts, Grisha checked her again. Fully dilated. "Are you pushing, Loki?"

She was half asleep as they folded her up and got her ready to push. Grisha knew to leave her well enough alone. Let her rest while she could. As she moved into the second stage, Grisha saw awareness creep back into her eyes.

"I feel like I've run from here to the Wall. I'm so tired," she chortled weakly.

"Your body should pump some energy into your system as we get going."

She pushed for a while, dozing between contractions. After a quarter of an hour, he decided to break her waters to move things along.

"What will you do with that?" Lovino asked worriedly, tightening his grip on his wife.

"It's a hook to break her waters. It'll relieve some of the pressure pain she's feeling and it'll move the birth along."

"Will it hurt the baby?"

"Not at all. Trust me, Mr. Moscatello, I've delivered many babies. Your wife and baby are fine."

Fluids gushed out onto his hands. Loki noticeably relaxed as her eyes fluttered, but she continued to sleep. Things picked up after that, and soon Grisha started seeing the head: a massive matted crop of auburn red hair. More of the baby emerged with every push. An hour and a half into pushing, Loki finally got her energy back. Before long, the baby was crowning.

"Ease off, Loki. Just pant."

"Like hell! I want this thing out!" she yelled, shuddering.

On the next contraction, Grisha coached her to breathe through the pushing urge, and cupped the head as it slowly slid out. He wiped down the eyes and chubby cheeks and thin lips. "One more contraction should do it. Alright, harder now, Loki."

One shoulder, then the next popped free, and with a short gasp, the rest of the baby rushed out. A little girl. Knowing the mother’s instinct would kick in soon, he placed her on her mother's chest immediately. Lovino was crying outright, kissing Loki's cheek while she ignored him and spoke quietly to the infant, pressing their foreheads together. Grisha wiped the little one down and wrapped her up, encouraging them to stimulate her with the blanket.

"What's the name going to be?" he asked as he went to a fresh water basin to wash his hands.

"Lovino," Loki said weakly. "You won our poker game, so you get to name her. What'll it be?"

"Valentina. Vali for short."

"Congratulations."

* * *

 

Erwin watched from the kitchen as the sudden onslaught of Moscatello family members herded around Lovino and his daughter, each of them waiting for a turn to hold the newborn. Erwin had been busy working on a long range scouting strategy he thought of while watching birds migrate only a few days ago. He had been looking up to avoid staring at Loki's very swollen breasts that nearly fell from her dress as she groomed her horse that day.

Erwin was suddenly pulled from his thoughts as Lovino sat at the table next to him. He went to hand the baby to him. "Here."

Erwin stared at him like a calf looking at a new gate. "What?"

"Here," he repeated, gesturing as best he could towards the baby.

A bolt of fear, not unlike the creeping dread of watching a comrade die, coursed through his body. He wanted him to hold their daughter? Their newborn daughter that not two hours ago was inside his little sister? This wasn't some doll; this was a child. What if he dropped her? If he dropped her...

"Come on, she's not made of glass. Besides, I need to check up on Loki."

Conceding, he took the baby, being very cautious in his movements as he did so. When he was certain he wouldn't drop her, he situated the baby in his arms and got his first good look at his niece. She had a round, rosy-cheeked face complete with Loki's thin pink lips and button nose. He smiled slightly when the baby blinked and squirmed. He saw a little flash of gold under those puffy eyelids. He reached a hand around and allowed her tiny hand to grasp his finger. She had Loki's grip too.

"Hello, Vali," Erwin murmured.

Tiny and vulnerable was the soul he held in his arms. So much so that it nearly pained him to look at her. To think something so fragile was being born into their kind of world was tragic...terrifying. Thinking of Titans and the survival of humanity had a whole new meaning now.

"How's your back?"

Erwin looked up, seeing Loki walking towards him in a nightdress. “Loki,” he started. “You should be lying down. You just gave birth.”

“Feh,” she waved him off. “I’m just a bit sore between the legs. Doctor left some numbing gel. That man is a fucking saint.” She stopped in front of him and smirked. Erwin blushed when he noticed twin stains on her breasts. “You look good with a baby in your arms. Anyway, you didn’t answer my question.”

"U-Uhm…It's fine. I think I can manage it."

"She's a looker, isn't she?" Loki said with a smile in her voice as she slowly sat down with a grimace.

"I agree. You should get some rest. I should too since I'll be leaving in the afternoon."

"So soon? I thought you’d want to spend some time with the baby.”

"I need to go back on duty."

Loki frowned. "I see. Alright, goodnight Erwin," she said as she scooped Valentina out of his arms and headed to bed. Erwin couldn’t help but wish he was staying, but if he did, he’d only be torturing himself with something he coveted but couldn’t have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See what I did there with the name. Hehe, I'm so sneaky. Anyway, I did the birth in Grisha's point of view because I feel like his character was kinda just glossed over and I wanted to give him some depth. Hope you enjoyed it.


	19. Chapter 19

"Shit!" Loki hissed as she was being eyeballed by a large mouth with teeth.

Her gear was shot and she wasn't as quick as usual. Not after having Vali anyway. Not to mention her tits felt like they were about to burst. She'd been busy taking care of the newborn since her husband was pretty much useless and moving them into the new house. Loki hardly had time for training by the time her maternity leave was over. Now she was without a horse, zig-zagging through the trees on the ground as she tried to wait out the Titan. Eventually someone would see her, but whether or not they'd be too late was another question. And with her wires cut to avoid the Titan she was running from, she had no way of escaping into the trees.

Loki felt something grab onto her jacket, and suddenly she was being lifted. She tried to hack away at the massive, bony digits, but she made very little progress. When the thing opened its mouth, Loki gagged. The stench and heat was god awful. Its teeth were yellow and the gums were sticky with blood and shit. Loki thought she saw scalp wedged between its molars.

"Fuck! Fuck!" Loki hissed, feeling panic swell in her chest. She couldn't die. Not after having Vali. She couldn’t leave her alone with Lovi.

"Corporal! I'm coming!"

Loki wanted to tell whatever dumbass was coming to fall back. Stay the fuck away. But it wouldn't come out. It was as if something on the inside was literally squeezing her throat shut. Who was she kidding anyway? Only a dumbass would be selfless enough to be a martyr. Helplessly, she struggled against the burning, crushing grip that suspended her. She tried to cut away the fabric of her uniform, but that would just be suicide from a death drop. She wasn't that desperate yet, but still...maybe it would be less painful than being torn apart by disgusting teeth.

"Loki!"

_Shit, Erwin._

She couldn't die in front of him. It'd tear him apart. She had a duty to survive for him. She felt the Titan sniffing her, making her hair wisp towards the massive nostrils. Shit. She was done. Loki's chest constricted as she went through everything she knew on Titans. Basically human right? She could cut through the stomach. No, it'd just heal. Besides, that acid would liquefy her before she could manage to swim her way out. What about...that's it! Maybe she could wait the damn thing out from there, but she'd have to—fuck!

Suddenly Loki was falling. She screamed and thrust her blade out, hoping to snag something. A deafening roar came from under her, and her world turned sideways. She somehow managed to lodge her blade in its hard palate. Fucking shit! She was still alive! However, her celebration was short lived when her world surged up and half a body slid by. It caught her leg and started dragging her slippery body into the throat. She was only managing to hold on by a thread, a little more tugging and she was a gonner. The throat started to constrict around her leg and the tongue began working to drag her down. Snarling, Loki stabbed the tongue, hoping to gain ground, but the blade just slid through like butter, making her eyes cloud with hot steam.

Then her world jolted again. Forward, backward, forward...still forward. The thing hit the ground with a resounding thud, making Loki lose her grip. This time she fell onto grass, but a pool of acid was chasing her. Loki screamed as the acid ate through her boot and calf, making her skin burn and sizzle. A chunk of flesh dripped off like water. Suddenly, she was being pulled from between the teeth by strong familiar hands. It was Erwin. When she turned though, she screamed. Vali was there...on the ground...oh Gods no.

She was dead.

* * *

 

Loki flailed as she jerked up in the Titan's mouth...or was it her bed? Definitely her bed. She was gasping for air and trying to fight her way out of the blankets. Vali. She had to get to her baby. Save her. That Titan was coming. But she was being held back, pinned to something that was wrapped around her arms and her waist. Please! Valentina was too little! She had to get to her!

"Stop!" Loki yelled.

"Loki, calm down," someone said soothingly. "You're okay."

"I need to see her! I need her! Get off!" she screamed, using her elbow to hit whoever was behind her in the throat.

The arms loosened and Loki lunged for the baby's room. She fell, and her leg felt like it was being rubbed against glass, lemons and sandpaper. That didn't matter though. She opened the door and stood frozen in the room. Vali was on her back, arms up around her ears and legs slightly bent at the knee. She was okay. Everything was okay. It was all just a bad dream. Loki shut the door quietly and slid to the floor sobbing. Bare feet padded towards her, and Lovi pulled her into his chest. It had been five days since her encounter. Every night since she got back home was the same: nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks.

"Shhh, shhh, you're safe. You're safe."

His voice sounded weird. Loki looked up and saw the beginnings of a dark purple bruise on his Adam’s apple. "Oh shit. I did that, didn't I?"

"It's my fault. I tried to pin you. I just got startled, y'know?"

Loki nodded and pressed her head to his cool chest.

Even though Loki didn't really love him the way he loved her, they did have their moments. Their marriage wasn't perfect, but from what she witnessed, nothing was. They fought a lot. Loki got aggressive. Lovino got whiny or lazy or his family visited. They were doing that much less since they moved to the port town just outside Shiganshina. But they had their moments all the same. Sometimes they’d lie in bed cuddling or just soak in a bath together and talk about their days. The moment was interrupted though when the baby started crying. Loki's shirt was instantly a dripping mess.

She snickered. "Kid sleeps through all that only to wake when it's mealtime. My, aren't we blessed?"

"Bring her to our bed. We still have her bassinet in there. Maybe you'll sleep better if you can see her."

She nodded and kissed his neck before he stood and helped her up.

* * *

 

Lovino sat in the bed rubbing his throat gingerly. He knew Loki had a close encounter, but he didn't know it was bad enough to affect her like that. Erwin and Loki were all pretty tight lipped about the whole thing. He looked at the sheets and noticed a few dark blots. Loki probably agitated the wound on her leg. He stood sleepily and grabbed the medical kit from Loki's things and sat on the bed, laying them out.

That's when he heard the soft monotone of his wife through the wall, talking to their daughter. Loki never understood the idea of "baby talk" and promptly refused to have any part in it. His mamma and she had more than one fight over that. Lovino honestly thought it was kind of adorable to see his wife talking to her daughter like an intellectual. He could tell Loki really loved her because of that. Because she wouldn't dare belittle their daughter by speaking to her in such a "demeaning, weird as fuck" fashion.

He turned when Loki came into the room only moments later. Her eyelids were heavy and glazed. Lovino wished he could help her. She was so tired, and such little sleep couldn't be healthy. She would do it for their daughter though. Despite what his mamma believed, Loki always got up and did everything she could for Vali. She never complained, never hesitated. Lovino scooted over so she could prop herself and the baby against the headboard while he lifted her leg into his lap.

The bandage was red and sticky, and it only got worse as he unwrapped it. The wound itself wasn't that deep, but it looked inflamed and irritated. Lovino used some of the numbing ointment as Loki pulled off his shirt that she was wearing. When he was done applying the bandage, he put away everything and slid into bed beside Loki, pulling her against his chest so she could rest her head.

Valentina's tiny little mouth latched onto Loki quickly as it always did. And soon soft sounds of suckling started to fill the quiet room. There was something comforting about that sound. It was like realizing all over again that she was his baby and that he had a family. Like she so often did when she nursed, Loki ran her index finger up and down Valentina's cheek. Her jaw and cheeks flexed and moved as she swallowed. Her cheeks were rather round, and when his mother first saw her she went on and on about how Vali looked a lot like Beppe when he was a baby. But she had Loki's big honey colored eyes that looked like they could light the world ablaze with never ending fire. Loki looked up at him and smiled softly, never being one for blatant affection except on certain days.

After a while, Lovino leaned against the headboard and just watched. He watched Loki finish feeding the baby, watched her lift her onto her lap and pat her back a bit until she let out a tiny little mix of a burp and a hiccup. And it wasn’t until Loki was done that he took his baby girl out of her arms and cradled Valentina to his chest. He stood as Loki pulled the shirt back on and walked over to the bassinet. He dragged the thing over to Loki's side of the bed and then gingerly lowered her inside.


	20. Chapter 20

After spending a lazy morning with his daughter at the house, Lovino took Valentina to visit her mother at the Corps’ Headquarters. It wasn't unusual for family to visit the Scouts and Garrison in the daytime. It boosted morale, so the military officials gave it the go-ahead. Sometimes Loki would drop by with Valentina while he was on duty, but he had yet to bring Valentina to visit Loki while she was on duty. He often wondered about that, and when he finally asked Loki, all she said was “too much shit a little girl shouldn't see”. He got that to an extent, but it had been two weeks since she left, and Vali had been miserable the entire time which meant everyone else was also miserable.

* * *

 

Loki didn't get asked to stay on extended duty often. Sure, sometime she gave guest lectures and did autopsies for the Training Corps and other military officials, but usually she would be gone overnight or for three days in extreme circumstances. Even on expeditions she was never gone for more than two or three days.

She didn't really have much of a choice though when her Commander needed her, but her Commander didn't have to devastate her one year old...at least not directly. Either way, it seemed that Valentina had come to expect that even if Lovino went away, Loki never would. That Loki was a permanent fixture in her life. That wasn’t to say that she wasn't upset when Lovino left, but the misery and hurt happened when he was gone. When Loki tried explaining she had to go away for four days, Vali was upset right away. Upset being the understatement of the millennium.

His mother had decided to visit on that day. Nearly walked in while he and Loki were being...intimate. That's what started off the horrible day really. After finishing up, he and Loki got dressed and Loki woke up Vali for breakfast as she always did. Then Lovino heard the whimpering and begging. Then came the loud screams and crying that came when Vali didn't get her way.

His mamma barged in looking angry. Automatically his mamma snatched Vali up. That was the second catastrophe. “What are you doing-a to my little sweetling?" she snapped at Loki.

Nobody likely noticed, but Lovi saw the slump to Loki's shoulders and a grim look that he hadn’t seen in a long time. Loki remained in Vali's room, staring at their daughter's ever-growing pile of toys.

Lovino wrapped his arms around her waist, gently swaying and trying to get her to relax. “It’s just going to be painful,” he said gently.

“Fuck it. Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

“How are you going to get out of it?”

“I could come up with something. Say I'm sick.”

He shook his head. “She’s already upset. If you stay, that’ll only make things worse when you have no choice.”

She grumbled curses at him as she lay back against him.

Lovino smiled. "I'm sure mamma will come up with something encouraging.”

“Fucking hell she will,” Loki snorted.

Of course, his mamma didn't say anything to make it better. If anything she made it worse. Valentina took to crawling after Loki like a shadow, and every time Loki tried to pack, Vali would pull it all out and sit in the bag. Lovino had to leave the room because he knew laughing was only going to piss Loki off. Less amusing, however, was Valentina sitting in front of the door with the most injured look on her little tear stained face.

Loki eventually knelt down and spoke to her in a low, soothing tone for about fifteen minutes before she was able to move her without Valentina waking the royals in Wall Sina. Even then, Vali looked absolutely miserable. At that point, she latched onto Loki and started sobbing. Loki paused to hold her for a while before leaving, looking miserable. Not to mention utterly pissed off.

* * *

 

That was two weeks ago when she went for another of those godforsaken expeditions outside the walls. Loki got back okay but according to the notice sent by Military Communications, she was on extended duty until one of her patients was given the all clear. Apparently it was a rough case. Usually Loki was able to get in and out of HQ within days.

It had been a rough two weeks to say the least.

Upon arrival, Lovino carried Valentina down to the training yard to watch her mother and uncle before they would break for the afternoon meal. Loki was in zero gravity gear, doing flips and spins as fast as she could manage. Valentina watched excitedly until Lovino pointed out her favorite uncle swinging through the branches using 3DM gear to take out Titan dummies. He noticed an older gentleman he'd never seen before with black hair and an undercut with narrow, grey eyes. He seemed to be watching Erwin dangerously.

When Loki saw them, she smiled and waved as she brought herself to a halt and unbuckled herself from the gear. During that time, Lovino spotted a girl from his home village named Bianca that he hadn't seen in years. They were conversing about her training days and how she enjoyed military life as well as their personal lives. As he was speaking, Vali squirmed in his arms to be put down, arching her back and kicking her legs dangerously close to his groin.

Their daughter had grown much in the past year since her birth. She moved quickly from rolling onto her stomach to mastering crawling, exploring the house with curious eyes. There was many a time when Loki or Lovino would hurry after her to avoid her putting a stray blade or some weird herb into her mouth. She was a bit slow on the walking part though, but Doctor Jäeger assured them it was okay.

Most recently Valentina had taken to pulling herself up onto her feet, standing on shaky legs before falling. Each time she plopped down on the wood floors, she would happily pull herself right back up to try all over again. Loki said their little girl was doing better than most soldiers in the determination department. Apparently after seeing just one Titan, many soldiers had to give up and transfer into another division or go into the reserves. He didn’t blame them. Seeing those things from the tops of the Wall was enough to plague his nightmares.

For the past two weeks, Lovino spent his days bent at the waist with Vali's hands wrapped around his fingers, walking about the house as Vali led him on adventures. So far, each time Lovino attempted to extract himself from her grip, Valentina would end up toppling over. Lovino had even taken to trying to bribe his little princess with her favorite sweet held only steps out of reach. Each time, that damned first step sent Vali sprawling. His efforts were nearly as single-minded as his attempts to coerce Vali to say “dada”, which so far had also proven to be futile. Everything and everyone was "Mamma" to her.

“Mamma!” Vali squealed, arching her back until Lovino was forced to set her down or risk dropping her.

“Yes, I know. I see her, but Mamma is busy.” Leaning down, he lowered the child to the ground to stand. Valentina clasped his fingers, finding her wobbly balance.

“Ma-ma-ma-ma,” she continued to babble, pulling at his hands.

“You’re as stubborn as she is.” Lovi followed behind as she began taking a few determined steps across the yard.

“Loki,” Lovino called out.

She spared a glance towards his voice, smiling before being pulled away by what he assumed was a subordinate judging by the way she stood as if she were the mighty wall herself. This woman was sporadic with wild brown hair and glasses. She was all over the place. Erwin soon entered their conversation before the girl dashed back inside. Then the two siblings began talking to each other quietly. Lovino tried to decipher what they were saying, but judging by Loki's relaxed shoulders it was nothing bad.

Valentina screeched before continuing her chanting, clearly determined to get her mother's attention. Lovino felt her tight grip loosen on his fingers as she continued to march towards her mother. His heart jumped in excitement. “Loki!”

At that, both Erwin and Loki turned, seeing the pair rapidly approaching.

Erwin smirked. "She looks like you when she's on the war path, Loki."

And indeed she did.

While most of Vali's features were from Lovino, Vali's brow and hair were very much her mother's. Her wispy, dark red hair was sticking up like a little chicken tail on the back of her head. Loki often had one before she fixed her hair in the mornings. Vali also learned almost all of her facial expressions from Loki. Mostly just her focused face and her upset one. Everything else came from a very proud father.

Loki grinned and crouched down, extending her arms. “Well it's about damn time, sugar,” she encouraged. "I was starting to think you were swung around too much on the 3DM gear."

“Honestly, Loki? You'd talk to your daughter like that?"

"Hell yeah. What? You think you know better?" she snapped.

Erwin smiled. "As a matter of fact, I think I do. Come on, Vali,” Erwin grinned, crouching beside his sister to watch his niece's progression while all the nearby soldiers watched with something akin to melancholy in their eyes.

Valentina squealed again, seeing the waiting arms before her, continuing her steady stride.

Tentatively, Lovino tugged his fingers from her grasp. “Go get Mamma,” he murmured, lowering himself to one knee with his hands raised hesitantly behind her back.

Everyone seemed to hold their breath, watching the baby teeter slightly, tensing in anticipation of her fall. Surprisingly, Valentina didn't stop, swinging her freed arms forward to reach for Loki. The motion propelled her onwards. However, when she got closer she started pedaling towards Erwin, making him laugh.

"What the hell, babe? I thought you were Mamma's girl?"

"Told you. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

"I can catch even more with manure. What's your point?" Loki deadpanned.

When Vali finally teetered over into his arms, everyone nearby suddenly cheered, roaring their congratulations at the newest milestone. As Erwin stood with Vali in his arms, Vali looked up at the sudden commotion directed at her. For a moment, she was startled into stillness, her happy smile frozen in wide-eyed shock. And then her face suddenly crumpled, bursting into overwhelmed tears.

“Aww,” a man laughed. “Sorry, sweetheart. We meant only to cheer you on!”

“Bellowing is the preferred pastime of men,” Loki said smoothly, unable to fully hide her smile.

“Mamma!” Valentina wailed, holding her arms out and leaning towards her mother. Loki laughed while she took the child and Vali buried her face in Loki’s neck.

“And having a flair for the dramatic is a hallmark of women,” Lovino affectionately quipped before leaning in to plant a kiss on the back of the baby’s head.

"Especially those women," Erwin added good-naturedly.

* * *

 

"Now,” Loki told him, shifting Vali into Erwin's arms at the mess hall table they sat at. Erwin scrambled to grab her and keep her from falling. That would be a nightmare: How did your niece get that concussion? Oh, I dropped her. “She goes down for a nap at two, and she likes music. Just hum something and she'll go out like a candle. Oh, and only let her sleep for an hour."

Erwin frowned. She didn't expect to be out of surgery until at least three then? It was only noon just now. "How long do you intend to be gone?"

"However long this procedure and the tests take. Since I became a Chief Medical Officer, life's gotten a bit busy. Old man died at a bad time. Left all of his damn paperwork. Besides, you haven't had a whole lot of uncle-niece bonding time."

Erwin floundered. "What about your husband?"

Valentina squirmed in his arms, trying to reach for Loki. Erwin nearly had a heart attack, thinking he'd drop her or crush her. “Mamma!”

"He's off flirting and seeing his old training buddies," she said as she starting pulling her hair back.

Erwin looked at where she motioned and saw Lovino with two girls under his arms while talking to several of the younger men. "And you're not intimidated?"

Loki snorted. "As if he could do better than a woman that willingly gave birth to his child." She leaned over to kiss Vali's hair. “Be good for your uncle." She rose up slightly to give Erwin a kiss on the cheek. "You too, big guy. C'mon, Hange, we have a patient to treat.”

"Yes!" Hange grinned. "We'll talk later, Levi. Ma'am, can I take a muscle tissue sample this time? I promise it'll be small. Please?! I never get 'em while they're warm."

Loki smirked. "We'll see."

Erwin just stared as Loki walked off. What was she thinking, leaving a baby with him? He was an officer, not a nanny. What did he know about children anyway? He was never around them. He only ever saw children when he was leaving and reentering the Walls. He didn't know a single thing about them except that he had been one...many, many years ago.

"Mamma?" Vali asked him.

"She's gone, but she'll be back soon."

For a while, it was easy. Valentina was perfectly happy playing on the floor by his feet, so Erwin settled himself in his office at his desk to do a little bit of work. Shadis had put him in charge of organizing the next expedition with his strategic long range formation. The first try was a gorey disaster. They lost a lot of good soldiers as well as Levi's two companions.

“Mamma.”

Erwin peered over the top of his papers. Vali had pulled herself up and was holding onto the edge of the desk, big golden eyes fixed on Erwin.

“Yes?”

“Mamma. Mamma-mamma-mamma."

Perhaps he needed to speak as if she were a peer. That's what Loki did, and it seemed to work. “Yes, Valentina?”

Vali started to grunt and lifted her arms up. She started whimpering. As soon as that started, Erwin was done for. She was just as bewitching as her mother. Erwin eyed the notes he’d been poring over and sighed, saving his work and bending to scoop Valentina up into his arms. She giggled in delight, hands fisting the fabric of Erwin's shirt to keep upright.

"I can't really play with you."

Vali just grinned and chewed on her teething block. She was fine after that. She hardly made a noise and only fidgeted to switch positions or get him to pick up a toy if she dropped it which was surprisingly rare for a toddler of her age. The afternoon hours crept up on him though, and soon, Valentina began to get fussy. She started squirming and crying and her face was getting red. Then Erwin remembered. He was supposed to put her down for a nap.

"Alright, alright," Erwin started walking around the room as he bounced her in his arms, hoping to get her to settle down. He started humming random notes as he felt a wet, snotty face bury itself in his neck. It almost reminded him of when he'd comfort Loki.

After she'd been quiet for a while, Erwin pulled her away from the crook of his neck and saw her tiny olive toned eyelids. As he watched her, he couldn't help but be fond of her. She was a beautiful little thing, and more importantly, she was humanity's future. He sat in his chair again as Vali breathed softly against his neck. Nothing prepared him for the sudden warm, glowing feeling he was getting. Shit, he was getting soft.

Valentina's face was still damp with tears, so he very gently wiped the wetness away with a thumb.

* * *

 

Loki finally managed to get away from the infirmary. After two hours in surgery and stitching some idiot's forehead up, she got loaded with paperwork to sign by a fresh cadet. She always made them read the paperwork and then tell her the summary. After an hour of that, she was finally able to get away and go find her daughter and Erwin. She walked to his office and listened at the door.

Concerned, Loki opened the door silently. She wouldn't put it past that punk Levi to attack Erwin again while he was watching her baby. Ever since that little expedition, she kept a firm watch on their new addition. Ever since she first saw him, she didn't trust him because that look in his eye reminded her too much of herself. He was capable of pretty much anything, including killing a man while his guard was down because there was a baby in his arms.

“Vali?” she called. “Erwin?”

She peeked in and saw Erwin slightly reclined in his seat with Valentina resting on his chest. They were both sound asleep. Loki grinned and quietly crept over before shaking Erwin gently. She’d be sketching this little scene in the near future. When he came to, Loki noticed how he shielded her baby. She smiled softly at him.

“You survived,” she murmured softly, being careful to not wake her baby.

"It appears so."

"Was she too much trouble?"

"Hardly. She just fussed a little bit. She's very well behaved."

Loki's eyebrow shot up. "You sound surprised."

He blushed. "I...uh, didn't mean it like that."

Loki kissed the side of his mouth. "I know," she whispered, running her thumb over his lips.

"Loki, we can't. You're a mother now, and-"

"And what? Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I give up on what I want. I'm too selfish for that,” she tried to kiss him but he jerked his head to the side. Loki frowned. “Still, I should get her back to Lovino so they can head home before it gets too dark."

"Indeed," he choked out as he handed Vali to her and showed her to the door. "Goodnight, Chief Medical Officer Smith."

Loki tensed. He was putting distance between them even now. She tightened her hold on Vali and started walking away, not saying a word. She couldn’t break down now. She’d do it later when she was alone in her room where she could torture herself with thoughts of what would never be. She’d never be with the man she loved; instead she’d be held at arm’s length by him until one of them died either in their line of work or from old age. The latter Loki hoped wouldn’t be the case. She couldn’t handle a lifetime of being secretly unhappy.


	21. Chapter 21

When Hanji begged Loki for some of her good liquor, naturally she was curious as to why. Hanji wasn't one for drinking; she said it made her "brain feel itchy." When she explained it was for a drinking game among some of the other officers, Loki was all in. Hell, she even brought out her good stuff imported from the interior made from blue agave, a rare plant harvested by only one stuffy plantation. When she got to the mess hall, she busted out laughing. There sat Mike, Erwin and a very disgruntled Levi. The man looked like an indignant cat. Not that it was much of a change from his usual.

It would be an eye opener to be sure. Loki knew Erwin rarely drank anything stronger than wine or cheap mead the Corps provided for celebrations. She knew nothing about Levi, but she knew Mike got horny when he was drunk. Oh, yes. She needed to be here for this game. It was a good thing Loki decided to join in. Loki sat between Hanji and Erwin, sitting out the two bottles she was willing to spare from her secret stash.

"What kind of booze is that?" Mike asked, eyes lighting up in awe. He too was an alcohol connoisseur though he wasn’t as much of a drunk as Loki.

"And where did you get it from?" Erwin asked suspiciously. Alcohol wasn't allowed in military quarters unless it was government sanctioned, but that shit was weaker than piss. Tasted even worse.

"An alcoholic never reveals their secret stash, brother mine," Loki said slyly.

"This is going to be awesome," Hanji gushed. "Okay, the person whose birthday is closest starts. It's called 'I Have Never'. We take turns saying something we've never done. If you've done it, take a shot and explain yourself, because we're a bunch of nosy bastards."

"Fuck," Loki groaned. "I'm screwed."

"Who's birthday is closest? It's Juni, right? So what months are our birthdays?" Mike asked.

"Oktober," Erwin said as Hanji started pouring shots.

"Dezember," Levi grumbled. Something told Loki he was coerced by a certain glasses-wearing female to even be here.

"Noemvri," Mike said as he sniffed the alcohol before sneezing. "Fuck, that's strong."

"Septemvri for me! What about you, boss?" Hanji elbowed Loki gently. Of course, Hanji was about as gentle as a horse. Loki would probably have a big bruise where her rib used to be.

"Don't know. Never really had a birthday until I was adopted. Celebrated in...Dezember usually. Around New Year's."

"So, it's me!" Hanji cheered. "Okay, I've never...slept with someone within an hour of meeting them."

Loki and Mike were the only two to do shots. Mike said he met a girl while drunk in some city he couldn't remember. Loki explained her previous...career with as little detail as possible. Loki didn't know if she should've been disgusted or humored that Mike wanted to know more.

"Your turn, boss,” Hanji nodded towards Loki.

"I've never had a date."

Everyone, including mister Levi No-Sex-Drive himself took a shot on that one. They all seemed so amazed that she was married but had never dated. She and her husband fucked five times and then they got married. Big deal. Not everyone married for love or even courted either.

Erwin was next. "I've never done drugs."

That time, Levi and Loki took shots. Loki glared darkly at Erwin. He knew she did that. Crafty bastard. Go ahead, pretend you're not smirking. Jackass.

Mike went next. Another shot. Levi went next. Loki took a shot. Every fucking time Loki had to take a shot! Loki was beginning to feel a bit tingly in her fingers. Everyone else seemed fine, but Loki was already buzzed. Didn't these people ever have any fun? She knew Erwin had a stick up his ass but still.

"Second round!" Hanji cheered. "I've never smoked."

Everyone but Levi and Erwin took shots on that one. Bunch of lame asses. Fuck, her legs were all jiggly and weird, and why the hell was it so hot?! She was so going to lose big time.

"I've never...what the fuck haven't I done? I've never...drank milk."

"What? Wow, that kind of explains the height. Why?" Hanji asked.

"Who'd drink a liquid from a cow tit?"

Apparently everyone but Loki.

"I've never intentionally killed someone,” Erwin explained.

Loki took a drink without thinking along with Levi. Shit! Erwin didn’t know about any of that. How was she going to explain that she killed her brother's fiancée? She could always lie and tell them it was outside the walls, or self-defense. Shit, everyone was looking at her. Erwin was looking at her with something odd in his gaze. It was as if he was offended she didn't tell him of such things. Well, if he wasn't fucking her, he wasn't getting any information.

"Mercy killing. Put them out of their misery on the table." Well, that was at least partially true. She did kill her on the surgical table. It could be considered a mercy killing since she would’ve made that bitch’s life a living hell.

"Levi?"

"What the fuck do you expect? I killed because people got in the way. Underground isn’t a fucking fairytale."

By now, both Levi and Loki were looking worse for wear. Everyone else was only lightly drunk. Levi was nearly plastered, and Loki was, well...she was beyond that. She had started swaying and thinking how close she was to Erwin. She leaned against him with a groan, taking shots when necessary. In between those too-often shots, Loki had started brushing her hand against Erwin's inner thigh. At first, he jumped, but then he just started turning red and trying to inconspicuously shake her off, but a drunk Loki was a determined Loki. What began as a soft graze of his leg soon turned into firmly palming the blonde’s crotch with said blonde biting his tongue and hiding his face by rubbing it as if tired, a strong flush creeping its way up his neck and chest. Loki nearly cackled at that.

"Hanji, you're up!" Mike cheered. By now, everyone was drunk as hell.

"Alrighty, I've never not wanted to see Titans procreate."

Silence. Everyone took shots.

Levi was scowling. "Titans can't fuck, dumbass."

"I said procreate, not fuck. What if they're like, asexual and split off into two Titans? Though it would be cool to watch them breed if they could. Wouldn't that be cool?"

"No," Levi and Loki said in near unison.

"Aw come on, think about it."

"Hell no,” Levi snapped.

"You're no fun."

"Deal with it, shitty glasses."

During the heated debate, Loki smirked triumphantly as Erwin's hips suddenly jerked into her hand. Erwin grunted softly, hiding it by taking another shot.

"I've not had an orgasm in a year. That count as a never?" Loki giggled.

"Damn," Mike coughed. Everyone took shots. "Gotta talk to that husband of yours."

"He's more like a wife," she said before she and Mike burst into a fit of drunk giggles.

Suddenly Erwin jerked away from her hand on his dick, explaining that he needed to get Loki to her room because she felt a bit warm. Loki tried to protest, saying she wanted to keep playing, but he hastily jerked her up and started dragging her towards his room and office. However, his nearly sober steps were causing Loki to drag. With a huff, he bent and hefted her over his shoulder. She groaned at the change in direction, causing her gorge to rise. Loki's face cracked into a massive grin as she grabbed his amazing ass and he jumped.

As soon as they were in the room, Loki was crowded against the wall with cool, smooth lips pressed against hers. For a moment, she was frozen with shock. Was…was Erwin kissing her? Moisture clouded Loki’s vision as she shut her eyes and wrapped her arms around his thick neck. She could feel the cords of muscle shift as he tilted his mouth to match hers. Gods, she’d wanted this for as long as she could remember. To be as close to him as possible. He hadn't kissed her on the mouth in years, and it actually brought caused tears to drip from her eyes. He was finally reciprocating her feelings. After all this time, she had finally broken through and made him understand. Her stomach was in her throat as she ran her fingers through his slicked back hair, wanting to destroy the neat and professional wall he always put up when she was nearby. She wanted to make sure he could never put that wall up again.

When he finally pulled away, he smiled and wiped her cheeks of moisture. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"I think I have a pretty good ide-hih." She hiccupped at the end of her sentence. She could feel her cheeks heat up in embarrassment, something she hadn’t felt since before she got married.

Erwin blinked at her before he smiled and ran his thumb over her cheek. “You've always have had the cutest hiccups.”

“Is that so? What else is cute about me?” she mumbled, moving to press closer to Erwin.

“I love your voice and the way you smile. I love how gentle and loving you can be...and then how vicious you can be to anyone else,” he whispered, brushing his nose against her cheek as he kissed her ear. “I love how your skin always feels hot to the touch and how bright of a gold hue your eyes have. I love how you always know just what to say even if you could use a bit of tact.”

Loki moaned before chuckling. "We're so fucking hammered." She wasted no time in undoing the leather straps all across her body, pulling her shirt off and jerkily tearing away her pants before slamming her mouth back onto his.

She felt a large hand undoing her hair before snaking around her head to pull her into a hungry kiss. Loki’s stomach was fluttering with anticipation. When Erwin finally pulled away to lift Loki so she could hook her legs around his waist, his hands were suddenly everywhere. Loki groaned and started unbuttoning his shirt. She stopped though to suck on Erwin's thick, muscle-corded neck, just below the ear.

Erwin groaned as her teeth locked on. "L-Loki...ah, stop. I-I can't cover t-that up. Shit."

"That's the point," she growled. “I’m making sure everyone knows you’re fucking mine.”

She moved on, bending herself to start biting and licking at that god-like chest. She had wanted to do that for years. Ever since he came back from training with a fucking washboard for a stomach. She used her nails on his nipples, enjoying the way he grunted and shoved her into the wall gently as his hips bucked into hers. Her hands reached down to start pulling away his straps that she could reach before going for the zipper of his pants. When she pulled him from his pants, she moaned. He was hung like a fucking moose. That would need some prep after two years of Lovino's wimpy dick. She pushed Erwin's mouth away as he bit her nipple harshly, making her tug his hair with a gasp.

"Sit on the bed. C'mon, moose, back it up," she purred as she sucked his earlobe in between her teeth, making him moan.

As soon as Erwin was sitting on the bed, Loki pulled his pants the rest of the way off, shoving his legs apart so she could kneel between them. She pressed a kiss to the tip of his cock and gave him an experimental lick. She grinned as Erwin's head fell back and he collapsed onto his elbows. The next lick went from root to tip in a wide stripe. Her tongue curled around the girth before she pulled off and then leaned right back in, taking the head into her mouth.

She whimpered around his cock when it reached the back of her throat and she still had a few centimeters to go. Bloody hell, he was massive. She dragged her tongue around him as she pushed further. Erwin moaned when his cock popped out of Loki's mouth, and Loki just grinned.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yes," he growled back.

Then Loki's mouth was back around his cock, sucking it in with a wet, squelching sound. Her cheeks were hollowed as her eyes flutter closed. Then Erwin's hips bucked forward, and it startled Loki, making her begin to pull off for a breath. Then Erwin was touching her forehead with trembling fingers and twisted them into her hair.

"Don't stop," he asked, hoarse and wretched. "Please."

Loki opted to hold his hips steady but went back to working on him with mouth and tongue and fingers. She heard his head thud back against the mattress, making her chuckle around his cock. His hips shoved forward, but Loki's grip on them was steady and sure, and the rhythm she found was good. Then he was suddenly coming into her mouth, making her jump back and cough.

"Sorry."

"S'fine," she said, wiping her mouth and crawling up over him. "Just warn me next time."

Suddenly, Loki was on her back as Erwin locked his lips onto hers and manhandled her into the center of the bed. His hand snaked through her hair, tipping her head back, not giving either of them a chance to breathe as he ravaged her mouth. Erwin started pulling away the binding around her chest gingerly with one hand as his other splayed across her lower back to support her as he gently thrust his half hard cock against her stomach.

"Fuck, Erwin. What's with all this youngster stamina?" she moaned as he moved to look at what he was unwrapping.

“Do you even know what you’re doing to me right now?” he asked, his words labored.

As much as he tried to keep his composure and slow himself down, his thrusts against her clothed hips only became more insistent, and the hand gripping her waist from behind began squeezing rhythmically to match his pace. Loki rolled her hips in search of friction where she needed it, but the angle was off, leaving her restless and frustrated. She giggled when Erwin just stared at her bare chest, stopping his thrusts as if to focus solely on that part of her. The laugh abruptly became a groan as his lips latched onto her left nipple.

Long, calloused fingers trailed across her skin and curled harshly into her ass, fingertips pressing in hard and insistent. The heated contact sent a jolt of sensation through her body with a breathy moan. He was everywhere at once with one hand caressing the curve of her ass, lips devouring the soft skin of her neck and shoulders, the other hand cupping her breast, massaging it in his palm while nimble fingertips pulled her nipple into a peak.

"I've imagined this ever since you got married to that idiot to make me jealous. I've wanted to devour every part of you," he growled. Fuck. He really was drunk. She hadn't heard him be so blunt since she first joined the Scouts. His mouth slipped to her chest and then further until he reached her undergarments. They were black lace: a wedding gift from one of their training buddies in the Military Police.

Something seemed to click in his mind then because all at once his lips left her skin. His eyes drank in the sight of her bare skin as he ran his hands reverently from her ankles all the way up to her hips where his name was carved so many years ago. His fingers play along the edge of the black lace. Heat pooled in Loki’s stomach as she watched his fingers dance across her scars as if they were sacred text. She expected him to tug them off impatiently, but instead he stilled his fingers as if contemplating his next move in exact detail. Typical Erwin. The momentary pause only served to strengthen the jolt of pleasure that surged down to her toes when his middle finger rubbed directly over her clit.

"Bloody fucking hell!" Without thinking, her hand grabbed onto Erwin’s wrist, trying to escape the sudden stimulation but also demanding more.

The teasing finger trailed down to play in the wetness he had created. Adding another finger, he pressed in slightly, rubbing in small circles. Her body slowly drew him in but the layer of lace frustratingly prevented his fingers from slipping further in. Then his mouth was on her ear. "Let's get these out of the way."

"Oh shit, Erwin," she gasped as she kissed his jaw. "Whoever taught you to fuck taught you really, really well. I haven't been this turned on in years."

"Shhh," he cooed as he played her like a virgin.

He cupped the curvature of her upper thigh and lifted her slightly. He continued to hold her delicately as he bent to tug at the lace with his teeth, working the fabric over her ass slowly. He sat her down once he’d gotten the panties to her thighs, but he didn't release them from his mouth. Instead, he continued working them down her legs before flinging them to the floor. He splayed his hand across her stomach, pushing down gently. Propped up on her elbows, Loki tracked every hungry, sloppy kiss that he gave as he headed back up her legs.

He dropped onto his stomach in between her legs that he shoved over his massive shoulders. At the first slide of his tongue across her clit, Loki dropped flat onto the bed, a punctuated scream filling the otherwise silent room. She hadn't had this done since the night she lost her virginity to her boss. No one wanted to mouth fuck a whore, and Lovino thought it was dirty. Erwin let out a slightly pained noise as her fingers settled in his hair and pulled, but his mouth never left her clit. The flick of his tongue intensified and he spread his lips to create suction.

“Erwin!”

She wanted to tell him it was too much. She could finally breathe again when he took his lips off her and paused for a moment to look at her. She briefly wondered if they were waking up the entire Legion, but she couldn't give a damn when two huge fingers sank in without resistance. Loki bit into her lip with renewed force to muffle a loud sob. He pumped them in and out slowly. Pressing in again, he scissored his fingers and twisted his wrist, spreading her wider each time.

“Erwin,” she whined breathlessly. “I…I need…”

“Can you take one more?"

Before she could answer, he slipped another in and resumed the unyielding twisting. When he began working over her clit with his thumb, her legs started shaking. Familiar heat built up in her belly and radiated deep inside, creeping up her spine and intensifying with each passing second. Every inch of her skin tingled on the edge of explosion. The hand not buried in her tight heat snaked its way up to her stomach and rested just below her belly button. Tears formed in the corner of Loki’s eyes, her voice was wrecked and lips swollen from trying unsuccessfully to bite back mewls of ecstasy, her inner walls clenched rapidly around his fingers as her orgasm hit with unbelievable force.

She was completely limp after that, labored breathing ringing in her ears and filling the room. Her body was humming when he finally slipped his fingers out to soothingly run his hands up and down her thighs, helping to bring her down from her high.

Finally pulling away and straightening, his frame loomed over her, exuding even more confidence than usual., he scooped her up, his large arms easily encircling her. Tipping back slightly, she kissed him slowly. Erwin gave her a hum of approval when she tried to smooth his shaggy hair back into place. Her legs tightened around his hips as he pulled her along with him to rest against the headboard. Loki ran her hand down his neck and chest and down to where his cock was jutting against her thigh. She gripped him loosely and slowly sank down onto his cock, seating herself flush on his lap in one go.

Both gasped, pressing their sweaty foreheads together. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he thrust shallowly into her. Powerful thrusts came with increasing frequency though, and with each one, Loki scrambled for purchase, her breath hot in his ear. He rolled his hips, teasing the walls of her entrance, sending small bursts of pleasure to her clit. She began pumping in time with him, coming down hard on his cock to meet his thrusts. Every slap of skin was accompanied by a tense grunt from Erwin, trying in vain to hold onto his emotional floodgates. Placing both hands on his shoulders, Loki held him still as she let all but the very tip of his dick escape before working back down, moving her hips in tight circles as she went.

Erwin threw his head back, mouth open but no sound escaping. Hands on her ass, he pulled her to his chest and pumped his hips. “I love you,” he whispered brokenly, his voice wrecked.

"I love you too," she groaned, running her nails down his back.

Slamming into her hard one last time, his grip on her ass became bruisingly tight as his orgasm crashed over him. His hands scrambled over her, squeezing everywhere like he was drowning, whimpering softly against her neck. Loki sighed happily and held his face in her hands. His face was the perfect picture of fucked-out, cheeks glowing with a sheen of sweat on his forehead. At first, his eyes were a bit hazy from orgasm but they quickly focused on her. She pressed her forehead to his, releasing a breath she didn’t know she'd been holding.

He sighed quietly and lazily arched his head to pull her into a kiss. Loki purred and swept a few errant hairs off his forehead. He stroked the side of her face tenderly as she slid her hands up and down his arms, soothing the muscles hidden under that beautiful golden skin.

“I never knew you were such a sex fiend,” Loki smirked.

Erwin chuckled and placed a chaste kiss to her sternum before laying back in the bed, pulling her down to lay beside him. Loki was going to argue about the fact that he was manhandling her too much, but post-sex drowsiness mixed with alcohol took her voice and consciousness.


	22. Chapter 22

Damn. How would she break this to him? Loki had never considered the possibility that she would get pregnant after that drunk one night stand with Erwin. Who expects that kind of shit though? Despite the implications, she was actually a bit excited now that she let the thought fester in her head. She was pregnant again. Going to be a mom all over again. The best part was that it would be hers and Erwin's. Of course, she loved Vali more than life itself or Erwin for that matter but having a baby with Erwin was like flying.

She just didn't know how Erwin would take the news. The morning after, Loki had been watching him sleep, but when he woke up, he looked mortified. He jumped away like she was on fire and told her she needed to leave. After a day or two of crying and a depressive episode, Loki was still trying to forget the way his voice turned into harsh steel when he ordered her out of his bed and his room. He was all she could think about now. Hell, she still had faint, yellowing finger-shaped bruises on her hips. Erwin was as stoic as ever though. In fact, he was in the process of drowning himself in paperwork just to have an excuse to get away from her. She knew being Lieutenant Commander was a tough job, but it couldn't be _that_ tough.

She should have known something was off when she started getting overheated every time she so much as breathed. Out of nowhere, she'd start sweating and would have to take ice baths just to get comfortable. At the time, she blamed it on the weather. The second sign came a few weeks later when her nose and gums started bleeding like fucking fountains. She could just barely sneeze or bite into something and suddenly she was sucking down on a cup of iron.

The one that tipped her off was waking up one morning with bad hip pain that reminded her of being pregnant with Vali during her third trimester. When the pregnancy test came back positive, she didn't know whether or not to be terrified or ecstatic. It could only be Erwin's. Loki hadn't had sex with Lovino in months. She already had a cover story for it though, so no one would be suspicious when Loki announced her pregnancy.

Loki stopped in front of Erwin's door and considered retreating, but Loki was not going to start playing chicken now. Not after all this time of trying to get him into her clutches. Loki took a moment to listen. She heard a quiet "Focus, Smith" and a few sighs. She steeled herself and knocked loudly. She thought she could hear papers rustling inside.

"What is it?" he called, his voice full of the same authority that he used to force her from his bed.

Loki walked in without another word and locked the door behind her. She glared at him when he bristled and moved to go back to a rather small, pitiful looking pile of papers. With a scowl she sat on the desk and crossed her legs. He glanced up at her as though she were nothing more than a breeze before pushing his seat back.

"Was there something you needed, Major?"

Loki locked her jaw. "I'm pregnant."

Erwin froze. His eyes went straight to her stomach, her face and then her stomach again. "You're...what?"

"You heard me. You're going to be a father. Congrats."

He was up out of his chair. Holy shit, she'd never seen him so unwired by something. He looked pale, and he was messing his hair with his fingers as he paced, looking up at her in shock and sometimes anger occasionally. He continued that for a while before sitting again and glaring at his desk as his fingers thrummed against the wood beside her thigh. Cold, calculating, charismatic Erwin had come for a visit. Loki hated that Erwin with a fucking passion. Pissed her off to no end. He was a symbol of the mask he used to push away or hurt her after their father was killed.

"How did this happen, Loki? I thought you took herbs for this. It was only one night. One time. It was all just a simple mistake."

Loki's whole body locked up in one smooth motion like the gates of the Walls falling into place. "Well, you're the genius," she snapped back. "Think about it. Or did dad never have that talk with you? He sure as hell never did with me."

He glared at the mention of their father with eyes that could kill.

"Then again, I learned from working the streets when you abandoned me to 'avenge' our father."

"My father."

Loki felt all the air leave her lungs and the color drain from her face. Erwin had never said anything like that to her before. Never brought up the fact that she was adopted. A stray picked up off the streets to be kept like some domesticated monster. He stood and turned his back on her to look out the window at the training troops below. Loki felt tears spill over her eyelashes in little droplets while her face remained in its shocked state.

"How pregnant are you?" he asked in a professional manner.

"Three months...give or take."

"It's the fourth year. I'll give you leave to get the procedure done in the Capitol. There should be very few complications, right?"

"What if...what if I want to keep it?"

"It's your choice, of course," he added unconvincingly. He was trying to manipulate her like he did everyone else.

"Why is this such an...issue?" she asked, still grasping at straws, trying to salvage the happiness she'd felt only minutes before.

"Because you're married, and I can't be tied down."

That snapped her out of her shock almost immediately. Her face flushed and her blood was on fire, leaving destruction in its wake. "Oh really?" Loki snarled as she stood and stared up at him. He was a whole 30 centimeters taller than her, so it likely looked quite comical. "Like Thrudr would've tied you down had she lived to get that fucking ring you still hide in your desk?! Like all those other bitches would tie you down?!" she screamed.

"Loki-"

She slapped him. "Shut the fuck up! I'm talking! Would it be a burden like I am?! Like the ones you tried to use to get away from me when all you wanted was to fuck my ass?!" The entire Corps could likely hear her. Good. "How about you try being a grown ass man and accepting the consequences of your actions?!"

"Loki-"

"For someone who wants humanity to thrive so badly, you're sure as hell eager to snuff it out!" she snarled as she marched out.

-/-/-

It had been an extremely long two weeks for Erwin. He'd been such an idiot, letting his emotions control and get the best of him. He was better than that. He needed to be if he was going to achieve his goal. In a moment of weakness though, he hurt her. It was a knee-jerk response to lash out at her when she told him the baby was his. He panicked, needed to cover their tracks. If his enemies knew he had a kid, they'd use it to control him. He couldn't be tied down. That was no excuse for what he did to her though. There wasn't an excuse on Earth that could cover the awful things he said to her.

It was eating away at him ever since then. It had been hard enough trying to keep Loki out of his thoughts before her little announcement. Now it was nearly impossible. He would think of the way her flushed skin looked when he kissed her throat or what a child of theirs might look like. He would imagine lying beside Loki as she grew with their baby, and it was destroying him. Destroying every part of him he tried to build up in order to further his goals and keep others at arm’s length.

He had tried to talk to her, but every time he tried she had a new excuse to throw in his face before walking off. He sometimes wondered if she was doing it to punish him. To make him feel what she felt when he did the same to her. If she was, it was working. He needed to fix this. He wouldn't be able to get anything done unless he did. She had taken a personal day, and he was going to use the opportunity.

When he barged into her room, he noticed the stacks of books and paper scattered all over her desk and in some corners of the room. Levi would have a stroke if he came in here. Then he saw Loki in her bed resting fitfully. She was paler than usual and had purplish bruises under her eyes from lack of sleep. She hadn't eaten in a while either judging by the looseness off her nightdress. He glanced down at her stomach where her, no, where their baby was growing. She whimpered in her sleep and rolled onto her back, revealing more skin and curves than he needed to see. He swallowed reflexively and moved towards the bed, careful not to wake her as he sat down. She was beautiful.

Her eyes fluttered open as soon as he ran his thumb over her pale cheek. At first, she moved towards him, but when she realized it was him, she glared and slapped his hand away. "Why the hell are you here? Don’t you know how to knock?”

"I wanted to speak with you."

Loki's posture didn't scream for Erwin to go away, so he assumed she wouldn't try to force him to leave. He reached out a hand and touched hers. The skin was warm and dry. She was probably dehydrated to top everything else off.

"There is nothing we need to talk about," she snapped, turning so her back was to him. He would've smiled at her childish behavior had it been in any other circumstance.

Erwin helplessly made contact with the back of Loki's neck and stayed quiet. He could feel her trembling, feel the quiet sobs as they shocked her body. He could hear her soft, gasping breathes and her sniffling. He was a man of action, and he knew words weren't helping. Hesitantly, his fingers began to massage because it was the only thing he could think to do to try and comfort her.

To his surprise, Loki started to calm. First, the choking gasps subsided, and then the tension in her back and shoulders slipped out of her muscles. Another few moments resulted in an end to the terrible shaking. After a few seconds of no movement or sound, Erwin wondered if Loki had fallen asleep. He definitely didn't expect the small, breathy moan. It startled his fingers into stillness. But then the tension returned, and he started stroking again.

Carefully, he inched forward. The sheets wrinkled as Erwin gently pulled Loki against his chest before lying on his side. As she squirmed closer, he pressed his lips to her tangled hair. The action enticed another moan, and Loki finally looked at him. Red, puffy eyes surrounded such masked vulnerability that Erwin had to kiss her again, this time on the forehead.

"Erwin," she whispered. "Do you hate me?"

"Never."

"Am I d-disgusting?"

He planted a kiss on Loki's cheek. "Of course not."

"You're lying," she mumbled, trying to get away, but Erwin's arms allowed for no release.

His hands rose and framed the curve of Loki's jaw, tracing the outline of her birthmark that now only covered her neck and the lower portion of her chin. "You are not disgusting. You are my sister, and I love you. Nothing will change that. Do you understand?"

"I'm a street rat. Domesticated pig. Filthy animal."

"Loki, I'm serious," Erwin said coldly. "I need you to understand that I love you as a brother, first and foremost. But that doesn't change what I said that night. Do you remember?"

Loki nodded. Her breathing slowed as Erwin ran his fingers through her hair and pressed his lips to her own. Much like their relationship, the kiss began with chaste, simple, brief kisses that evolved to include hot tongues, gentle moans and nipping teeth. He could smell a faint floral soap on her, feel her chest crushed against his. He could barely keep himself from looking at the smooth white thighs that were exposed under the nightdress she wore as she hooked her leg over his hip.

Loki pulled away though and looked at him warily. "You don't love me this way."

"I love you in every way." It was unlike him, to be lain so bare with all his secrets and insecurities open for anyone to see, but he trusted Loki enough to let down those barriers, something he never did for anyone else.

Erwin carefully rolled her over onto her back and slid his hand under her nightdress. She jumped at his touch at first, but she moaned as it slid up to find a lack of undergarments. He blushed and kissed her neck, cupping her ass and squeezing. She tilted her head to the side to give him better access as her warm fingers slid under his shirt and over his broad shoulders to begin pulling it off him.

Erwin began to kiss down the line of her throat and down her collarbone. He slid a finger into the intersection of her neckline and pulled down on the intrusive fabric, eyes on hers as his tongue trailed lower. She shrugged the straps off her shoulders, allowing him to free her from the confines of the nightdress with a good, solid jerk. He cupped one of her lily-white breasts in one hand, firm and full from motherhood, and gave it a tight squeeze, massaging generously. His lips descended on her nipple, licking and sucking with fervor, rolling it lightly between his teeth and tongue as he watched her try to control her breathing. He attended to her other nipple with his fingers, twisting and pulling mercilessly, hand on her ass pulling her taut against him as he pressed their hips together, and he bit down, earning a sharp gasp.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in for an embrace. She reciprocated, nestling against his body and turning her head inwards, mouth against his neck. Erwin smirked into her hair and pulled the skirt of her nightdress up, sliding his hand between her legs.

“Erwin!” she gasped, pressing her body against his partially bared torso and cradling the back of his head with her hands as she clutched at his hair.

She was wet and slick and hot and gorgeous. With some degree of satisfaction, he absorbed her sudden spasms of writhing, her moaning music to his ears until he felt her muscles twitching and tightening around his fingers. Loki's back arched with a long moan. Erwin smiled as he contemplated reversing their positions, spreading her legs, replacing his fingers with his tongue. He quickly dismissed the idea, focusing on the task at hand and maintaining his pace until she finally came in shuddered pulses, with a slow, shaky breath.

She collapsed against him, not particularly responsive as Erwin spread her out on the bed, removing his shirt completely. He propped her up with pillows and let her rest her head on his shoulder as he lay beside her, resting a hand on her leg and running it upwards, coarse fingers tracing out slow lines along the smooth skin of her inner thigh. Loki let out a slow breath, shivering slightly as he lingered on a particularly sensitive spot and spreading her legs so he could go further. What he did, instead, was keep skimming his fingers along delicate skin, pressing his palm down and massaging coaxingly.

“Erwin," Loki sighed, trying to press herself against him.

He gave her a little smile and gently gripped both her thighs, moving them to bend upwards, giving him clear access to her lower region. He directed her hands to hold them up herself and positioned himself properly, kneeling before her, one hand in the sheets and the other hand working her, thumb rubbing slow circles over her clit. Loki groaned, low and soft, closing her eyes and tilting her head back, rolling her hips encouragingly in time with each motion he made. He alternated between thumbing her clit and running his fingers along her slit, just enough variation to keep her satisfied but not quite on the brink of climax. His eyes, however, were on her face, drinking in each contorted expression she made every time he pressed a little harder or moved a little faster. She started to moan louder, punctuating each little hitch and gasp until he realized she was beginning to tremble and her chest was heaving with exertion.

Erwin slowed to a complete stop and leaned forward, hovering over her, biting back the smirk at the expectant squirming. His lips pressed kisses against the quivering skin of her inner thigh as he pushed them taut against her chest with his hands. He licked along the curve of her leg, trailing heat as he moved dangerously close but stopping short to bite down on the softness of her sensitive flesh, holding her down as his teeth broke the skin and drew blood, sucking to encourage the bruise that would form. He kissed back up to her calf, eyes smiling as they connected with hers, and after a time he returned to that fleshy spot near her groin to make another bruise.

He was in the midst of tracing little circles with his tongue when she finally let loose a frustrated whine. Her eyes were misty and unfocused, cheeks flush red, lips wet and parted as she gasped for breath. She was trembling and had gotten particularly wet. Maybe he had teased her a little too much. Smiling warmly, he sucked on her clit, rubbing it with his tongue and licking lower, boring into her with it, sliding in and out and eventually focusing on just that as he supplemented her neglected clit with well-aimed fingers. He felt her writhing wildly underneath him, screaming something that may well have been his name, and when she came, she did so with a violent jerk and a full moan. Her body suspended in place for a moment and her widened eyes stared at nothing, mouth open, muscles tense, and after a moment or two, her entire body relaxed into the bed. Her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing, though short, became more even. Her hands and legs fell to the bed uselessly, and she lolled her head to the side.

“You should seriously teach a class. Holy shit,” she commented lazily.

Erwin smirked right back, leaning into the hand propping him up on the bed as Loki slowly sat up and crept towards him, palming the bulge in his pants. She ghosted her lips across his jaw as she rubbed it, licking his earlobe and breathing softly into his ear, other hand exploring the firm expanse of his torso. Erwin's eyes fluttered momentarily, enjoying the attention. It had been a long time since he'd received such affections. Then she was sliding down onto the floor between his legs, hastily unzipping his trousers as he licked his lips and threaded his fingers through her hair.

“It’s gotten long,” he murmured off-hand, briefly letting a particularly long lock of hair fall through his fingers like water.

“You like it?” she asked. "You rarely see it down."

“Yes.”

He gripped her hair and guided her as she closed her mouth around his cock and began to suck, moving her head rapidly. She didn’t seem to mind the hair pulling, and Erwin filed that fact away for future use. Loki licked along the length of his cock, sucking on the tip as her hand gripped the base firmly and began to pump. He rocked his hips rhythmically, tightening his grip on her hair and directing her once he couldn’t take it anymore. Erwin thrust into her mouth, forcing her down on him for a good minute or so before releasing her. She pulled back, coughing out the pre-come that had gotten caught in her throat before she wiped her mouth and grinned.

Then she grabbed both her breasts and squeezed them on either side of his cock. She pressed them together, enveloping him as much as she could and he began to thrust again, eyes half-closed and groaning as he threaded his fingers in her hair and gripped tightly. She tilted her head back slightly, meeting his eyes with that devilish curve of a smile, and dipped a little lower to lick the tip of his cock as it slid into her cleavage. He swore with a growl, forcing her head down again with another thrust and he came into her mouth. Erwin closed his eyes, shuddering as Loki sucked out pulse after pulse of orgasm, and when he was done, he slouched, letting her go and running a hand through his own hair, a total mess now.

She shot him an amused smile as she slid up his body. He opted to remain silent as she slid beside him on the bed, looping her arms around him. Loki gently cupped his other cheek and pulled him in, sliding a finger along the line of his jaw and over his Adam’s apple, down his throat to his collarbone. She pressed her hand flat against his chest under the shirt and touched him lazily, resting her head against his shoulder, appreciating the firmness of the muscle. He loosely wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her as her own hands crept lower to pull off his belt and trousers. Her eyes landed on the bolo tie that was still gripped in the hand that held Erwin up on the bed. Her hands paused and she tilted her head back slightly to meet his eyes.

“Why're you still holding that?”

“Well,” Erwin said still catching his breath, more honest than usual in his afterglow. “I was wondering if I should tie you up or gag you.”

Loki's smile was lazy as she giggled coyly into his ear. “Don’t you think I’ve been well-behaved?” she cooed.

“Hardly,” Erwin replied. "You haven't been eating well and I doubt you've seen a doctor."

She sidled even closer, pressing herself against him in a way that drove him insane, and, with a sweet little smile, let her hand fall lower to very slowly palm his crotch. He bit back a groan. “Perhaps you’d like to instruct me in just what it is you consider good behavior.”

“I’m better off just gagging you,” Erwin replied dryly.

Loki arched a brow. “I thought you liked my mouth.”

With a smile, Erwin gently pushed her down. With a smirk, he thumbed her clit, earning a sudden spasm from the body beneath him.

“That’s enough foreplay,” Loki said, voice strained.

He nodded in agreement. He was quite tired of holding back.

Erwin nudged Loki's legs apart with his knees and leant over her, sliding his middle finger into her with ease. She was completely wet and he had no qualms completely stretching her apart, scissoring her with a deft touch. She groaned beneath him, clutching the sheets with one hand and rolling her breast with the other, squeezing it as she raised her hips and bucked, letting out sharp little keening noises that were altogether too wanton for his own good. He took the opportunity to grip himself and rub along her slit, savoring the quickened breaths that climbed in pitch as Loki trembled in anticipation.

She stilled when he pressed himself into her, closing her eyes and exhaling slowly, albeit shakily. Loki let out a cry as she threw her arms around his neck when he began to move at thundering speed, wrapping her legs around his waist and thrusting back against him with loud moans. He was being rough, holding her down and driving into her mercilessly.

They made a mad scramble to rip the unbuttoned shirt off his body. Erwin kissed her soundly before he ran a single hand along her thigh and up her leg, gripping it by the back of the knee and pinning it down, giving him more room to move and angle each thrust. His eyes, half-closed with pleasure, were transfixed on her face, hungrily taking in each sweet little contortion as he rolled his hips faster. She was wonderfully tight, squeezing around him as he buried himself in her, and with a sharp gasp, she began to grind back against him with an erratic fervor, moaning incomprehensibly.

The tension that strained his hips from the unbridled thrusting forced him to a staggered halt and he held himself over Loki, both of them catching their breaths for a good minute. He sat upright, still panting as he pulled out of her and shimmied out of his trousers, tossing them aside. She barely struggled, crying out softly when he slid forward and was once again enveloped by her. She squirmed, biting down on her lip as she waited for him to start driving into her, but he took his time. He moved back slowly, leaving nothing but the tip of himself inside, feeling her shudder, and he waited for as long as it took to make her moan his name insistently before he slid back into her, right to the base, agonizingly slow, and that set the pace.

Loki tried to thrust against him, tried to make him pick up the pace but he was much stronger than she was. She let out a sob, eyes misty and pleading as she gasped without any capacity for nonessential words. “Faster, Erwin.”

He ignored her.

The Lieutenant Commander wet his mouth as he continued to fuck her slowly, relishing the tremble that controlled her entire body as she writhed underneath him, moaning low, breath hitching with every motion. She clung to him, pleading shamelessly as she felt him lower his body onto hers, moving against her, mouth on her ear.

Erwin was vaguely aware that she had scraped her nails all the way down to his ass where her claws were dug in, trying to pull him into her. He continued to roll his hips into her, slowly but deeply, listening to each little note in her voice shiver higher at the friction between his cock and that elusive spot inside her, wanting so very badly to give into his body and just fuck her raw, but this was just as pleasurable for him as it was for her. He squeezed his eyes shut, sucked air through his teeth and soldiered on, grinding his hips just a little each time he slid into her.

He was barely aware of the hand that abandoned his neck in favor of snaking down into the little space between their bodies to splay out against the soft curls of hair; Loki rubbed furiously at her clit as her hips bucked against him. Her breathing became erratic once again and Loki closed her eyes, threw her head back, let out a long moan as she came. She tightened around Erwin and he just about slammed himself into her, but resisted the urge, remaining as still as possible as she rode out her orgasm. He waited patiently, watching her chest heaving in exertion as her head lolled to the side.

“That was cheating.”

“You were already punishing me. Fuck,” Her voice was hoarse and drowsy and breathless, tinged with a slightly winded laugh. “And if you’ve got to punish me some more, please don’t resort to that again.”

Erwin's response was a sedate smile. “You know you love being teased.”

“In moderation."

Erwin rolled his eyes. “You’ve come three times more than I have. Reparations are non-negotiable,” he said with an arched brow.

Loki still looked a little dazed, but that glitter of mischief had returned. “I’ll gladly comply...as long as you promise that there won’t be a repeat performance of that. Not tonight, at least,” she added with a sly grin.

“Done,” Erwin's clipped reply reflected his enthusiasm; he had effectively curled his arms around her body and pulled her up to straddle him. The angle drove him deeper into her and, still hypersensitive in the immediate aftermath of her orgasm, Loki let out a shudder, arms wrapped around his neck once again. He pressed a kiss to her lips as he leaned over and pulled open the drawer of her nightstand, fumbling around blindly in it for a moment before he pulled something out.

Loki stared at it. Erwin coughed self-consciously.

“You’re joking.”

“I won’t tease,” Erwin offered.

“That’s my dildo.”

“And it’s very nice. The point is that you’ll comply for as long as I don’t do this slowly,” he glossed over hurriedly. “And need I remind you that by the time we’re done with this…well, you’ll still have come twice more than I have. It’s only fair.”

Loki tore her eyes away from the phallus in Erwin's hand to stare at him quizzically for a good moment or two, just to puzzle over what he meant. And then her eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“I always am,” his response was quiet.

Loki let out a huff. “I was made aware when I discovered your physical lack of a sense of humor, but you’re talking about taking a-”

He gave her a look. “You act like you’ve never done it before.”

Loki halted mid-sentence, staring at him in bewilderment. She cocked her head towards him, infinitely more cautious as she regarded him with searching eyes. “Should I be acting like I have?”

“I’m not an idiot,” Erwin deadpanned. “I know you probably did it back then."

“Fine, fine, you got me,” Loki sighed. She traced a single finger along his jaw and lightly poked his cheek. “But that was ages ago. What are you, jealous or something?”

“I am not jealous,” he snapped.

“Unless you have a second penis I’m not aware of, it’s not like we could have done it,” she said, ignoring him. “Do you know how long it’s been since I've even had anal? For-freaking-ever, Jealouspants.”

“I’m not jealous. I don’t care about what you did back then. I don’t even want to think about it.”

She arched a brow. “Hence the pissy fit.”

“Would you-” Erwin was furious at her nonchalance, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. Just because he was clumsy with his own feelings didn’t mean that she had to be.

Loki suddenly grinned at him. “Hey, speaking of double penetration, what say you invite that little midget-”

“No,” he interrupted emphatically with a firm expression. He’d spent years getting here with Loki and he wasn’t about to relinquish it to Levi of all people. She rolled her eyes.

“Just a suggestion,” she muttered.

“I’m not interested in him. We are friends. Get it through your thick skull already.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

“And yet-”

“Loki,” Erwin began in a very controlled voice. “If you haven’t realized, I enjoy your breasts and your legs and…” His expression tightened with a slight blush. “…other things. The point is, you’re a woman and I enjoy how you look and feel like a woman when I touch you.”

“Mmhmm. You know as well as I do that Levi could pass for a chick any time.”

“I’d still know.”

“Well, I certainly don’t look or feel like a woman when I’m in uniform.”

“Until I saw you naked.”

She paused at that, raising her eyebrows and regarding him suspiciously. “Which time?”

“Right after your wedding when I accepted the self-loathing and indulged anyway.”

Her eyes widened gleefully.

“Loki, why are you doing this?”

“Because you’re about to fuck me up the ass with a dildo.”

He sighed. “What I'm doing is never just fucking, you realize that right? I'm making love to you."

She giggled. "I stand by my argument that sliding a dildo up my ass while you fuck me isn’t exactly love-making.”

“That’s not the point. The point…is the reason why I’m even doing this with you.”

“I know." She smiled rather smugly and forced him to look at her, kissing him soundly on the lips, taking a little more time than she usually did. “That was payback for the last round. Luckily for you, I’ve efficiently prepared my mental state for the sex we’re about to have. Lucky bastard. I wish I could fuck a chick like me.”

Erwin couldn’t quite withhold the snort. “Receptive of the mood, as always,” he replied dryly. It only served to make her smirk.

“Don’t I know it. So,” she rolled her hips meaningfully, earning a hitched breath from him. “How are we gonna do this?”

Erwin pinned her to his chest with a final, lingering look before he ran his free hand up and down her back slowly, earning fluttered lashes and an indulgent smile. She moved closer and began to press kisses along his throat and jaw, her tongue and teeth finding the lobe of his ear as he fumbled through her night stand drawer once again.

"Second drawer," Loki mumbled against his skin.

When he finally retrieved it, he struggled with it, hands shaking just a little, and Loki must have sensed his disorientation because she gently pried herself off him and relieved him of the oil bottle so she could unscrew the cap. He set the dildo down on the bed beside them and readjusted their positions, shifting Erwin so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He coated his fingers with the lube and held her to his chest.

Loki arched her back and bit down a groan as he pressed his palm flat on her skin and slid it down slowly to her rump, stretching her ass apart as the middle finger of his other hand gently teased its way in. She drew in a breath, fingers curling into his shoulders. It didn’t hurt yet, obviously, but it seemed like she hadn’t been lying about not having had anything there in a while. She closed her eyes and nodded to Erwin who slipped another finger in, gently penetrating her as deeply as he could before he slowly slid both fingers out again. He eased his fingers in and out of her, keeping a mild pace that she got used to after a while. He probed inside her, stretching his fingers apart, rubbing little spots inside her that made her twist and gasp.

Her hand curled up and she gripped Erwin's hair, jerking it to the side, licking along his throat before sinking her teeth into a tender expanse of skin, sucking hard, licking away residual blood and kissing it. He growled, stretching her even further apart and making her cry out, picking up the speed and effectively finger fucking her once again. She clung to him, moaning his name, whispering pleas and dirty encouragements in his ear. By the time he added a third finger, she looked on the brink of tears. She was trembling all over, disoriented and over-stimulated, wet mouth parted. He kissed that mouth tenderly, other hand reaching for the dildo and positioning it just so where his fingers held her open. He pressed it in and her breath quickened with a vocalization that sounded almost desperate. Erwin retrieved the lube and poured it generously onto where the dildo met her flesh, spreading it with his whole fist as he pumped it in and out of her. When the movement became fluid and Loki seemed to stop squirming uncomfortably, he stopped and leaned back fully against the headboard, licking his lip as a languid feeling settled over him.

Loki looked at him, disoriented. “What?” She managed after a few false starts.

“You move,” was his simple two-word response. She gave him a look that was torn between horror and exasperation, and he shook his head firmly. “You’re not allowed to come before I do.”

“Shit,” she hissed, gripping Erwin's shoulders, shuddering as she forced herself to move up, feeling his cock and the dildo slide into her.

Erwin had a hand on her hip and the other gripping the dildo tightly, keeping the angle firm. Her body was stiff as she forced herself to move up and down, slowly at first, letting out a soft cry as she felt herself being overwhelmed and filled to the brim, Erwin's cock sliding in and out under her clit and sending jolts up her body. She took her time, rocking her hips with the motion until it began to feel better, smoother, and Loki leant further back and began to force her body to move faster.

They were both covered in a sheen of sweat that made her skin slap against his. She took a moment to change her position so she was squatting, and as she began to drive herself down, faster and deeper than before, she moaned and gasped his name, on the verge of bursting from the inside out as he twisted the dildo into her with each thrust. Her mind was an utter haze as her body began to swing up and down mechanically, incredibly sore all over, but when Erwin placed his hand over her groin and moved his thumb in circles over her clit, she let out a sob and shuddered to a halt, keeping herself in place with a hand in the sheets.

“I didn’t say you could stop,” his voice was low and thick.

Loki shook her head, voice cracked and desperate. "You’re going to make me come again.”

He smirked thinly, pressing the circle slowly over her clit. “So don’t.”

“Erwin-”

“Just move,” he growled.

After a moment’s hesitation, he smacked her ass sharply and she let out a screech. Steadying herself, she closed her eyes and began to move once again, feeling him thrust in time with her own motions, thumb on her clit and twisting the dildo into her, and she all but broke down from the sensations. She couldn’t move but forced herself to, not as quickly as before in order to withhold her orgasm. With a long moan, she shook and wrapped her arms around his neck, almost collapsing against him, grinding her hips down in waves. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her down and thrusting frantically, cursing as he felt her tighten around him. With a tight groan, he drove a lingering thrust into her and climaxed, cock twitching as he came, eyes closed and face buried in her chest. He was on a high, heart stopped and not breathing, feeling incredibly comfortable and barely noticing Loki's frantic grinding until she tightened even more around him. He held her, pulling her closer, and fucking her until she cried out and went limp in his arms.

They remained in that position for a while, both of them panting for breath. He slid the dildo out of her and tossed it aside. Loki's eyes were closed and she was resting against his chest. He gently rolled them over and pulled out. Her arms were around his neck almost immediately, pulling him down and catching his parted mouth in a slow, drawn out kiss as her tongue rubbed lazily against his. He let himself down onto her side, resting against her as she pulled her arms back and kept a hand entangled in his hair, changing the angle of the kiss, his own arm draped tiredly around her body.

They kissed for what seemed like hours, soft little butterfly kisses and wet open-mouthed kisses, lips pressing against lips and cheeks and brows and noses until she started to fall asleep, tucked under his chin. He gently pulled the blanket up over both of them, holding her close to him.

"Erwin?"

"Hm?"

"How did you know where that dildo was?"

"I heard Hanji saying she snooped around and found it."

Loki snorted tiredly. "Serves her right," she said as she curled closer.


	23. Chapter 23

"Mamma! Mamma! Look!" Vali's voice rose, as she made her way toward Loki, mud flying up around her little bare feet. "Mamma look, I made a castle!"

Loki looked up from where she was laying on their blanket where they had their picnic earlier. She decided today would be a good day to have some mother-daughter bonding time. Lovino had just gone on duty, and Valentina was beginning to miss him. Getting out like this would help take her mind off of her father. Plus she wanted Vali to be happy when she told her she was going to have a sibling. It wasn't like she wouldn't have more chances to be disappointed later.

* * *

Lovino's eyes shifted back and forth on the sentence before him, but he hardly realized he was reading the same line over and over again. He didn't even remember which book was in his hands. His mind was elsewhere, and he knew it wouldn't return to the book any time soon. When Loki told him she was pregnant, he was nervous. She seemed to be quite happy though which was something he didn't understand. A baby was something one planned for in advance. This was a big change. Loki wasn't even this excited when she found out she was pregnant with Vali.

Nevertheless, he could understand why she would want Vali to have siblings. She could benefit from having a younger sibling to keep her company when one of them was gone. Yet that still didn't make much sense to him. Vali seemed quite content with the way things were now. Lovino doubted she needed any changes. It was a gamble with an unpredictable outcome. At least, he saw it as such. Loki had always been willing to take risks even if the odds weren't in her favor. It was her job ever since they graduated.

"Dr. Jäeger confirmed my diagnosis," Loki said as she shut the door to their bedroom. "I'm pregnant."

Lovino wasn't certain of how good an idea this might be at first, but seeing her smile like that prompted him to grin as well. He stood up and she threw her arms around him, laughing happily. "Is everything well so far? Do we know anything for certain about the child yet?" he asked as he twirled her around the room.

"I'm three months along," Loki said as she kissed him. "Isn't this wonderful? You'll be a father again, and Vali will have a younger sibling to keep her company."

"Yes," he smiled and nodded. If he thought about it that way, he actually felt more comfortable about the idea of another child. And despite how witty and troublesome Vali could be, Lovino couldn't be more proud of her. "Yet there is a small issue we need to tend to."

"What, my work? I think I can keep it up for the time being. At least until I get too big to put my uniform on."

"That isn't what I had in mind. What I wanted to ask was…how will we tell Vali?"

* * *

"It's a wonderful castle, Valentina, very good. Is that a pond?"

"Uh huh! And it has towers and that's supposed to be the stable over there but it fell over when the bird flew next to me and I jumped because I was scared and I kicked it but I'm gonna make it again but I wanted to show you the castle first." She took a deep breath. "Look, I'm a fish." She blew out her cheeks and crossed her eyes.

Loki covered her eyes and laughed, shoulders shaking. "Yes you are, the sweetest little fish in the Walls." She peeked through her fingers at Erwin, who was grinning even as he feigned sleep just beside her. "This is what happens when we give her candies after your trips to Sina."

Erwin had come riding up on horseback wearing a shirt that wasn't his uniform shirt. Vali nearly hadn't recognized him in his dark brown button up shirt rolled up to elbows and black pants and boots. The only thing that made her realize it was her uncle was his bolo tie. He joined them for lunch and, of course, had to bring candies for Vali. Honestly, he spoiled her with the stuff too much. And where did he hide it all?

"One doesn't know until one experiments. Now, shh, I am fast asleep," he whispered conspiratorially.

Loki shifted and adjusted the pillow between her knees so her back was pressed against Erwin's chest and her head was cushioned on her arm.

"You should have worn the green dress," Erwin mumbled, eyes still closed, making Loki grin.

"The red looks good on me."

"The green looks better."

"This brings out my lips. And you're certainly staring at it quite a bit for someone who disapproves."

"I never said I disapproved of this very...revealing dress. I'm just saying that the green one suited you better."

"I can't imagine why you'd think that."

"Green flatters your hips."

"Does it?" She smirked and settled back against his chest. Thankfully Vali was still young enough that they could be close like this in front of her.

"You're still so pale for having been in the sun for this long," Erwin said as he ran his hand up her arm slowly and calmly.

"My skin has always been pale, ever since I was a child. You know that."

"Watch her," Erwin said, pillowing his head on his free arm. "She's going into the water."

"Collecting shiny rocks," Loki said, grinning. "She said she wanted to make you a sea crown."

The corner of Erwin's mouth twitched.

"She loves you." She turned to meet his gaze.

Erwin squeezed her hand, but both of them jerked upright as Vali shrieked. Their feet barely touched the ground as they sprinted towards the water where Vali had teetered face first into the water. Erwin reached her first, jerking her out of the water. Her hair was plastered to her face, and she coughed and cried, tears streaming down her face as her breath came faster and faster. Her lower lip trembled as she continued to cough, and Erwin eased her over his shoulder and patted her back as she spat up water.

"You're all right, Valentina. Calm down. I've got you." He continued thumping her back until the coughing stopped, then cradled the back of her head as she cried.

"Vali, breathe for me. You're safe. Mama and Uncle Erwin are right here." Loki kissed her hair and rubbed her back while Erwin stroked her cheek.

Vali lifted her head, eyes brimming with tears. "I was g-getting stones f-for Uncle." She dropped her head into Erwin's shoulder.

Loki kissed her hair again. "How about we make a crown with flowers instead?"

Vali considered this for a while while Loki and Erwin waited cautiously, not wanting to have to deal with one of Vali's hissy fits. They relaxed when Vali finally nodded.

Loki smiled and noticed one of Vali's feet was coated in mud. "Did you get stuck in the mud?"

"Uh huh."

"Would you like to come sit with Mamma and Uncle, and I'll clean you up while I tell you a surprise?" Now was as good a time as any.

"Uh huh." She nodded and wrapped her arms around Erwin's neck. He hugged her close, and Loki followed behind them as they returned to their blanket.

When Loki finally managed to lower herself down, Vali immediately sat in between her legs. She frowned and started pushing on her belly. "Momma, why's your belly all hard. It's not comfy. Move it."

Erwin snorted and Loki laughed. "Vali, I can't move it."

"Why not?"

"Because there's a baby growing in there. You're going to be a big sister."

Vali's confused frown only grew deeper. "Why?"

Loki felt the blood drain from her face. She didn't seem indignant, irritated over thinking she wouldn't be a single child anymore…she was confused. And so was Loki. Even Erwin seemed pensive as he watched over her shoulder. "W-What do you mean 'why', Vali?"

"I mean, why?" she asked again "Why am I having a sister? Don't you think I'm...?"

"What?" asked Loki, looking at the boy worriedly "Sweetling…"

"N-nevermind."

"What is it, Valentina?"

She evaded the question again and ran off towards a grouping of dandelions and other "pretty" weeds. Loki sighed and rested her head on Erwin's arm as she watched her run off. He was looking at Vali over her shoulder where he was resting his chin.

"Want me to try?" he asked quietly.

"Would you?"

Being the good, kind, amazing man he was, he nodded. He was now officially forgiven for anything he had done to piss her off before this moment. Slowly Erwin stood and walked over. Loki could just barely hear the two.

"What...making?" she barely discerned Erwin's deep voice.

"A crown. Am...going to have to...sister?"

"Yes, you are," Erwin ruffled her soft hair. "Is…alright…you?"

"W-well, if that's...want," Vali murmured, shrugging. "But…I…thought I...good enough."

"That's not the reason," he smiled. "...don't...afraid of being replaced...love you just as they love...baby. You...share us with her..."

"I'll do it…if you wear…crown," she said, grinning mischievously as she held up the poorly made crown.

Loki snickered when she saw Erwin visibly tense up and grimace. He didn't refuse her though and leaned over so she could stand and put it on his head. Loki couldn't help but giggle as he stood and walked back to the blanket to lay behind her. She lay on her back as he rested on his side and looked at her with a knowing glare.

"Well, don't you look handsome?"

"You're lucky I love you so much to do this sort of thing."

"Please, you'd do it if we weren't fucking around," Loki snickered. "Vali has had you wrapped around her little finger since you first held her."

"I guess it's just part of the job description," he said as he lay on his back and let her use his arm as a pillow.


	24. Chapter 24

Loki huffed to herself again as she watched the Walls retreat behind them from where she was driving one of the supply wagons. If she ever met those politicians in Sina, she'd gut them like fish. Who the hell makes an eight month pregnant woman go on an expedition just because she's the chief medical officer?! So what if Loki was barely showing?! Erwin was probably just as pissed, and he was probably worried too. That would explain the overwhelming number of guards around her wagon and the fact that she was driving a wagon instead of riding her horse. The words "necessary" were frequently mentioned whenever she asked why she had to get this particular job.

"How's i' going, boss?" Hanji called from her horse.

"Hanji, if you ask me how I'm doing or how it's going one more time, I swear I will surgically remove your tongue and replace it with a horse dick!"

"Roger!" she laughed as she raced back to the command position further up.

Several red flares went off to the far left, indicating Titan sightings. A few moments later, a green flare up ahead was pointed right. Loki gradually began to turn her team in that direction and continued onward. Then she felt a sharp pain in her lower back. Fucking practice pains were going to be the death of her. She'd been having them since getting out of bed with Erwin that morning. The ride was boring and quiet, lacking the action that Loki craved. After almost twenty-five minutes of seemingly endless riding, they came upon the castle ruins they used as a hideout and checkpoint.

Upon entering the ruins, Erwin called for a meeting with all the high ranking officers. They were all standing around a crude map made by a cartographer of the outside world. It wasn't very big or detailed since they never got very far outside, and the cartographers had a panic attack any time a Titan was spotted. "We should head East towards the abandoned village ten miles away."

"Isn't that through the forest? Sounds like a lot of unnecessary danger," Erwin said quietly.

Loki rolled her eyes. "Going around the forest would take too long. We'd be out there in the dark. We haven't been very far out West y-"

"This isn't an exploring expedition. We're trying to establish a new checkpoint," Mike interrupted. "We should go through the forest like we originally planned."

"That'll cost a lot of manpower. Every time we go through a forest we lose half our force," the chief veterinarian, Boaz, said quietly.

Erwin was quiet for a moment, folding his arms over his chest as he studied the map. "I'll take this information to the Commander and let him decide."

"Why?" Loki snorted. "He's only a Commander in name. You're the one in charge. The old man's lost his touch," she said calmly. "You decide."

"That is insubordination, Captain Smith," he warned.

A sharp pain shot down her back. Fucking hell, these pains were getting worse by the minute. It was effecting her mood, making her more edgy and hostile. "Please, I just said what everyone-"

"That's enough!" Erwin snapped sharply. "You're dismissed."

As soon as they were allowed to disburse, Loki found a secluded corner and let out a sudden gasp. She was in pain. Every muscle in her back and stomach were tightening like violin strings. She groaned and pressed her forehead to the cool stone wall. Shit, this couldn't be happening. Not now. Not out here. She grimaced and touched her stomach gently. Maybe this wasn't actual labor. She was seven minutes apart, but maybe it was an intestinal problem. She slowly straightened, struggling not to buckle under the intense pain. She just needed to walk it off and get some fresh air.

* * *

"L-Levi," a familiar voice called as he was going to go on his watch. Great, now he had to fucking socialize. He turned and saw an unusually pale Loki coming his way. The fuck did she want? She looked sick. If she was sick, he didn't want whatever the hell it was. "You're going on watch right?"

"Yeah."

"Could I come?" she asked as he gathered up supplies to restock the scouting nest.

Straightening, Levi flicked his gaze around the room. Why wasn't she stalking Erwin? That was her usual pastime, that and fucking him. Oh yes, he knew. He had the misfortune of choosing the quarters beside hers and was woken from sleep on multiple occasions. Hell, that kid she was knocked up with right now was probably his. He did consider her something close to an acquaintance though. They got along on missions, and she didn't annoy him like Hanji did. They looked out for each other in a way and had a mutual respect and trust. They had similar pasts and could relate. None of that explained why the ever loving hell she wanted to walk with him though.

"Make Erwin take you for a walk, not me."

"He's busy. I'm supposed to walk as much as I can."

Rolling his eyes, he finally acquiesced and started walking out into the moonlit night, expecting her to follow. He noticed how slow she was walking and the sweat that was glistening on her forehead and instantly grew suspicious. "Shouldn't you be resting with that brat on the way?"

She didn't respond, just kept walking. Finally, Levi stopped in front of her. "Alright, what the hell is going on?"

She briefly met his eyes and looked away, face flushing with guilt. "I think I might be g-ah!" Her hand went to his bicep and gripped it tightly, while her other tucked under her only slightly distended belly. She stared into the distance as if listening for something.

"What?" Levi grunted with sudden alarm.

"Uh," she grunted, then slowly sank to her knees, releasing him to clutch the ground. "It's coming fast. I need to lie down."

"What...here? Now?" he hissed, his voice louder than normal as panic set in. "Who the hell sends a pregnant woman outside the walls anyway?"

"Blame Shadis and his lack of a fucking backbone."

"Hey, boss? You here? I have the inventory ready." Hanji wandered out of the structure. Perfect timing.

"Hey! Shitty glasses!"

Hanji ran over and her eyes widened. "Hey boss, you alright?"

"What do you think?!" she snapped in between sucking in breaths.

"What do we do?" Levi asked blankly. This wasn't happening. No way was his luck this godawful.

"We gotta get her inside."

Levi got an arm and he and Hanji started walking her back inside. Geez, she was all gross and sweaty. He'd need to burn his clothes and skin off when he got back to the Walls. They managed to shuffle her into a storeroom and get her settled onto the ground. And where the hell was Erwin?! It was him who should've had to go through this shit, not Levi! Then Hanji pulled off Loki's buckles and pants. The first thing he noticed was all the mottled, raised scars, especially the one where Erwin's name was carved into her hip. But then he saw that her snatch was covered in the lumpy fluids of childbirth.

He was going to vomit. Levi gagged and turned away. He was officially gay...no, he was asexual. That was it. Never ever again! His sex life was over! He headed for the door, but then something slimy grabbed him. It was Hanji's hand. Levi paled when he looked back to where she was grabbing his wrist.

"You can't go anywhere. I need help."

"Get somebody, anybody else! Not. Me."

Loki grunted as she bit into the cloth Hanji had shoved into her mouth. She was pushing already, and Hanji was just staring at her snatch like she was staring down a Titan.

"You're gonna have to help," she said sternly.

Something caught his eye. "What the fuck is that?" he asked, eyes widening in horror and disgust.

"Great," Hanji sighed in relief. "It's the head. Boss, don't push," she said as she started cleaning it and sticking her fingers in around where the neck would be. "Alright, we're good. Levi, take her hands."

Uncertain, Levi took hold of both hands, then nearly toppled off-balance when Loki pulled hard, trying to use him for leverage. He toppled into the blood and birth fluid knees first. "Dammit, warn me next time!" he snapped, getting himself set to resist. Then another contraction hit her, and she squeezed his hands and nearly pulled his arms out of the sockets. "Fucking shit!" he barked.

Loki spit out the rag with a death glare. "Fuck you, Levi! This fucking hurts."

Looking down, he nearly fainted. Emerging from between her legs was a dark mass covered in blood and hair. He could believe passing something like that would hurt worse than making the thing had. He was going to vomit. Each time the urge hit her, she squeezed his hands nearly hard enough to crush the bones and came close to pulling his arms loose from his shoulders, but he held on and endured, grimacing almost as much as she did.

"First shoulder's out. Levi get behind her and prop her up."

Perfect. Anything was better than what he was being forced to do and look at right now. He got behind her on his knees and pushed her forward until she was nearly upright. He could feel the muscles in her body bear down and grimaced as she screamed. Titans could probably hear that for miles. Suddenly her whole body went lax and she lay her sweaty body against him. He grimaced and looked at Hanji with pleading eyes, begging for it to be over. Then he heard the ear piercing shriek of a baby. He and Loki both seemed to relax as Hanji started using her own jacket to clean the thing up.

"Levi, let her lay down. Here, take the baby," Hanji said quickly. It was small and red with wispy whitish, blonde tufts of hair. She was surprisingly beautiful for being so goddamn gross. Then it hit him. He just helped give birth. Emotion welled in his chest, but he fought it down.

"Levi," Loki breathed weakly. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Girl."

Then Erwin was barging into the room, more like muscling his way in since Hanji had posted someone at the door to keep everyone out. About fucking time. Levi quickly handed the baby he suspected was his off to him. He immediately stopped and gawked at the little bundle much like Levi had been doing just before. Erwin gathered himself and nodded though his intimidation factor went down several notches when he was cradling a tiny baby.

"Shit."

"What is it, Hanji?" Erwin said, walking forward. The severity of her tone didn't bode well. "Is she all right?"

No, she most certainly wasn't. Levi recognized the signs from years of seeing death face-to-face. Loki was as pale as a sheet of paper and was struggling to keep her eyes open. Her eyes were dull and her lips looked dry and white and her body was shivering. She was in bad shape. If he didn't know better, he'd say she'd been attacked by a Titan and had internal damage.

"She's lost a lot of blood. More than she should. We need to get back to the Walls soon if she's gonna make it."

"Can we wait until sunrise?"

"Yeah, but we need to get the hell out by then."

* * *

Loki, Narfi and Xandar were watching with fascination as one of the adults stood at the butchering post, skinning one of the two deer he'd brought in. Her momma had dropped her off there because she had to talk to someone about the upcoming sacrifice at the temple. Loki was particularly enthralled with the animals' pelts, and was stroking a doe's tail gently. Looking up at the adult with her big yellow eyes that managed to unman every adult in the village, she asked: "Have?"

Grunting with amusement, he deftly cut off the tail and set it aside.

"Want horn!" Xandar declared, noticing the generosity.

"They're called antlers," the adult corrected as he started to remove a point for the slightly older boy.

"Me too?" Narfi whispered.

"What would you like?"

"Toe."

"It's a hoof."

* * *

"Loki," Erwin shook her shoulder. She was mumbling under her breath, probably hallucinating. "Loki, you need to name her." He didn't want to say it, but Loki was close to dying. She needed to name their daughter before anything happened.

Loki opened her eyes slowly and looked up at him. God, she looked like she was dead already. She reached out a hand and touched the baby's head gingerly. "N-Narfi," she mumbled tiredly.

"Sir, we need to move her."

"Alright."

Erwin moved so the men could carry Loki into the medical wagon where Hanji would watch her and Narfi. Loki grabbed Erwin's arm and looked him in the eye. He could see it in her eyes. She knew how serious her condition was. She was saying goodbye. He nodded and she released him so they could load her in with the other three injured soldiers. He handed off the baby and went to his horse.

Shadis was there looking nervous. "Erwin, I'm sorry about your-"

"Don't worry, Commander," Erwin snapped, daring him to speak. "I suggest we get going."


	25. Chapter 25

There was, Erwin decided, no better sight than that of his three week old daughter curled up against his chest like a cat with her blonde hair in wispy disarray. She was as fidgety a sleeper as her mother, and her breath was warm against his neck where she was currently burrowed. He ran his thumb along her tiny upper arm, making Narfi shiver in her sleep, curling her tiny toes into his shirt. He had to wear them when he held her because she tried to nurse anything that was warm or moved for that matter.

She gurgled in her feather-soft voice, making Erwin smile and reach down to pull the heavy blanket up over the both of them, bringing Narfi close to share the heat that eluded the rest of the chilled winter air of the house. It had been much warmer when he first came over to give Loki a chance to rest and to help with Vali while Lovino was away. When Narfi stirred again, her eyes fluttered in a sleepy blur of unseeing light brown and thick lashes. They discovered she was born blind soon after returning to Sina. Anytime she was picked up, she would flail wildly and shriek and cry. It took almost a week to get her to learn to nurse. Her pale, heart-shaped face was no more than three inches away from his, and he marveled at the swift, completeness of the warmth that radiated through him.

He only experienced this with three special women now: Valentina, Loki and his little Narfi. His niece and daughter were in the beginning as strange to him as the stars and no less amazing. What astonished him more, though, was how a series of perfectly arbitrary combinations of himself and Loki could produce a baby so beautiful. Narfi bore traits that reflected her parents and yet at the same time a multitude of entirely new things that Erwin was to learn and familiarize himself with as he might some ancient book. It's the same manner of challenge-that of knowledge to be acquired-but every time he thinks he has a handle on the quick-flitting minds of these two children, they prove him so very, very wrong.

Erwin could hear Vali waking from her nap, running with bare feet into the sitting room where he was laying on the barely cushioned bench. She ran up to him with a smile and kissed his cheek before moving lower to look at Narfi. Ever since Narfi was brought home and gingerly put in her sister's lap, Vali had been enamored by her. If they couldn't find Vali in the mornings or just before bed or a bath, they'd find for her next to Narfi's crib, watching Narfi like a hawk. Anytime she was being held by an adult, Vali would sneak in close to look at the baby and stroke her hand or face, and if you ever let her hold the baby, she looked like she was the queen of the world.

She reached up and petted Narfi's tiny hand. Narfi mewled against his neck but thankfully remained asleep. "Hi sisser. It's me, big sisser," she whispered.

Watching them interact made Erwin feel that warmth flush through him once more, overtaking all else with an overwhelming sense of contentment. He could never have predicted this, and in hindsight he was well aware of the different paths his life could have taken. He was fortunate that his fate unfurled this way. He wasn't starry-eyed enough to think this would last though. He knew the baby hype would fade for Vali, and then she'd be jealous and as Narfi got older they would fight and bicker. However, he wasn't fool enough to not cherish this, not when his life as a soldier had so few good memories to think on.

"Where's your mother?" Erwin asked quietly.

"I don't know. Asleep?" she blinked and mirrored Lovino's cat like yawn, her jawbone clicking and her wide eyes crinkling as she gave in to it. "She's been sleeping a lot. When will she play with me some more."

"It'll be soon," he assured her. Loki had lost a lot of blood on the trip back to the Walls, and she was still recovering from it even three weeks later. Valentina grinned at the prospect.

Both Narfi and Vali had a smile that melted the hearts of all those upon whom they bestowed it, excluding their mother. Even though Vali had yet to celebrate her third birthday, she was more than sharp enough to realize how much of a pushover Erwin became when she batted those big, dark eyelashes at him. She learned it from her devious mother. Loki was cunning; she knew how to play him, how to meet the ice that dripped from his tongue with her own brand of venom, and until the birth of their girls she was the only one who could. Now...now there were three of them, mother and daughters more often than not a united force against him.

It wasn't long before Loki came limping in wearing nothing but a thin nightdress that made Erwin tense up. Motherhood had been very, very good to Loki. No longer was she the scrawny girl made of sharp angles. Her hips had widened and her chest had swelled deliciously. All those once sharp angles had softened in all the right ways. He felt something coiling in his gut, but he quelled it quickly. Now was not the time to be aroused. She barely acknowledged him or the girls as she went towards the kitchen. Vali soon followed her much like a gosling would its imprinted mother. She sat at the table as her mother put down three plates and started cutting thick loaves of freshly baked sourdough bread. Then she put out five separate jars of preservatives.

"Which jam do you want, Vali?" she asked as she slowly lowered herself to a chair with a grimace.

"Blackberry. Can I have milk?"

Loki smiled and ruffled her hair before she slowly stood and went looking through the kitchen. Erwin slowly raised himself up, careful not to wake his daughter as he walked into the kitchen and sat opposite Loki while Vali sat at the head of the table. Loki came back with a glass of the last of the milk and sat it in front of her. When their eyes met, Erwin felt his chest tighten. Even if Loki looked haggard and exhausted, she was still beautiful.

She smiled weakly at him before looking at Narfi. "She's asleep?"

Erwin nodded. "I changed her about two hours ago."

"She'll need to be fed soon," Loki said as she took Vali's bread and spread blackberry preserves over it before sitting it on the plate in front of her. "Which one? The usual?" she asked him.

Erwin nodded with a grateful smile and shifted Narfi so she was cradled in one arm as Loki spread strawberry preserves over the bread on his plate before handing it back. Erwin could almost believe in that moment that they were a family unit. He could almost believe he was a happy husband with two children, but there was always the lingering reminder that his life wasn't that happy. It never would be. Not as long as the government remained just as much of a looming threat as the Titans beyond the Walls. Something like this could be something to look forward to though.

"Momma, what are you gonna put on yours?" Vali asked, breaking Erwin's train of thought.

"What do you think I should get?"

"Apple. Those are your favorite."

Loki smiled at Vali. "That's a very astute suggestion," she said as she put apple preservatives on her bread and took a bite. "I can see all that schooling has done you good."

Everything was quiet for a while until Narfi jolted in Erwin's arm and began to cry. Before he could move, Loki had her scooped up in her arms. She carried her into another room, likely to breastfeed in private. Soon the crying had quieted down into nothing but mewling and the occasional cough as well as the unintelligible murmur of Loki's voice. Erwin and Vali continued eating until they were finished, and then they washed the dishes.

"Uncle Erwin?" Vali asked as she dried another plate.

"Yes?"

"When's daddy coming home?"

Erwin tensed briefly but quickly relaxed and offered her his usual smile. It was only natural that she would miss her father after he had been gone for so many weeks on duty. He was a good father, and he and Loki got along fairly well together even though the affections were one-sided. Still, the thought of Lovino pretending to be his daughter's father was an unpleasant one. One he didn't want to linger on unless it was absolutely necessary. It'd likely sink in when his so called brother in-law came home from duty, until then, he'd ignore it. He lifted her up after drying his hands and spun her before going to the couch.

"He'll be back here before you know it."


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've sincerely dreaded this chapter ever since I started writing this story. It's taken me a while to prepare myself for this, but now I'm ready. This chapter depicts Loki and Erwin's POV of the fall of Wall Maria, where the manga begins. This will include loss of life, graphic depictions of the dead and much more. If you're sensitive to this sort of thing, tread cautiously.
> 
> Loki: 30
> 
> Erwin: 35

They knew it would happen someday, just...not in their lifetime. The Titans broke through the wall only hours after the Survey Corps returned from another failed mission. The day had started off so normal too. Loki had gotten Narfi and Vali up early that morning so she could say goodbye and so Lovino's bitch of a mother wouldn't sneak up on her while she was sleeping and start another rant. She was under orders to attend an inquiry in Erwin's stead while he and Shadis attempted another run with the rest of the troops.

Now that Loki was racing out past Wall Rose, past weeping and shell-shocked civilians in an attempt to rescue her children, she knew she never should've left them that morning. She should've just made Haji go and stayed at home with the girls. Maybe then she'd know they were okay. She dug her heels into her horse's flanks as Hanji rode alongside her.

* * *

"Leggo 'ali!" Narfi shrieked in outrage.

Loki jumped in her skin as she was readying her horse. She was to make an appearance in Trost for a military hearing and was bringing her subordinate Hanji along with her. Loki could hear her daughters screaming and sighed as she headed back into the house. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good. Those two were always bickering and at each other's throats ever since Narfi learned to walk. Loki walked inside just in time to see Vali dragging Narfi by the ankles out of the hall and into the living area.

"I'll let go when you tell me where you hid it!" Vali snarled.

And where the hell was Lovino's mother? She was supposed to be watching them while she was gone and Lovi was on patrol. Her question was answered when she walked into hers and Lovi's room, where that hag liked to spend most of her time snooping. She was checking the sheets for sex stains. Of course she was. God, why did it have to be her? She'd rather have a Hanji or Levi watching them, and that was saying a lot. Especially after what happened last time.

"I din' hide it! Momma! Vali's being mean!"

Loki rolled her eyes and headed back into the living area where her children were fighting. She walked in and stood with her hands on her hips and her eyes glaring daggers, and Vali instantly let go, blanching as she eyed her mother. Narfi looked in Loki's general direction, her unseeing milky eyes staring straight ahead. "'Ali's tryin' ta kill me, momma!" she yelled.

"I am not! Quit being such a baby!"

"Shut up, both of you!" Loki snapped. "Now, tell me what utter nonsense you two are going on about this time."

Vali pointed at Narfi. "She stole my journal!"

Loki paused and looked towards Narfi, who was walking towards her until she bumped Loki's leg with her hand and latched onto the fabric of her trousers tightly.

"Narfi...did you take it?" she asked warningly.

"No! I tole her Eren hid it wen he came over yesserday! She won' listen cuz she likes him!"

"Do you know where he hid it?" Loki asked, eyebrow raised.

"Under you and daddy's bed."

Loki looked expectantly at Vali and watched as she ran off to look. Several minutes later, she came in with the journal clutched to her chest. Her lip was quivering, so Loki knelt down to put a hand on her shoulder. "Is that it, Valentina?"

"Yeah."

"I tole you!"

"Narfi, I didn't ask you," Loki snapped angrily. "Now both of you apologize. Now."

"Sorry 'ali."

"Why do I have to apologize?!" Vali snapped.

"Vali, you were dragging your sister across the floor when you know she can't defend herself like you can. Do you want me to whoop your ass again?"

"No," Valentina pouted.

"Apologize to her."

"Sorry, Narfi."

"That's more like it. Now, momma is going to be gone for the day," she said, pulling Vali in for a hug and kiss. "Daddy will be home tonight, and I'll be home by the time Vali gets back from school tomorrow," she explained, giving Narfi the same affection.

"I don' like it when Nanna watches us," Narfi pouted. "She says mean things 'bout you and the house, and she says I'm a Bambino."

Yes! Finally, a family member that agrees! "It'll only be a little while, Narfi. Just do your best to deal with it. Like mommy does except with less bad words."

"Okay."

"Bye, momma," Vali said, taking Narfi's hand to guide her outside to the barn where Loki had walked to mount her horse.

"Bye bye! I miss you!"

Loki untied Dipshit and lifted herself up onto the saddle before slowly backing him out. "Momma will miss you too. I'll bring you both a gift to make this up to you. Bye."

* * *

Loki dug her legs into her horse's flanks as they neared where Wall Maria had been run through, quite literally according to witnesses who said something about an "Armored Titan". A grimace was permanently painted across her face ever since someone told her of what happened. She'd abandoned Hanji and the rest of the Corps at a nearby outpost where they were still trying to evacuate civilians. Loki had no time to save strangers though. She could care less. She had to get to her family. Teeth grit, Loki screamed at her horse and jerked his reins to the right. She could see rooftops just ahead, the destroyed wall just behind them.

A shadow fell over her from the left, and she felt her horse starting to slow as it spotted the 12 meter class Titan, watching them in an eerily calm manor with a curious look in its eyes. Loki swore. She didn't have time for this bullshit. She needed to find Narfi and Vali...or at least make sure they weren't dead. She jerked the reins to the side and forced her horse between the things legs, slicing where the Achilles tendon met the calf muscle. Thank God, it was a slow one. She felt the ground shake as it fell and pushed her horse on.

As they neared the rooftops, Loki fired the 3DM wires to her right where they embedded in the siding of a pub. As the wires jerked her from her horse, she looked around desperately. The place was pretty much abandoned. Everyone was either gone…or dead. That thought left a cold, unpleasant feeling in the pit of Loki's gut. She started pumping her legs at a full run as she darted across the roofs of houses and businesses, trying to conserve fuel. As she lunged from roof to roof, she didn't even bother loking to make sure there were no Titans nearby. Her eyes were locked on where the house was.

As she got closer, she noticed part of the house was buried by a piece of the gate. She could see the wall emblem in amongst the debris and settling dust. Oh God. Loki tucked and rolled to the ground and just...stared. It didn't seem possible that just a few hours before, she'd been right here saying goodbye to her girls. Everything was…in chaos. There was no other way to say it.

She felt her feet shuffle along as they carried her closer. She noticed the girls' pet cat hiding away under a piece of the roof. It hissed as she passed it, heading for the stable. That's when she saw several large splotches of blood. A limp head of red hair was in amongst the hay. Loki was drawn towards it and felt her gorge rise as she got close. Lovino was sprawled in the blood-soaked mess of horse shit and hay, his eyes open in wide eyed terror. His foot was up by his ear, and his arms were at awkward angles. His other leg was gone, bitten off. His gear had been used, his blades soaked in gore and dented with use. In her shocked state, Loki checked for a pulse.

Nothing.

At least he was trying to protect their family when he died. Loki continued into the house slowly, looking for her children. She froze as she neared the collapsed portion of the house. A small, olive skinned hand was sticking out from beneath the rubble, clutching a bloody journal tightly. Loki's eyes widened in disbelief as she shot forward and started ripping debris away. It was Vali. Her eyes were open and unblinking. Tear trails were blatant on her dust covered skin as tacky blood oozed from her nose. Loki sobbed and pulled her out of the debris, pulling her into her arms and cradling her to her chest. Her chest heaved as she screamed and sobbed into her child's hair, begging her to wake up. She didn't answer. She begged herself to wake up, begged any deity out there to make this all go away. Of course, no one listened.

"Vali, god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she sobbed into her chest with a loud scream. "Why?! Why couldn't it be anyone else?!" she screamed at the sky. "Why did you take her from me?!"

She heard something thump and noticed Vali's journal on the ground. Carefully, she opened it and flipped to the last page. She couldn't read anything, but the ink looked fairly fresh. The handwriting at first was normal:

_"_ _We heard a big boom. Then a bunch of screaming. Daddy told us to stay inside until he could find out what was happening. I can hear screaming from here. Daddy is back. He said to pack a bag. He said they barred the gate, but it won't last. I can feel the ground shaking. It sounds like a billion drums under my feet. Narfi is scared. She went to hide."_

There is a splatter of ink and then a drop or two of blood, and then more words. This time the handwriting it shaky and hardly looks like her daughter's. She couldn't understand any of it, but she could see the desperation and fear in the way it was written.

_"I'm stuck. It hurts bad. I can hear Narfi crying and daddy screaming. I'm scared. I want momma. They're coming."_

Loki understood just enough to understand what had happened. Her daughter died, scared and alone, wanting her. Lovino had been an idiot and hadn't taken the girls out immediately. Now all of them were probably dead. If she'd been home, she could've gotten them out…gotten them somewhere safe. But she left, and now, because of that, she was holding her dead baby.

"M-Mo...mma."

Loki's eyes shot open. Narfi...Narfi was alive. She could still save one of them! Carefully, she laid Vali down and ran for the voice. She was further back in the debris. The sound was coming from where her room used to be. Loki found her daughter under her collapsed bed, her tiny body pinned at her stomach. She could see the slow ooze of blood that continued to grow, and she realized her baby girl wasn't going to make it. She was pinned, the bed likely holding her insides together. She felt the blood drain from her face as she collapsed to her knees, eyes wide and unbelieving. She was watching her four year old bleed out before her very eyes.

She sniffled quietly and touched Narfi's cheek gently, struggling to speak through the tears and emotion choking her like a fucking noose. "H-Hi, Narfi."

"M-Momma? Is that you?" she asked wheezily.

"Yeah," she whispered shakily. "Yeah, sweetie. It's me."

Her daughter looked in her direction in a calm manner. "I…can't feel anything. Am I gonna die?"

A sob ripped through her chest. Why did her daughter even have to come up with such an accurate conclusion? Why couldn't she just ask about why she was home early or whether she'd let Narfi help make dinner? Why did her three year old have to ask…if she was going to die? Three year olds weren't supposed to have to ask that sort of thing! "I-It looks that way, baby."

She frowned. "Is Vali dead? And daddy?"

"Yeah," Loki said through her tears as she bowed her head as if in prayer. "They're gone."

"Y-You'll be alone?"

Loki didn't answer. Didn't want to answer. Why was she so okay with this?! Why wasn't she screaming and fighting for life?! Why did she look so much like Erwin did when he was resigned to something?! This was a three year old girl! Why, in her last moments, did she look so much older? She sobbed and gingerly laid down next to Narfi, burying her face in her messy blonde hair as she tucked her baby against her.

"I'm sleepy, momma."

"I know, baby. Just close your eyes and rest. I'll be right here."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

She felt Narfi nuzzle her neck, and she could hear her wheezing as she quietly sobbed into her daughter's hair. This wasn't fair! She wasn't supposed to have to see her babies die! That's not how it was supposed to work!

"Will you sing me something?"

"Sure, baby. What do you want me to sing?"

"Stay awake."

Loki sobbed as she stared to sing softly into her daughter's hair. "Stay awake, don't rest your head. Don't lie down upon your bed. While the moon drifts in the skies, stay awake, don't close your eyes." Loki could hear Narfi's wheezing breaths started to slow down, and Narfi began to get heavier. Loki hugged her baby tighter, trying not to remember holding her when she was so much smaller, when she'd open those big eyes while she nursed as Loki hummed. "Though the world is fast asleep, though your pillow's soft and deep, you're not sleepy as you seem. Stay awake, don't nod and dream…stay awake, don't nod and dream."

Somehow, Loki managed to curl herself around her daughter, heard her last, peaceful breath as her muscles fully relaxed. After too long without hearing or feeling anything, Loki sobbed loudly, screaming and cursing everything about this world and herself. She didn't know how much time passed as she sobbed and cradled her baby in her arms. It could've been only moments, or days or hours. Loki wanted nothing more than to die here with her daughters. There was no point in living anymore. Not without them. Before them, her life had been so empty and without light. Now, she found herself enveloped in darkness once again.

Then she heard something. Was that...that was a scream for help. For a while, Loki refused to get up. Why should someone else get to live while her children died? But…Narfi and Vali wouldn't want her to think like that. Wiping her eyes, Loki slowly laid her daughter down and stood. Reluctantly, she left the house to find her horse there waiting outside.

Loki steeled herself and jumped on the horse, steering him in the direction of the screams. As she weaved her way onto the main road, she saw a small child, likely no older than…no! Not here! The girl was running from a small Titan, and Loki shut down her mind. She wasn't alive anymore. She was already dead and cold. She felt nothing. Growling under her breath, she kicked her horse into high gear and started weaving through the bodies and debris. The Titan was gaining on the child. Loki grinned darkly and stood in her saddle. She pushed her horse forward and jumped, using the gear to swing herself up to its shoulder until she could reach the neck. She put every ounce of her rage into that cut, felt her blades connect with something odd as she ripped through the flesh like it was hot butter. As the Titan began to collapse, Loki shot off its back and caught the child around her waist, making her scream. Loki shot herself skyward until she was lined up with the horse. Once he was under her, she released the wires and grimaced as she dropped uncomfortably into the saddle, feeling her hip shift and pop audibly.

"Hold on!"

* * *

As quickly as the multitudes flooding into the walls of Trost, the news of the fall of Wall Maria had spread. The heightened fear of the Titans was as expected as the influx of bodies to feed and house. Resources were slim even when they still had the lands now lost to them because of a three year drought. Now these people had nowhere to go and no one to take them in. He could only hope Loki had made it inside. In all the commotion during their hasty retreat, he'd lost track of her and hadn't yet been able to take time to check the returning roster.

Suddenly, the door to his new office began to rattle. His eyes shot up in time to catch sight of a familiar mane of reddish brown. She was covered in sweat and muck and blood, and her eyes looked distant and haunted. He didn't like seeing her with that look. She looked dead to the world as she quietly shut and locked the door behind her, sitting down like nothing was the matter. He noticed she wouldn't make eye contact. Wouldn't speak either.

"Loki?" he asked cautiously.

"They're dead."

Erwin's heart stopped, and the paper in his hands fluttered to his desk. "What?" Surely he just hadn't heard her correctly. There was no way…

"Narfi. Vali. Lovino. All of them are dead."

"How do you-"

She slammed her fist down on the wood and stood, her eyes suddenly feral and filled with unshed tears that were slowly overflowing. "Because I saw them damn it! I saw Vali crushed under debris! I saw Lovino mangled outside the fucking house! I held Narfi as she died pinned under her fucking bed! I sang to her until the last fucking breath. I fucking held-" she sobbed.

Erwin, at some point, stood up, shoving his chair back until it toppled over. She lunged forward, screaming at him and beating his chest with her fists. All he could do was let her as he struggled to wrap his mind around what he just heard. His niece and daughter...both of them were dead. His world stopped, honed in on this one moment as he absorbed the information she'd thrown at him. Tears swarmed his vision as his world crumbled around him. He wrapped his arms around her then, pinning her to his chest as she strug. He sank down to the floor with her sobbing and screaming in his arms while he fought back emotions of his own.

He pulled her head into his chest so she couldn't see it when he was unable to hold it in any longer. He was quiet as he cinched his eyes shut, letting streaks of silent tears drip into her hair. He shuddered softly as he remembered the births of bouth the beautiful little girls he considered his own. He remembered when Lovino put Vali in his arms for the first time. He remembered when she walked to him instead of Loki in the training yard. He remembered the way those eyes would light up when she saw him. He'd never get to see that again. Then he remembered his little Narfi. The way he taught her to walk with a guide stick, the way she'd smile when he told her stories…how tiny her newborn body was curled up on his chest.

They remained there, crying together long after the candles had run out of wax. After a while, Loki began to calm, and Erwin's own tears began to stop coming. It seemed wrong that he could become so numb so quickly. He felt guilty that already, his mind was struggling to find a new way to survive without the things he loved. He begrudgingly reminded himself that he always knew this was a possibility It didn't make it any easier though.

"They're really dead," she whimpered quietly, lying motionless in his arms, having long since stopped her wailing.

"I know," he choked out as he kissed the top of her head. "I don't want to believe it any more than you."

"I want to be dead too."

"I know. We'll...we'll get through this."

"How do you know?" she asked despondently. "How can you be so sure?"

"We don't have a choice."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was rough to write. The song was "Stay Awake" from the Disney musical Mary Poppins. The mystery girl will be playing a bigger part in this story, so keep your eyes peeled in amongst all the tears.


	27. Chapter 27

When news of the deaths of Loki's daughters got out only weeks after the fall of Maria, everyone was certain she would throw in the towel, both in her career and lie itself. That was what a lot of other survivors ended up doing. They obviously didn't know her like Erwin did. Despite all their whispers, she rode through the streets of Trost with her head held high and a dull glaze over her eyes, the only hint anything was wrong with her. No one said anything, of course. The air around her newly formed team was even more solemn than usual.

The deaths of his and her daughters—yes, he claimed them both as his own—was felt by everyone. Many of the older soldiers had watched them grow up from wide eyed babies to reckless, loving children. They had made the Corps childish cards, cheered them on as they returned from missions and reminded them of why they even ventured outside the walls at all. Bright eyed children like them made each sacrifice meaningful just because it meant that just maybe someday they would be able to play out on the other side of the wall, that they could be safe.

It had been the worst during the days just after the fall. Loki had been an inconsolable mess, tearing at her hair and skin like a madwoman as she screamed and cried. It was the first time he had to use tranquilizers on her since she joined the military. After that, she started trying to rationalize and place blame—most of which she placed solely on her own shoulders. For weeks, she refused to leave their shared room. She hardly even moved when Erwin got into bed with her. Most days, it was a struggle to get her to eat and or even roll over so he could clean her skin with a rag.

For Erwin, the struggle to face the fact that two of his most beloved people in this sick world were gone was just as daunting. However, unlike Loki, he couldn't allow himself to take leave to mourn. He was Commander now, and he had a job to do. During the day, he pushed all thoughts of his family aside to focus on his goals. He went to meetings and inquiries, observed trainees and pushed paper like a madman. Then at night, when Loki would start to cry as he held her, he'd finally let himself mourn too. It came in increments, but after a month they both seemed to be semi-adjusted. Neither of them would ever be "okay", that was certain.

Loki's change was more abrupt. One day, Erwin woke up alone. At first, he panicked, afraid she tried to commit suicide again, but instead he found her doing sit ups a few feet away. She had a hellish fire in her eyes, and that's when he knew she was ready to go back to service. He wasn't wrong.

* * *

Great. Just fucking great.

Why did they always have to get in at least one winter mission per year? It was like those fat asses back in Sina wanted them to die outside the walls. Except...they weren't outside the walls this time. They were taking a herd of civilians into Titan territory to try and thin out the population so they wouldn't run out of food. The higher ups claimed they were ground troops in the effort to reclaim the wall. What utter bullshit. Loki looked at the long line of citizens walking single file, like sheep to the slaughter. They had no warm clothes, no gear, no horses, nothing. They all knew it too. She recalled one older man and a younger couple giving tearful goodbyes to a feminine looking blonde boy and two oddballs, likely orphans.

Loki shivered as an icy gust of wind found its way under her winter cloak to make her muscles constrict and goosebumps litter her flesh. Despite the sunny skies, the air was frigid. Her nipples could tear through a Titan's neck at this point. The worst part was that flurries were starting to lazily drift to the rapidly cooling ground. The soldiers were riding in alongside the long line of civilian appetizers in various positions. All of them were keeping an eye out, wanting to salvage as many civilian lives as possible despite the true purpose of their mission. None of them actually wanted to go on this murder mission. They did this shit to save lives not throw them away carelessly.

Loki had her squad stay close by in case of an emergency. As usual, Hanji was acting as her right hand, even riding right beside her as she ran her mouth about a new research idea she had. On the other side of the line, Levi was riding his mare with his usual grumpy expression. For some reason, Erwin chose to assign Levi to her squad. Usually he kept the bitchy germaphobe with him or handed him off to Zacharias. Apparently Erwin felt he'd be of better use in the furthest squad back. Idiot. He knew they didn't get along well when they were around each other for too long. Then he dumped two new trainees on her. One was a tan boy riddled with pox scars and freckles named Mansur. The other was a tall but oddly scrawny looking kid with a goofy grin and shocking white hair named Gabil.

"Oh my Godesses!" an older woman screamed up ahead.

As soon as Loki felt her horse tense under her, she knew what it was. Loki spotted them to the right: five ten meter Titans, and they were headed their way. As one, the civilians turned and stared in shock and horror before scattering like mice from a burning building. Loki's mount reared up as people started trying to pull her off of him and started bumping him as they ran by. So much for saving their pathetic, civilian lives. This same sort of chaos was going on up ahead too. Loki actually noticed a civilian trying to pull off someone's gear.

As a man gripped her thigh, Loki snarled and drew her blade, lashing out and striking at the neck. His head hit the ground long before his body, his eyes wide in surprise while his body writhed as it collapsed. For a while, Loki just stared at it in shock. She just...killed someone. Damn it, she was supposed to be saving these people not slaughtering them. The other civilians were gone now though. Apparently killing someone did wonders in that department. Go figure. Already, the commotion was starting to draw in more Titans. The ground trembled beneath the heavy footfalls as they got closer.

A pillar of black signal smoke shot up through the air from behind. Only Erwin had the authority give that signal on this mission. They were already in full retreat, and Loki's team was too far behind. The Titans were blocking their way back which meant they'd have to push forward. "Fuck," Loki hissed. They were all grouped together like sitting ducks in the middle of a frost covered road. The only kind of cover for miles was a small village. It was probably half a mile's ride away, if not more.

"Head for the village!" Loki snapped. "We'll mount a counter-offensive and take cover there!" She spurred her horse into a full gallop and heard the sounds of her squad doing the same.

"Sir!" Mansur called from behind her. "What about the rest of the Corps? We're going the opposite direction," he yelled.

"Keep your fucking mouth shut and don't worry about it!" Levi snapped.

Loki looked around and noticed several black flares shooting up all over the place. They were scattered. Loki put her reigns in her teeth and pulled out her flare gun. She shoved in a black signal flare and fired it in the direction of the village. They were almost there now, just a little more than halfway. The horses were panting and sweating and slowing down, and the ground was getting slick. One of the Titans was practically close enough to grab one of them right off of their horses. She could feel the heat coming off of them they were so close.

An aberrant class suddenly lunged out from their right from behind a lone farm. It missed by several yards, but it still managed to knock up a great heap of dirt which caused Gabil's horse to stumble and fall with a high-pitched scream. The frail looking boy was instantly pitched from the saddle and sent tumbling and skidding through the snow to land a short distance away from a small Titan. The monster only had to take a few more steps and it would crush him. The kid's eyes were fixed on his impending death as he gaped like a fish out of water.

"Move, idiot!" Loki snarled as she fired off her wires into the shoulder of the one nearest to him. She swung out from the back of her saddle, shooting through the air towards the trainee. She grunted as she grabbed him about the waist just as the thing stepped where his body had laid. She grimaced as gravity pulled on him as they swung up in a wide arc to land on a Titan's shoulders. Her arms were screaming at her to drop him despite the fact that he was fairly frail.

Gabil seemed to snap out of it then. "Brigadier, what the-"

Loki punched him, keeping him steady by gripping his collar. "Use your fucking gear, dumbass! Do you-"

She was cut off by a deafening screech from the Titan they were currently on. It raised one of its hands just as Loki drew her blades. She dodged a swatting hand and cut through the thing's neck, but something went wrong. She felt an unusual tension in her blade as it bent, and then it shattered. Shards were sent flying all over the place, one of which embedded in Loki's right eye. Loki screamed in pain and accidentally let go of Gabil, and he went toppling off. Then Loki's wires came loose while she clutched her bloody eye.

This was unlike any pain she'd ever experienced. It was like someone had taken a hot poker and shoved it through the center of her eye and started twisting it around like they were trying to mash it up. She could feel at least two large shards protruding from her eye. Each felt like a blunt knife tearing through her nerves in an attempt to burrow through her skull. Blood was gushing from the injury, filling her mouth and coating her front with sticky red fluid. She gagged and tried to see as she began to topple back. She could see nothing out of the injured eye…could barely keep it open through the pain. She did, however, manage to spot the lifeless trainee a few feet back. He landed on his head, crushing the skull as blood and brain oozed out his ears.

"Levi! Dodge!" she heard Hanji snap from somewhere to the left.

"Get Smith, I'll take this one!"

Loki managed to fire her wires off into the thing's thigh, slowing her fall. She landed on the ground with a dull thud, knocking the air from her lungs. She tried to retract her hooks, but they were stuck in the thick leg muscle. She struggled to get loose, but she was only rewarded with more rough jostling until her head hit a rock with a sickening crunch. She felt intense pain bloom in the back of her skull before she blacked out.

* * *

Loki watched from her mother's arms as the people of the village began to gather. There, a massive portable stage had been placed. It was shaped like an open box, with the opening facing the villagers. It was encircled in heavy black velvet and ornate red drapes with gold embellishments depicting different stories of their gods, the Titans. In the center sat a white marble altar with grooves in the top and carvings on the sides. On all four corners, there were scary-faced statues depicting their massive deities with startling precision.

The children were the ones assembled first. Next, the adults began to gather, wearing their finest black clothes they had. Even Loki and her mother, the head priestess, were dressed in thick, itchy black clothes. Soon the mothers began to call to their children so they could start the ritual at a decent time.

"Loki, go sit with your papa. Momma has to start."

Loki kissed her momma as she sat her down and toddled to where her daddy was waiting for her with open arms and a big grin. She giggled as she reached him and he spun her around and pretended to almost drop her. She squealed when he rubbed his scratchy cheek against hers. "How's my favorite girl?"

She smiled. "Goo'."

"Good. Let's watch the dancers."

"'Kay."

Her daddy carried her to an empty spot in the haphazard ring the villagers had formed and turned her in his arms so she could see. She watched in awe as the music started up and eight girls in the center of the ring of onlookers came to life. They were all in pretty white dresses and wore flowers in their hair as they danced. All of them danced differently, using different styles and moves as the scary drums pounded out their song. Loki watched the swirling dresses in awe as they twisted around their ankles with her thumb in her mouth.

When the music stopped, all the girls knelt facing the stage where her mother stood with a big book. She also had a flaming black bowl beside her as well. The flames were such a pretty shade of blue that the four year old hardly heard what her mother was saying. "My brethren! The gods have chosen a worthy maiden to join them in the outer world! They have chosen young Gunhildr!"

A tall girl with red and yellow roses in her hair stood and smiled. There were tears in her eyes as she walked up the stairs of the stage to meet Loki's mother. Her mother hugged the girl and tucked back a strand of hair. She then helped her up onto the marble altar and handed her the bowl with fire in it. The girl raised it to the sky and then drank it all. She lay down on the altar and then several of momma's temple oracles walked on stage naked wearing Titan masks. Then they put their boy thingies in the girl, and she screamed. All of them did it, and when it was over, the girl smiled goofily and reached out her arms.

"I-I see them! They're smiling at me, welcoming me into their holy throng! I will be beautiful and terrible like them and will want for nothing!"

Then Loki's momma stepped forward and slit her throat. The girl gasped and her arms fell to her sides. She continued staring up at the sky as foamy blood oozed from the cut and the corner of her mouth. Then, all of a sudden, her head fell over to face Loki. She had tears in her eyes and an eerie smile on her face. Loki watched with mild interest as her white dress slowly turned red. The curves in the altar soon turned red too, depicting a mural of the Titans feasting on almost all the people while salvaging and protecting some off to the right of the stone carving. Then the temple oracles started cutting into her and passing out chunks of mushy red stuff to the villagers.

Once everyone had a piece, Loki's momma stepped forward again. "Let us consume the mortal shell of Gunhildr so her holy, righteous body shall recognize and protect us during our hour of judgement!" Then she ate her piece.

Loki's daddy cut his piece in two with a knife and put a bloody chunk to Loki's lips. She obediently opened her mouth and accepted the food. This one tasted better than the last time she ate an offering.

* * *

"...fucking wake up!"

Loki groaned as her eyes slowly slid open. The world around her was a blurry mess. She blinked a few times, and after a minute or so her vision in her left eye came into focus. Her other eye just ached and throbbed. Moving her eye and blinking made it worse. She couldn't see anything out of it. She reached up to touch her head, but Levi quickly stopped her. She frowned and jerked her hand away but didn't reach up again. Instead she tried to take in her surroundings.

It was cold, and her back was wet. They were in some sort of house or barn. She suspected it was the former since she couldn't really smell hay or animals or shit. The roof was made of dark, almost black wood, and she was laying on something soft like a blanket or sheet. She looked outside and noticed how low the sun was. The rest of the Corps would've reached the Wall by now. She winced as the memories of how she ended up like this rushed in all at once. The Titans chasing them, the new recruit, falling. That was the last thing she remembered. That sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Then she had the weird dream.

Loki sat up slowly. As soon as she was upright, everything began to hurt worse. Her back felt like as if a cat had torn the skin away. Her head was throbbing like someone was still playing those drums from her dreams, and her eye felt like someone was trying to fist it. Every muscle was stiff and in protest, especially her chest.

"Easy," Levi said, gripping Loki's shoulder to focus her. "I don't need you passing out on me after I finally managed to get you awake. Shitty glasses would kill me."

"Where are we?" she mumbled. She managed to reach back to touch her scalp, hissing as she drew back a sticky, gooey mess of coagulated blood.

"That village we were headed to," Levi grunted. "Shitty glasses and I carried you here."

Loki looked around the room. There was no sign of her aforementioned subordinate. That was hardly something new though. This was probably a dream come true for Hanji, being stuck out here with Titans in such close proximity. She was probably out there having a nerd-gasm. "Where is she?"

"Getting firewood and anything else she can scavenge. It'll get colder once the sun's down, and this place is hardly first class.

"Dangerous," she mumbled as she gingerly lay back down.

Levi snorted. "Please, this is the happiest I've seen her in fucking weeks. She was practically drooling when I let her go out about two hours ago and promised to play goddamn babysitter."

Loki tried to blink away the fogginess that threatened to creep in. Her eyelids felt like they had weights tied to them. Each blink was becoming a greater struggle. She couldn't go back to sleep though. Judging by Hanji's instructions for Levi, she might have a concussion. If she went to sleep with a bad enough concussion, it was a likely possibility that she wouldn't ever wake up. She was just so fucking tired though.

"Hey, dumbass, no sleeping! Hanji said keep your lazy ass awake."

"Then talk to me. Don't just sit and stare like a creepy old pervert."

Levi rolled his eyes. "Like if be interested in your scarred up ass anyway. Who carves their brother's name into their thigh? What idiot marries someone like that?"

That was hardly tactful, but at least he wasn't bringing up her daughters. She had an easier time excepting Lovino's death than that of…change the topic. "What I do to my own body isn't your concern. Now, in regard to the second question, I really have no idea how I bullshitted my way through that one," she chuckled.

"Still, it's fucked up. You're fucked up."

"Ditto, dickless bastard."

"Psycho bitch."

For a while, they sat in comfortable silence. The banter had helped relieve some of the tension surrounding them. For a while, Loki could almost forget that the walls had ever fallen at all. Almost. It was nice to smile again with one of her fellow soldiers that wasn't Erwin too. Hanji was too all over the place for that kind of stuff, and Zacharias just got on her nerves. Levi was…somewhere in between an Erwin and a Zacharias.

"What about the cadets?" she asked with a huff.

There was a pause. Loki glanced at Levi and saw a familiar emotion in his eyes and the curl of his lips. It was the same emotion she'd been wearing since after the fall. He didn't really have to say a word when she saw that look, but he answered her anyway. "Dead. One suicide, one death by fall."

Loki sighed. "Fucking shit."

"Not to mention all the poor suckers we had to drag out here against their will."

"Don't remind me. How far are we from Trost?"

"I'd say about 4 klicks," he said as he got comfortable, propping himself up against the wall nearby.

That was too far to go on foot. "Did the horses make it?"

"All but the two cadet horses. Weren't fit for duty anyway. Their grooming was shit and they were skinny as fuck."

The last few rays of sun were quickly disappearing behind the sill of the window, shadowing them in dim light. It was getting difficult to see, and Loki was beginning to feel a few stirrings of anxiety. Even Hanji would be vulnerable out in the dark. There was a harsh thud and a high pitched yawp from outside the window. Then wires embedded in the roof and in came Hanji at seventy miles an hour. Loki swore as she dodged a falling jug and wooden box that tumbled from her subordinate's grasp. The jolt of movement made her vision swim and her stomach turn.

"Shit, Hanji, watch where you drop things!" she barked.

"Sorry, boss, got a little excited."

"A little?" Levi deadpanned. "I could hear you a mile away screeching like a cat in heat."

"You just don't know how to have fun, Levi. How ya feelin' boss?"

Loki glared at her before laying back down. "How do think? I feel like shit. What are my injuries?"

"Well, your eye still has those metal shards in it, so you'll probably be blind in that one. I counted four of them, but I was able to get the two smaller pieces without too much trouble. The bigger ones will need surgery when we get back."

"If we get back," Levi grumbled.

"Be positive! Of course we'll make it. Other than that, boss, you have a concussion, two bruised ribs and what looks like a fractured leg."

"Fucking great," Loki groaned as she closed her eyes. At least it wasn't as bad as it could've been. She could be dead. She wasn't lucky enough to die though. She had the shittiest luck out of everyone in the entire corps.

It was quiet as Hanji set out medical supplies beside her. Levi went to start a small fire while Hanji cleaned Loki up as best she could, sometimes receiving half-conscious direction. Loki was struggling to keep herself awake. Now that warmth was radiating across her skin, she could feel sleep crying out to her.

"Levi, we need to sleep on either side of her to make sure she doesn't move around and hurt herself," Hanji commanded as she fed Loki some sort of bitter herb. It tasted like the ones used to reduce pain and fever.

"I don't wanna fucking touch her! Look at her! She's filthy!"

"You think I wanna touch you either asshole?!" Loki snapped.

"C'mon, Levi, it's just one night."

"Tch, fine."

Despite the fact that she was currently delirious, Loki had to admit that it felt nice to have warm bodies around her once her two subordinates had settled beside her. She could've done without Levi's grumbling and Hanji's hand around her waist, but other than that, it seemed out of place. It reminded her of camp nights she and Lovino would have when they let the girls sleep with them. She fell asleep with that memory and the overwhelming, all-consuming grief that came along with it.

* * *

The reference to the feminine boy and two odd balls was talking about Armin, Mikasa and Eren. They were saying goodbye to Armin's parents and grandfather.

A klick is a military term used for kilometer.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own SnK/AoT. If I did, I could pay for college.


End file.
